❦ Holding hands and nuzzling somewhere ambient and low-lit (( from eren uwu
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❦ Holding hands and nuzzling somewhere ambient and low-lit (( from eren uwu
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moved at → @dreamsofregret
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— insiidious:
❝ I SAW . . . MYSELF– AS . . . THAT THING. ❞ he might as well be choking on poison with that last word. eren sits on the ground, his head on the coffee table. the young man means to be on the sofa, but he can’t make it there despite the sofa being literally mere inches away. dragging himself out of their shared bed, && reaching the living room feels like one helluva an arduous task. but eren leaves the bed, so hopefully levi can get some sleep without eren having a panic attack next to him.
eren’s breathing sounds horrendously strained to his ears. he tries to be quiet, but his lungs don’t want to listen. exhausted tears linger in the corners of his eyes. although he leaves the bedroom, his partner still checks on him. ❝ i’m sorry. ❞ eren fights the urge to tear apart his body. ❝ i’m sorry for everything. ❞ there’s weight to those words. it’s an apology not only for disturbing levi’s sleep, but for the hell eren put levi through in their past lives.
❝ ——-do i scare you ?? ❞ he whispers in a barely audible voice. there’s so much else he wants to ask. ( ’ do i repulse you ?? ’ – ’ do you resent me ?? ’ – ’ do you hate me ?? ’ – ) eren touches the side of his face, then grimaces at the memory of being a monster with all his teeth showing. those god awful shifter marks that remain even after he returns to human form. && god–— so much blood on his hands. blood everywhere.
He knew that moment was about to come. The moment when Eren would have to face the crimes of his past. The innocent blood spilled only to save their own petty lives. When staring back at him, their eyes were different. The Eren he used to know and what he tried to turn himself into. Driving himself in a corner, making those important to him his enemies, only so they'd take the burden of the CHOICE to take his life and stop him. For a long time — for years — he hated him. He thought he hated him. As loneliness would eat him away, as he'd feel his mind deteriorating when replaying those days on his head and trying to understand. Every part of him wished to never have known him. But in the end, the peace he sought to find, the answer behind those questions was simple. All of them, including himself, carried a part of the blame. The result of their choices — of the future they shaped — was what Eren was fighting against. Maybe he was making excuses for him, but maybe because he had really known what rested inside of him, he couldn't accept any other answer. He was to blame. Just like Eren was.
He walked towards him, sat by his side on the floor, and wrapped one hand around his shoulders so the other would lean against his body. He didn't think he was capable to ease that pain. But only for a while, he hoped to make him see himself through his own eyes. Understand that he wasn't alone, and that when Levi found him again, he planned on staying. Having known everything, he still planned on staying by his side because there was one person in the world that couldn't rip him off his heart without him dying. “ I can't justify your actions. I never will. ” Probably the worst beginning he could come up with. But a few harsh words meant nothing compared to what he had done. “ But I know well that sometimes, you need to make yourself a monster to take the right choice. I was the first to say some lives are worth more than others. I believed my life was worth less than Erwin's, Hange's, or yours, yet I was the last to die. I took many lives, having that stupid belief. ” No matter what they lived or how old they were, all of them were insanely stupid. Slowly learning, growing, never getting closer to the truth. They'd only take small steps that wouldn't take them anywhere considering the distance they had to cover.
His hand moved to Eren's eyes, gently trying to wipe away his tears. He knew they'd uncontrollably flow for a long time, but had no other choice than to sit there and watch him sink farther to his guilt and regrets. All the unbearable pain. For the first time, he questioned if they'd make it through this. “ You tried to become some sort of God. How can I compete with that thinking of yours back then? In the end, the only I'm thinking it's that we placed too much weight on your shoulders. We asked you to save humanity, when you only wanted to save your friends. ” If it was him to choose, what would he do? Would he watch everyone he cared for die for the sake of humanity? Probably. He had done it too many times. Always making the choice that he'd regret the most but also the choice that'd hurt the most. He and Eren weren't the same. Eren's love for his family was stronger than his devotion.
