ARCHIVED

              ❝  I  SAW  .  .  .  MYSELF–  AS  .  .  .  THAT  THING.  ❞  he  might  as  well  be  choking  on  poison  with  that  last  word.  eren  sits  on  the  ground,  his  head  on  the  coffee  table.  the  young  man  means  to  be  on  the  sofa,  but  he  can’t  make  it  there  despite  the  sofa  being  literally  mere  inches  away.  dragging  himself  out  of  their  shared  bed,  &&  reaching  the  living  room  feels  like  one  helluva  an  arduous  task.  but  eren  leaves  the  bed,  so  hopefully  levi  can  get  some  sleep  without  eren  having  a  panic  attack  next  to  him.

             eren’s  breathing  sounds  horrendously  strained  to  his  ears.  he  tries  to  be  quiet,  but  his  lungs  don’t  want  to  listen.  exhausted  tears  linger  in  the  corners  of  his  eyes.  although  he  leaves  the  bedroom,  his  partner  still  checks  on  him.  ❝  i’m  sorry.  ❞  eren  fights  the  urge  to  tear  apart  his  body.  ❝  i’m  sorry  for  everything.  ❞  there’s  weight  to  those  words.  it’s  an  apology  not  only  for  disturbing  levi’s  sleep,  but  for  the  hell  eren  put  levi  through  in  their  past  lives.

             ❝  ——-do  i  scare  you  ??  ❞  he  whispers  in  a  barely  audible  voice.  there’s  so  much  else  he  wants  to  ask.  (  ’  do  i  repulse  you  ??  ’  –  ’  do  you  resent  me  ??  ’  –  ’  do  you  hate  me  ??  ’  –  )  eren  touches  the  side  of  his  face,  then  grimaces  at  the  memory  of  being  a  monster  with  all  his  teeth  showing.  those  god  awful  shifter  marks  that  remain  even  after  he  returns  to  human  form.  &&  god–—  so  much  blood  on  his  hands.  blood  everywhere.​

He knew that moment was about to come. The moment when Eren would have to face the crimes of his past. The innocent blood spilled only to save their own petty lives. When staring back at him, their eyes were different. The Eren he used to know and what he tried to turn himself into. Driving himself in a corner, making those important to him his enemies, only so they'd take the burden of the CHOICE to take his life and stop him. For a long time — for years — he hated him. He thought he hated him. As loneliness would eat him away, as he'd feel his mind deteriorating when replaying those days on his head and trying to understand. Every part of him wished to never have known him. But in the end, the peace he sought to find, the answer behind those questions was simple. All of them, including himself, carried a part of the blame. The result of their choices — of the future they shaped — was what Eren was fighting against. Maybe he was making excuses for him, but maybe because he had really known what rested inside of him, he couldn't accept any other answer. He was to blame. Just like Eren was.

He walked towards him, sat by his side on the floor, and wrapped one hand around his shoulders so the other would lean against his body. He didn't think he was capable to ease that pain. But only for a while, he hoped to make him see himself through his own eyes. Understand that he wasn't alone, and that when Levi found him again, he planned on staying. Having known everything, he still planned on staying by his side because there was one person in the world that couldn't rip him off his heart without him dying. “ I can't justify your actions. I never will. ” Probably the worst beginning he could come up with. But a few harsh words meant nothing compared to what he had done. “ But I know well that sometimes, you need to make yourself a monster to take the right choice. I was the first to say some lives are worth more than others. I believed my life was worth less than Erwin's, Hange's, or yours, yet I was the last to die. I took many lives, having that stupid belief. ” No matter what they lived or how old they were, all of them were insanely stupid. Slowly learning, growing, never getting closer to the truth. They'd only take small steps that wouldn't take them anywhere considering the distance they had to cover.

His hand moved to Eren's eyes, gently trying to wipe away his tears. He knew they'd uncontrollably flow for a long time, but had no other choice than to sit there and watch him sink farther to his guilt and regrets. All the unbearable pain. For the first time, he questioned if they'd make it through this. “ You tried to become some sort of God. How can I compete with that thinking of yours back then? In the end, the only I'm thinking it's that we placed too much weight on your shoulders. We asked you to save humanity, when you only wanted to save your friends. ” If it was him to choose, what would he do? Would he watch everyone he cared for die for the sake of humanity? Probably. He had done it too many times. Always making the choice that he'd regret the most but also the choice that'd hurt the most. He and Eren weren't the same. Eren's love for his family was stronger than his devotion.