“ I can't blame you. Not for everything. We never could know where our choices would lead. But you did. I can blame life and our cursed fate. I can blame myself, for having played my part on this. All of our choices played a part in the future you saw and the path you wanted to take. What I can't accept is that you didn't give us a choice. ” Not realizing it, his voice became more rough at the end of his sayings. “ You didn't stop us, but you never gave us another choice other than to kill you. You drove us to be your enemies. You never asked if we wanted you to throw away your humanity. If we wanted to live when you'd be gone. ” He kept using ‘ we ’, including himself to Eren's closest friends. For some reason, talking about himself only felt unnatural. Even including himself in the ones Eren wanted to save wasn't easy for him. But he wanted to speak from his heart, say what he kept inside of him for too long.
“ I HATE you for what you did to yourself. ” A word too strong. He hadn't ever said this out loud. He cupped his face then, turning his head to make him look at him. “ But I LOVE you. I'm your accomplice. And I will share your pain, as a punishment. ” Now was the right time. Now, when he needed him the most he'd tell him what he couldn't in their past life. He had been right, keeping those feelings to himself all this long. With a soft kiss, he sealed that promise. That the two of them would share the same sins. The same unimaginable crimes. “ You could never scare me. ”
@insiidious

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— insiidious:
THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY in a startling way. not only how levi’s appearance reflects the ghosts in eren’s dreams. but the lovely timbre && clear articulation of his voice. ( eren can listen to levi all day. he’d even listen to the man read a phone book. do phone books even still exist ?? ) && the atmosphere levi carries with him. ( steadfast. calm. warm. like soft daylight that draws eren in closer. )
eren laughs sheepishly. ❝ i’m sorry if i’m intruding on anything !! i tend to be an early bird. ❞ he doesn’t quite understand why his body insists on waking up at the crack of dawn. it’s like the most punctual internal alarm clock has been drilled into him. eren never wakes sluggishly either. his eyes snap open to attention, && he jolts out of bed as if ready to go into battle. when in reality, eren just goes through his morning routine, then opens up the flower shop.
green eyes blink curiously at the question. the florist beams when he catches on. ❝ oh, yes !! of course, these are for you !! ❞ eren passes over the bouquet of carefully arranged daffodils. the yellow petals are bright && cheerful as the florists’ demeanor. eren felt these flowers calling to him, whispering softly like a song about how they should be given to the new tea shop owner. ❝ ah–– i hope you like flowers, ❞ he adds with a laugh. no matter how shy he sounds, the laughter rings warm && bright.
❝ you’re always welcome to visit my shop any time. && if you’d like, maybe we can have lunch or dinner sometime !! ❞ he tries not to be too eager, && christ–– not to come off too strong. eren knows he can be overwhelming for some people, so he tries to dial it back in. ( also eren doesn’t have a flirtatious bone in his body. he has no idea how to ask someone out, especially not man like levi who’s already got eren’s heart racing. )
He was the same. Bearing the same bright light, only lighter. Both of them, were reborn in a brighter world. One where the sun was rising and wouldn't find them covered in blood in a battlefield full of corpses and human parts. The suffering they had known belonged to the past. The future that awaited them was unknown to Eren this time. Levi had those memories but he could still go on. Now that he had found him again. Eren wasn't humanity's hope and Levi wasn't humanity's strongest. The simplicity of this life was a blessing. They wouldn't have to live in a time of war anymore. In a time where they wouldn't know if the other was going to die the next day. Levi would still have that fear rooted in his heart, but he had already known hell — how it was to live when another was gone. Both of them were clean. He could face Eren when his hands were clean this time. He hadn't dirtied them in anyone's blood. He could look him in the eyes with no fear. As if Eren was going to see what he used to hold inside of him. The rage and madness of fighting to live underneath the sun.
Was he being arrogant ? Maybe, but he had the right to be, since the man he loved had walked into his life once again. And this time, no matter what was going to follow, he'd be able to tell him what he couldn't in their shared past.
That he loved him.
The flowers changed hands and Levi couldn't help but wonder if Eren always had a liking for them. If so, how hadn't he noticed ? Levi may never have the hope to open a tea shop in his past life but everyone knew about his favorite drink. Maybe they had focused too much on each other's flaws, and tried to love these parts more than the parts of them that brought happiness. They tried to fill holes, more than pay attention to the spots to have already known care.
The daffodils. Painted in a bright, intense, vibrant color, delicately placed together. He certainly knew what to give him. Something that'd be a constant reminder of him, even if he left the store. As if he was already aware of his love, and wanted only to think of him. If this had been his goal, it was a success. He couldn't take his eyes off the flowers just like he couldn't take his eyes off him. He hummed softly, whispering a quiet ‘ Thank you ’ before carefully placing them on the counter. He had to find a place to put these.
“ If your customers aren't the same early birds like you, stay here for a moment. ” He didn't want them to part already. At this fresh new beginning, he wanted to be able to look back at him the longer he could. It felt like a very special moment. Reminded him of every single morning he'd leave their bed a little before Eren was about to wake up, so he'd make both of them a cup of hot tea to enjoy and regain their strength for the difficult day that was about to come. The same feeling would make Levi's heart race, as if doubting this was real. He thought he had forgotten the softness this moment held, but he was wrong. Everything came back to him rushing, overwhelming with love. What was more fascinating than risking their lives for one another was this. Caring for each other and showing it through small actions. It felt like a very sweet distant dream. But it had turned to reality.
“ Tell me how you like it. Blend and sugar or honey. ” He couldn't have known. The blends known back in their time were very few and the ones that didn't cost a fortune, even fewer. Sugar and honey were luxuries he couldn't afford either, so their choices were very limited. Now, this was a different time. He'd never imagine he'd open a shop, able to provide so many different choices. “ I can make coffee if you prefer. I only make it for myself but I wouldn't mind. ” Coffee was what saved him to get through every day. When adrenaline wasn't rushing through his veins and danger wasn't keeping him alert 24/7, coffee was what helped him keep himself up.
@insiidious
— insiidious:
❝ HOW COULD I FORGET YOU ?? ❞ that signature grin of his surfaces. ❝ i hear your voice everyday, reminding me to make my bed, fold my clothes, && keep everything clean. ❞ farlan chuckles warmly. it’s in his nature to try to bring some light into any situation. even when they were nearly suffocating in the cesspool of sin known as the underground, farlan’s dry humor was resilient as ever. it survives as they reach the surface, && join the survey corps.
——–&& even during his final moments, when farlan meets levi’s eyes from across the battlefield, farlan smiles && waves.
it’s not like levi to avoid anyone’s eyes, especially not his. farlan tilts the man’s face towards him, so he can look at levi closely. he draws in a slow, weighted breath. ❝ even with all these memories . . . nothing compares with seeing the color of your eyes in-person. ❞ his fingers brush at the dark fringe, then his hand rests on the side of levi’s face. his thumb brushes over the cheekbone with tenderness. ❝ kinda ridiculous how handsome you are even in this life. ❞ farlan wasn’t shy about complimenting levi back then, && it seems like the same even now.
even while knowing how damaged farlan was, levi still let farlan stand by his side. farlan believes in a chance at redemption, because of this man. && that perhaps there’s still something good in him rather than just poison. farlan’s chest aches with overwhelming love for levi—- the man who taught him how to fly, && look towards the light.
❝ are you safe ?? eating well ?? sleeping ?? is there anything you need ?? ❞ it’s a lot of questions at once, but farlan can’t help himself. he needs to know that levi is alright. && if by chance he isn’t, farlan will take care of him. but of course—- this being if levi even wants farlan in his new life.