“ I can't blame you. Not for everything. We never could know where our choices would lead. But you did. I can blame life and our cursed fate. I can blame myself, for having played my part on this. All of our choices played a part in the future you saw and the path you wanted to take. What I can't accept is that you didn't give us a choice. ” Not realizing it, his voice became more rough at the end of his sayings. “ You didn't stop us, but you never gave us another choice other than to kill you. You drove us to be your enemies. You never asked if we wanted you to throw away your humanity. If we wanted to live when you'd be gone. ” He kept using ‘ we ’, including himself to Eren's closest friends. For some reason, talking about himself only felt unnatural. Even including himself in the ones Eren wanted to save wasn't easy for him. But he wanted to speak from his heart, say what he kept inside of him for too long.

“ I HATE you for what you did to yourself. ” A word too strong. He hadn't ever said this out loud. He cupped his face then, turning his head to make him look at him. “ But I LOVE you. I'm your accomplice. And I will share your pain, as a punishment. ” Now was the right time. Now, when he needed him the most he'd tell him what he couldn't in their past life. He had been right, keeping those feelings to himself all this long. With a soft kiss, he sealed that promise. That the two of them would share the same sins. The same unimaginable crimes. “ You could never scare me. ”

              THE  RESEMBLANCE  IS  UNCANNY  in  a  startling  way.  not  only  how  levi’s  appearance  reflects  the  ghosts  in  eren’s  dreams.  but  the  lovely  timbre  &&  clear  articulation  of  his  voice.  (  eren  can  listen  to  levi  all  day.  he’d  even  listen  to  the  man  read  a  phone  book.  do  phone  books  even  still  exist  ??  )  &&  the  atmosphere  levi  carries  with  him.  (  steadfast.  calm.  warm.  like  soft  daylight  that  draws  eren  in  closer.  )

             eren  laughs  sheepishly.  ❝  i’m  sorry  if  i’m  intruding  on  anything  !!  i  tend  to  be  an  early  bird.  ❞  he  doesn’t  quite  understand  why  his  body  insists  on  waking  up  at  the  crack  of  dawn.  it’s  like  the  most  punctual  internal  alarm  clock  has  been  drilled  into  him.  eren  never  wakes  sluggishly  either.  his  eyes  snap  open  to  attention,  &&  he  jolts  out  of  bed  as  if  ready  to  go  into  battle.  when  in  reality,  eren  just  goes  through  his  morning  routine,  then  opens  up  the  flower  shop.  

             green  eyes  blink  curiously  at  the  question.  the  florist  beams  when  he  catches  on.  ❝  oh,  yes  !!  of  course,  these  are  for  you  !!  ❞  eren  passes  over  the  bouquet  of  carefully  arranged  daffodils.  the  yellow  petals  are  bright  &&  cheerful  as  the  florists’  demeanor.  eren  felt  these  flowers  calling  to  him,  whispering  softly  like  a  song  about  how  they  should  be  given  to  the  new  tea  shop  owner.  ❝  ah––  i  hope  you  like  flowers,  ❞  he  adds  with  a  laugh.  no  matter  how  shy  he  sounds,  the  laughter  rings  warm  &&  bright.

             ❝  you’re  always  welcome  to  visit  my  shop  any  time.  &&  if  you’d  like,  maybe  we  can  have  lunch  or  dinner  sometime  !!  ❞  he  tries  not  to  be  too  eager,  &&  christ––  not  to  come  off  too  strong.  eren  knows  he  can  be  overwhelming  for  some  people,  so  he  tries  to  dial  it  back  in.  (  also  eren  doesn’t  have  a  flirtatious  bone  in  his  body.  he  has  no  idea  how  to  ask  someone  out,  especially  not  man  like  levi  who’s  already  got  eren’s  heart  racing.  )  

He was the same. Bearing the same bright light, only lighter. Both of them, were reborn in a brighter world. One where the sun was rising and wouldn't find them covered in blood in a battlefield full of corpses and human parts. The suffering they had known belonged to the past. The future that awaited them was unknown to Eren this time. Levi had those memories but he could still go on. Now that he had found him again. Eren wasn't humanity's hope and Levi wasn't humanity's strongest. The simplicity of this life was a blessing. They wouldn't have to live in a time of war anymore. In a time where they wouldn't know if the other was going to die the next day. Levi would still have that fear rooted in his heart, but he had already known hell — how it was to live when another was gone. Both of them were clean. He could face Eren when his hands were clean this time. He hadn't dirtied them in anyone's blood. He could look him in the eyes with no fear. As if Eren was going to see what he used to hold inside of him. The rage and madness of fighting to live underneath the sun.