The tables had turned. After a lifetime of war, Levi had changed. After helplessly watching his family getting eaten before his own eyes. After helplessly watching the boy he believed as humanity's hope turn himself into a monster. It never mattered how strong he was. Whether he trusted himself or not. He'd still have to witness his worst nightmares becoming reality. And now, after having broken completely, the timer was set off once again. None of these had any meaning anymore. Their sacrifices, their given hearts had no meaning because life would make another circle. Never-ending, they'd fight for absolutely nothing. This thought haunted Levi even now. Now that Farlan was standing in front of him, he wondered: Was all this suffering for nothing? All the pain, the nightmares, the regrets meant nothing? Why wasn't he filled with joy when seeing him again? Why was he so ashamed? Maybe Farlan wouldn't accept this side of him. Now that the one broken was him.
Never before he bowed his head to anyone. Never before he avoided staring directly into someone's eyes. It didn't matter if he was close to madness, or if he hadn't the strength to go on anymore — if he had lost all hope. He'd continue to keep his head up. But with him, for the first time, he felt scared to look at. What if he could see the damage on his soul? What if he was repulsed on what he became? Farlan who was the only one to have known and accepted every side of him.
“ You haven't changed at all. ” He wasn't talking about his appearance only. But the way he smiled, how he forced himself to light up the atmosphere. Trying to wash away all of his worries and make him forget about anything that troubled him only a minute ago. With the same kind eyes and soft touch, the former soldier felt as if not a single day had passed. As if they never had parted. What talent was that, to enchant him so nothing or nobody else mattered than him. His hand rested on top of Farlan's, letting out a deep breath. With his death, he took everything good Levi had with him. Emotions he had forgotten he ever had, like feeling weak at the eyes of someone. Vulnerability was a part to have died, but suddenly returned. And he was fighting hard to mask it the best way he could.
“ The one to look after you is me. Don't forget that. ” This was his way to avoid answering. Not that he didn't expect him to read through this. Never Levi would look down on him. Farlan may did, but Levi knew if it wasn't for him, the three of them wouldn't survive long enough to reach the upper world. If Levi was the one to guide them, without the other's cool-headedness and quick judgement, they'd probably had been killed before ever seeing the sunlight. The years passed and the anger that used to drive him died. He only became a more capable soldier. When his pride was crushed and his heart broke. Could he love him the same? Even if he stopped being the man he used to know? Could he return back on who he was for him? Had he the power to heal all the wounds the war left behind? Had he the WILL to do so?
“ I've been trying to lead a decent life this time, ” he explained. More like giving him a warning he wasn't the same as he was in the underground. He wasn't the one he could rely on anymore. He never was made to be a leader. That was why he chose to serve for the rest of his past life. Even when circumstances needed him to act on his own, he kept lying to himself he wasn't the one in charge in order to get through. The lives lost wouldn't burden him. He may continue to blame himself for many things but the pain wasn't sucking every last of his heart. Erwin and Hange knew that. That even he had his limits. He could handle as much as being a soldier. He'd lost the remaining part of himself if he ever became a leader one more time.
He'd definitely regret what he was about to say, but with Farlan, emotions flowed freely, like they hadn't with anyone else. “ Will you let me join you this time? ”
@insiidious
— insiidious:
❝ CAN YOU FEEL THAT ?? ❞ erwin reaches out to touch levi’s face. his fingers brush the dark fringe, trace over the cheekbone, drift down the side, then cup his cheek. ❝ do you feel me ?? is my hand there ?? ❞
he’s not sleep talking. not delirious. not intoxicated. erwin is fully awake && sober—— && still reeling from the dream. it’s difficult to call it a ’ night terror ’ or even a ’ nightmare ’, because it was a memory. not one in the bloodsoaked battlefields. but in their private quarters at night, when erwin tries to undress levi as he often did–– except this time, erwin doesn’t have an arm. && perhaps he lost it recently, since he fumbles with trying to unbutton levi’s shirt.
if he can’t do something simple as that . . . why would levi stay by his side as his partner ?? erwin doesn’t remember much of what happens afterward. god, he can only hope he didn’t snap off any buttons accidentally. it’s jarring how erwin trusts he’ll stand his ground as a soldier, but severely doubts himself as a partner.
erwin wakes to his left hand scratching, almost gouging at his right arm. it’s something that occurs in his sleep every so often. even now, erwin doesn’t quite know if his right arm is physically present, if it’s actually real. && he’s too mortified over being triggered by something trivial as struggling to undress his partner in their past lives . shame burns him alive. levi doesn’t need a broken, damaged man.
❝ i’m okay, ❞ erwin says with a reassuring smile. he withdraws his hand. ❝ sorry for waking you. ❞ not caring about the dried blood on his arm, erwin fixes the blankets over levi. ❝ you should sleep. ❞
BOTH OF THEM WERE BROKEN. Clinging to one another, yet keeping the emotions of their past lives sealed off. Individually carrying their own cross, suffering along the way only to not let their loved one take their burden to their own shoulders. Their love was beyond reason. The thought of letting the other catch a glimpse of how their soul looked like — of the madness inside their minds — was more terrifying than continuing this path alone. Only that the pain would start to eat away at every last piece of their heart. Little by little, they'd lose themselves in those nightmares, and the past would conquer the present. Maybe it was for the better if they started talking — if they sought salvation in each other's arms. Levi, who had never let anyone know what was going on inside his head, was starting to doubt if keeping silent was the right choice. Or if he had been a coward all this long and the real strength was hidden on relying on one another.
Sleep wouldn't ever come easy to him. The time or place had no real meaning. Always at the edge, he'd wake up at the lowest sound or faintest touch. Even when reassured of safety, even when knowing there was no enemy to fight anymore, he'd jolt awake, as if everything he had could be taken away from him in an instant — just like his life was. And if that fear wasn't the reason he'd stay up at nights, memories of shattered dreams would come back to him. The monkey escaping when he had a promise to fulfill. Staring at the ocean with him gone. His body failing him. Three hours of sleep with no breaks in between was his high score. He shouldn't have expected this night to be any different.
When he sensed the figure next to him moving, eyes flung open only to meet with a sight that made his blood freeze. The sight of Erwin violently scratching at his right hand. He extended his own and held tight of Erwin's wrist, stopping him from what he was doing. What was this for? Had he completely lost it? He waited for the blond to regain his ground, emotions changing quickly, battling one another. Was it rage that Levi was feeling? Towards who? Erwin who was unwillingly hurting his own self — the missing part of him — or life itself, for having led the man he had given his heart for, to this point? Was there a chance he was being ungrateful ? The memories of their past were those to bring them together to this life too. Because of those memories, they were able to lay in the same bed or feel each other's breath against their skin. Else, they'd probably never had found each other. Was this the price for their lasting love?
Giving him a nod, before he could even react properly, he was already being covered once again. What were the right words that'd bring him some comfort? To reassure him that this was no illusion and with that, to reassure himself too. He wished he could make fun of him, somehow. Light up the atmosphere, ease the tension off, and demean Erwin's worries. But he couldn't. His throat was closed, when experiencing for the first time the pain the other was going through. He was familiar with those emotions and knew well of what he could be thinking.
Many times he'd wake up at night, not feeling one or both of his legs. Many times he wouldn't be able to tell if he could see from his right eye. Many times he'd drop something, uncertain if he had been missing his fingers or not. The injuries weren't those he was scared of. What terrified him was waking up at that same bed, as if everything they had lived so far had been a mere dream. He'd return to those nights in agony, confined in a dark room, left alone, the only one to have made it in a world that had taken everyone important to him. Left with a useless and broken body. Broken, unable to reach them, even on his sleep. Everyone, surrounded by light, they'd slowly walk away from him. Their pace would speed up whenever he closed ( opened ? ) his eyes, and they'd get further ahead, fading from his sight as he'd give his all only to get a step closer. The day he gave his last breath, was when the light surrounded him and brought him back to them, only to be reborn, struggle in a new life and finally find him. Doubting reality even for a second? Out of breath, fighting for air, he'd try to convince himself Erwin was real whenever his body would choose to betray him that way and play a game with his sanity. The same he expected to have been for Erwin. Dying before reaching his dream. What gave meaning to his efforts. Their nightmares were different, but they were made the same.