Was he being arrogant ? Maybe, but he had the right to be, since the man he loved had walked into his life once again. And this time, no matter what was going to follow, he'd be able to tell him what he couldn't in their shared past.

That he loved him.

The flowers changed hands and Levi couldn't help but wonder if Eren always had a liking for them. If so, how hadn't he noticed ? Levi may never have the hope to open a tea shop in his past life but everyone knew about his favorite drink. Maybe they had focused too much on each other's flaws, and tried to love these parts more than the parts of them that brought happiness. They tried to fill holes, more than pay attention to the spots to have already known care. 

The daffodils. Painted in a bright, intense, vibrant color, delicately placed together. He certainly knew what to give him. Something that'd be a constant reminder of him, even if he left the store. As if he was already aware of his love, and wanted only to think of him. If this had been his goal, it was a success. He couldn't take his eyes off the flowers just like he couldn't take his eyes off him. He hummed softly, whispering a quiet ‘ Thank you ’ before carefully placing them on the counter. He had to find a place to put these.

“ If your customers aren't the same early birds like you, stay here for a moment. ” He didn't want them to part already. At this fresh new beginning, he wanted to be able to look back at him the longer he could. It felt like a very special moment. Reminded him of every single morning he'd leave their bed a little before Eren was about to wake up, so he'd make both of them a cup of hot tea to enjoy and regain their strength for the difficult day that was about to come. The same feeling would make Levi's heart race, as if doubting this was real. He thought he had forgotten the softness this moment held, but he was wrong. Everything came back to him rushing, overwhelming with love. What was more fascinating than risking their lives for one another was this. Caring for each other and showing it through small actions. It felt like a very sweet distant dream. But it had turned to reality.

“ Tell me how you like it. Blend and sugar or honey. ” He couldn't have known. The blends known back in their time were very few and the ones that didn't cost a fortune, even fewer. Sugar and honey were luxuries he couldn't afford either, so their choices were very limited. Now, this was a different time. He'd never imagine he'd open a shop, able to provide so many different choices. “ I can make coffee if you prefer. I only make it for myself but I wouldn't mind. ” Coffee was what saved him to get through every day. When adrenaline wasn't rushing through his veins and danger wasn't keeping him alert 24/7, coffee was what helped him keep himself up.

               ❝  HOW  COULD  I  FORGET  YOU  ??  ❞  that  signature  grin  of  his  surfaces.  ❝  i  hear  your  voice  everyday,  reminding  me  to  make  my  bed,  fold  my  clothes,  &&  keep  everything  clean.  ❞  farlan  chuckles  warmly.  it’s  in  his  nature  to  try  to  bring  some  light  into  any  situation.  even  when  they  were  nearly  suffocating  in  the  cesspool  of  sin  known  as  the  underground,  farlan’s  dry  humor  was  resilient  as  ever.  it  survives  as  they  reach  the  surface,  &&  join  the  survey  corps.

              ——–&&  even  during  his  final  moments,  when  farlan  meets  levi’s  eyes  from  across  the  battlefield,  farlan  smiles  &&  waves.

              it’s  not  like  levi  to  avoid  anyone’s  eyes,  especially  not  his.  farlan  tilts  the  man’s  face  towards  him,  so  he  can  look  at  levi  closely.  he  draws  in  a  slow,  weighted  breath.  ❝  even  with  all  these  memories  .  .  .  nothing  compares  with  seeing  the  color  of  your  eyes  in-person.  ❞  his  fingers  brush  at  the  dark  fringe,  then  his  hand  rests  on  the  side  of  levi’s  face.  his  thumb  brushes  over  the  cheekbone  with  tenderness.  ❝  kinda  ridiculous  how  handsome  you  are  even  in  this  life.  ❞  farlan  wasn’t  shy  about  complimenting  levi  back  then,  &&  it  seems  like  the  same  even  now.

              even  while  knowing  how  damaged  farlan  was,  levi  still  let  farlan  stand  by  his  side.  farlan  believes  in  a  chance  at  redemption,  because  of  this  man.  &&  that  perhaps  there’s  still  something  good  in  him  rather  than  just  poison.  farlan’s  chest  aches  with  overwhelming  love  for  levi—-  the  man  who  taught  him  how  to  fly,  &&  look  towards  the  light.