He may truly believe him to be a devil. The devil he had sold his soul to, and would give his life for. The devil he would follow to the ends of the earth, only so he'd see him make his vision come to reality. The former captain used to serve humanity, but he didn't know what his choice would be if he had to choose between this demon, and the future of the world. He actually had taken the second choice, when reviving Armin, but it was too heavy to admit even to himself. That he hadn't been enough of a soldier. He used to think there was nothing to bring Erwin down. An arm, a leg, an eye, nothing was going to stop him from leading them to victory. In the end, they were both HUMANS. Seeing this side of him was the confirmation to crush all doubts he may had before. Nothing but a human would have survived with a soul this scarred.
“ Tsk, as if I'd be able to sleep, knowing you may dirty the sheets with blood, ” he mumbled, leaving the bed only to return from the bathroom with a wet cloth at hand. Sitting by his side, he grabbed his arm, with gentle and slow moves cleaning the dried blood, trying to understand how deep the wounds were. “ You don't need pain to prove it is there, ” he said, eyes focused to his right arm. “ I am here for when you have doubts. Wake me up, call for me. I don't give a fuck, but tell me when you need me to confirm it for you. ” Said the one that'd dig his nails as deep as he could to his knees whenever he'd feel them go numb. “ There's nobody you need to fight anymore. ” Nobody would rip that arm off his body anymore.
@insiidious

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TATTOOS
MOST VERSES: Levi dislikes tattoos. He thinks of them as intentionally scarring your body. He believes it's an act of disrespect to the body you are born with.
MODERN (REINCARNATION) VERSES: In the verses where Levi is reborn and has the memories of his past life, he'd make a tattoo of the wings of freedom, the emblem of the Survey Corps at his chest, where his heart is. This is aimed to honor the ones to have devoted their hearts even when the Survey Corps don't exist anymore and he believes to be the only one to remember them.
“ This is proof that they lived. ”
Small fan art in honor of Levi #leviackerman #levi #attackontitan #shingekinokyojin https://www.instagram.com/p/COD9fLiHl54/?igshid=1g0xqqom6th89
— insiidious:
❝ WHAT SHOULD I FIX ABOUT MYSELF ?? ❞ does he talk too much ?? does he laugh too loudly ?? is he too naive ?? is his body not attractive ?? was he not good enough in bed ?? is it because he cried during their first time together ?? was he too emotional ?? too vulnerable ?? questions run endlessly, && so does eren’s flaws. it’s still unclear how eren forgot the past few years they shared together. but what he understands less is levi treating him like a stranger when they meet again. how badly did eren fuck up for levi to want to cut him off ?? to erase him ??
eren’s always known that levi deserves more—- && eren was determined to become a better man for him. but it seems like his past efforts weren’t enough. even now, eren clenches his fists to dig nails into his palms, hard enough to break skin && draw blood, inviting physical pain to incinerate his emotions. don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t fucking cry–
but tears still fall. ❝ i’m sorry. ❞ sorry for crying, for being damaged, for not being the man you deserve. ❝ i love you. i . . . i know it’s not worth much, but you’ll always have my heart, levi. ❞
He knew it right from the start. That the one that should have taken that pill was HIM. Not because he didn't deserve to suffer. Not because he deserved to escape reality as HE had shaped it to be. But because he'd only continue to corrupt him. Even if he entered his life only for a moment, he'd continue to corrupt him. Even if they were nothing but strangers with a past to not connect them anymore, the same scenario would be repeated once again before Levi's eyes. He wasn't meant to touch the light, after all.
“ Stop saying that, ” he almost snapped when those eyes seemed to recognize him. He was too close to raise his voice but used all his will to hold himself back, if his assumption was true and he still had power over the younger's heart. “ Stop spitting out this nonsense. You know nothing about love. ” The only love he had known was the one he'd see through his eyes. The strong bond that tied them together, attached to each other, never able to let go. As if there was an invisible thread that tied the two of them, wrapped around Eren's throat, slowly getting more tight, not letting him BREATHE.
“ Sooner or later, you'd come to hate me. ” He'd come to hate him, when he'd realize the freedom Levi had taken from him. When he wouldn't stand the suffocation anymore. And he didn't want to be there to see that. Another one of his selfish acts. He wanted to believe it was because he loved him that he'd let him go. He'd set him free and let him find where his happiness resides. But if he made the slightest attempt to be honest with himself, he’d realize he never truly intended to let him go. Because he was that kind of person. Trying to steal his light so he'd fill the darkness inside of him. Gasping for air, he'd drain Eren’s life from him, so he would save his own soul.
It was too difficult after all, to let the only source of light to his life, escape his hands.
There was nothing for Eren to fix. They reached this point because Levi couldn't change anything about himself. Just like the coward he was. “ You said it yourself. The one that abandoned you. You wouldn't want to see them again. They'd be a BAD person. Why hold on to someone like that? ” Why wasn't he letting him go? Why didn't he hate him? Eren had taken this choice after all. He had chosen to take that pill because he couldn't stand to remember him anymore. Because he hated him.
@insiidious
落書き 2017

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— insiidious:
0 OR 100 is all eren has known his entire life. it’s never been in his nature to do anything half-heartedly. sometimes, it backfires, since eren’s anger can catch flame, && explode into a vicious wildfire. especially when it’s outrage over injustices. his mother tries to teach him how to temper his emotions. eren hopes he’s been getting better at that over the years, even as he moves forward without her in this world anymore.
——but there’s no controlling this intense, searing love for levi. && it only burns stronger as they share this quiet intimacy together. eren’s never been articulate as levi, so he doesn’t know if he’ll find the right words to express just how much he loves this man. eren knows humanity’s strongest doesn’t need protecting, but eren still strives to be levi’s shield in the battlefield, && take care of him in private quarters.
when levi eases some space between them, eren leans back. eren knows he can be awfully overwhelming sometimes ( well, most times ), so he tries his best to dial it back. the sense of urgency to feel, to explore, to connect comes from a place of fear—– how much time do they have left together ?? what if one leaves first tomorrow ?? but eren doesn’t want to keep living motivated by fear. especially when it comes to levi, eren only wants to be motivated by pure, unbridled, fierce love. scarlet sweeps across eren’s face at those words. ( ❝ i want to be looking at you. ❞ ) how long he’s yearned to be seen by this man. however the sense of being flustered is fleeting when levi asks that question.
eren spends his entire life with outrage over being treated like cattle. but once an invisible collar tightens around eren’s throat, he struggles to reclaim his voice. ❝ ——i’m the military’s property, ❞ eren starts off. ❝ && i understand that. it’s because the military owns me that i’m still alive. ❞ or else eren would’ve been executed on the spot, since he’s more titan than human. eren idly plays with a loose thread on his sleeve while wondering how to phrase the following words. his solution: wing it.
❝ sometimes, the higher ups will call for me privately, && request that i– … i serve them. but– !! they’re very careful !! ❞ eren reassures, && subconsciously draws back some more. ❝ they know not to do anything that can risk me shifting into a titan. any marks they make fades, so we’re not wasting resources on treatment either. ❞ eren nods, but it’s hard to tell who he’s trying to convince this is all normal : levi or himself.