              ❝  are  you  safe  ??  eating  well  ??  sleeping  ??  is  there  anything  you  need  ??  ❞  it’s  a  lot  of  questions  at  once,  but  farlan  can’t  help  himself.  he  needs  to  know  that  levi  is  alright.  &&  if  by  chance  he  isn’t,  farlan  will  take  care  of  him.  but  of  course—-  this  being  if  levi  even  wants  farlan  in  his  new  life.

The tables had turned. After a lifetime of war, Levi had changed. After helplessly watching his family getting eaten before his own eyes. After helplessly watching the boy he believed as humanity's hope turn himself into a monster. It never mattered how strong he was. Whether he trusted himself or not. He'd still have to witness his worst nightmares becoming reality. And now, after having broken completely, the timer was set off once again. None of these had any meaning anymore. Their sacrifices, their given hearts had no meaning because life would make another circle. Never-ending, they'd fight for absolutely nothing. This thought haunted Levi even now. Now that Farlan was standing in front of him, he wondered: Was all this suffering for nothing? All the pain, the nightmares, the regrets meant nothing? Why wasn't he filled with joy when seeing him again? Why was he so ashamed? Maybe Farlan wouldn't accept this side of him. Now that the one broken was him.

Never before he bowed his head to anyone. Never before he avoided staring directly into someone's eyes. It didn't matter if he was close to madness, or if he hadn't the strength to go on anymore — if he had lost all hope. He'd continue to keep his head up. But with him, for the first time, he felt scared to look at. What if he could see the damage on his soul? What if he was repulsed on what he became? Farlan who was the only one to have known and accepted every side of him.

“ You haven't changed at all. ” He wasn't talking about his appearance only. But the way he smiled, how he forced himself to light up the atmosphere. Trying to wash away all of his worries and make him forget about anything that troubled him only a minute ago. With the same kind eyes and soft touch, the former soldier felt as if not a single day had passed. As if they never had parted. What talent was that, to enchant him so nothing or nobody else mattered than him. His hand rested on top of Farlan's, letting out a deep breath. With his death, he took everything good Levi had with him. Emotions he had forgotten he ever had, like feeling weak at the eyes of someone. Vulnerability was a part to have died, but suddenly returned. And he was fighting hard to mask it the best way he could.

“ The one to look after you is me. Don't forget that. ” This was his way to avoid answering. Not that he didn't expect him to read through this. Never Levi would look down on him. Farlan may did, but Levi knew if it wasn't for him, the three of them wouldn't survive long enough to reach the upper world. If Levi was the one to guide them, without the other's cool-headedness and quick judgement, they'd probably had been killed before ever seeing the sunlight. The years passed and the anger that used to drive him died. He only became a more capable soldier. When his pride was crushed and his heart broke. Could he love him the same? Even if he stopped being the man he used to know? Could he return back on who he was for him? Had he the power to heal all the wounds the war left behind? Had he the WILL to do so?

“ I've been trying to lead a decent life this time, ” he explained. More like giving him a warning he wasn't the same as he was in the underground. He wasn't the one he could rely on anymore. He never was made to be a leader. That was why he chose to serve for the rest of his past life. Even when circumstances needed him to act on his own, he kept lying to himself he wasn't the one in charge in order to get through. The lives lost wouldn't burden him. He may continue to blame himself for many things but the pain wasn't sucking every last of his heart. Erwin and Hange knew that. That even he had his limits. He could handle as much as being a soldier. He'd lost the remaining part of himself if he ever became a leader one more time.