❝ so . . . ❞ green eyes flicker away for a moment. ❝ you’re the first && only person i want, levi. even just being close to you like this feels really– good. && safe. ❞ eren laughs sheepishly when being reminded of how he’s not the most eloquent sometimes. eren caresses the side of levi’s face. ❝ i love you, captain. ❞
What should he expect to hear? Many scenarios passed Levi's mind in these few seconds that Eren took position and tried to find the strength to say what was that had been weighing on him for so long. The way he moved, the look on his face, how his voice wavered with uncertainty. He should have read the signs and stop him before he even started. Not force him to recall these moments. But he wanted to be certain. He wanted to know for sure and not rely on possibly false assumptions before making anyone his next target.
Never before had he seen this side of Eren. From the very first moment their eyes met across the bars of that dirty dungeon, Levi had been watching the younger one. Not even once taking his eyes off of him. Not really. Sometimes from afar, sometimes when able to be by his side, he'd watch how his heart would beat when facing the difficulties the Corps would have to overcome. When trying to withstand the pressure of being humanity's hope. The emotions he'd get to know for the first time. The betrayal, fear, doubt. The insecurities he kept buried deep down that suddenly came to the surface.
With him, Levi would start to remember what his old self was like. His old self, before the war would numb every last one of his emotions. The same war to begin a storm inside their hearts was the same war to kill every last part of them that was still HUMAN. Every soldier would have to go through this. Every soldier would have to give up on their humanity at some point. Not many lived long enough to reach this point, but when this happened, they had two choices. To give up on living or grasp onto something — anything — that would give them a reason to keep fighting.
Eren seemed to be the exception. Called a monster by many, Levi thought for him to be the only one that wouldn't — that couldn't — give up on his humanity. The only one that couldn't keep fighting if not motivated by his heart. Either it was his hatred for the titans or his love for those important to him. Levi was there for that reason. To remind him who he really was. His real strength. His dreams. He was there to make sure he wouldn't lose sight of the cause he devoted himself to. To make sure he wouldn't give up on his humanity. In this situation, what could he do? He thought Eren couldn't get humiliated. His pride couldn't be broken. But life would show its ugliest face to everyone.
When the confirmation came, along with these petty excuses for those to have dared to touch him, the soldier's blood started to boil with rage. Why was the first time he heard about this? Those perverted assholes, trying to destroy everything they laid their hands on. The familiar feral feeling that arose inside of him was one he thought had died many years ago. One that belonged to his shady past on the underground. Levi had changed but that didn't mean those pigs he had known in that hellish place didn't exist anymore. Those pigs abusing power to satisfy their needs. ‘I'll kill them all.’ That was his first thought. Those who dared to hurt the ones he kept close would meet that fate. But he wasn't the man to easily slice their throats anymore. Many things about him had changed since that time. The value of life had changed. What he knew for certain was that he'd make them pay. The extent of their punishment would come when he'd face them. But for now, he knew he had to focus on Eren.
“ I remind you, you are placed under my care. ” His care. This was the first time he used that word to phrase the power Levi had over Eren's life. But when he had been staring at those eyes who had been keeping this humiliation as a secret all this long, the harshness he'd usually show had started to fade. “ I should have known this earlier. ” His intention wasn't to scold him. But to make sure this wasn't going to happen again. He'd make sure of it himself, but he wanted Eren to know that too. That Levi hadn't taken his freedom from him, even if he had promised otherwise. The names of those people? He'd force him to spill them out later. For now, he was able to tell he didn't want to say more.
A hand moved to the base of the other's neck, gently holding to pull him closer once again. Eyes were closed for a second before pressing their lips together once more. For the safety he hadn't been able to provide before - for his failure as a guardian - he'd make sure to repay. For every single one of those horrible memories, Levi would replace with one of love and affection. Never again he'd let Eren look back at the time where their emotions for each other were some sort of secret they had to keep for themselves. At the time of loneliness and insufferable longing. “ What I am about to say is something I'll deny if ever brought up in public . . . ” he warned. “ But you are not anyone's property. You are free. ”
@insiidious
役目と愛情