He'd definitely regret what he was about to say, but with Farlan, emotions flowed freely, like they hadn't with anyone else. “ Will you let me join you this time? ”

              ❝  CAN  YOU  FEEL  THAT  ??  ❞  erwin  reaches  out  to  touch  levi’s  face.  his  fingers  brush  the  dark  fringe,  trace  over  the  cheekbone,  drift  down  the  side,  then  cup  his  cheek.  ❝  do  you  feel  me  ??  is  my  hand  there  ??  ❞

             he’s  not  sleep  talking.  not  delirious.  not  intoxicated.  erwin  is  fully  awake  &&  sober——  &&  still  reeling  from  the  dream.  it’s  difficult  to  call  it  a  ’  night  terror  ’  or  even  a  ’  nightmare  ’,  because  it  was  a  memory.  not  one  in  the  bloodsoaked  battlefields.  but  in  their  private  quarters  at  night,  when  erwin  tries  to  undress  levi  as  he  often  did––  except  this  time,  erwin  doesn’t  have  an  arm.  &&  perhaps  he  lost  it  recently,  since  he  fumbles  with  trying  to  unbutton  levi’s  shirt.

             if  he  can’t  do  something  simple  as  that  .  .  .  why  would  levi  stay  by  his  side  as  his  partner  ??  erwin  doesn’t  remember  much  of  what  happens  afterward.  god,  he  can  only  hope  he  didn’t  snap  off  any  buttons  accidentally.  it’s  jarring  how  erwin  trusts  he’ll  stand  his  ground  as  a  soldier,  but  severely  doubts  himself  as  a  partner.

             erwin  wakes  to  his  left  hand  scratching,  almost  gouging  at  his  right  arm.  it’s  something  that  occurs  in  his  sleep  every  so  often.  even  now,  erwin  doesn’t  quite  know  if  his  right  arm  is  physically  present,  if  it’s  actually  real.  &&  he’s  too  mortified  over  being  triggered  by  something  trivial  as  struggling  to  undress   his  partner  in  their  past  lives .  shame  burns  him  alive.  levi  doesn’t  need  a  broken,  damaged  man.

             ❝  i’m  okay,  ❞  erwin  says  with  a  reassuring  smile.  he  withdraws  his  hand.  ❝  sorry  for  waking  you.  ❞  not  caring  about  the  dried  blood  on  his  arm,  erwin  fixes  the  blankets  over  levi.  ❝  you  should  sleep.  ❞​

BOTH OF THEM WERE BROKEN. Clinging to one another, yet keeping the emotions of their past lives sealed off. Individually carrying their own cross, suffering along the way only to not let their loved one take their burden to their own shoulders. Their love was beyond reason. The thought of letting the other catch a glimpse of how their soul looked like — of the madness inside their minds — was more terrifying than continuing this path alone. Only that the pain would start to eat away at every last piece of their heart. Little by little, they'd lose themselves in those nightmares, and the past would conquer the present. Maybe it was for the better if they started talking — if they sought salvation in each other's arms. Levi, who had never let anyone know what was going on inside his head, was starting to doubt if keeping silent was the right choice. Or if he had been a coward all this long and the real strength was hidden on relying on one another.

Sleep wouldn't ever come easy to him. The time or place had no real meaning. Always at the edge, he'd wake up at the lowest sound or faintest touch. Even when reassured of safety, even when knowing there was no enemy to fight anymore, he'd jolt awake, as if everything he had could be taken away from him in an instant — just like his life was. And if that fear wasn't the reason he'd stay up at nights, memories of shattered dreams would come back to him. The monkey escaping when he had a promise to fulfill. Staring at the ocean with him gone. His body failing him. Three hours of sleep with no breaks in between was his high score. He shouldn't have expected this night to be any different.

When he sensed the figure next to him moving, eyes flung open only to meet with a sight that made his blood freeze. The sight of Erwin violently scratching at his right hand. He extended his own and held tight of Erwin's wrist, stopping him from what he was doing. What was this for? Had he completely lost it? He waited for the blond to regain his ground, emotions changing quickly, battling one another. Was it rage that Levi was feeling? Towards who? Erwin who was unwillingly hurting his own self — the missing part of him — or life itself, for having led the man he had given his heart for, to this point? Was there a chance he was being ungrateful ? The memories of their past were those to bring them together to this life too. Because of those memories, they were able to lay in the same bed or feel each other's breath against their skin. Else, they'd probably never had found each other. Was this the price for their lasting love?

Giving him a nod, before he could even react properly, he was already being covered once again. What were the right words that'd bring him some comfort? To reassure him that this was no illusion and with that, to reassure himself too. He wished he could make fun of him, somehow. Light up the atmosphere, ease the tension off, and demean Erwin's worries. But he couldn't. His throat was closed, when experiencing for the first time the pain the other was going through. He was familiar with those emotions and knew well of what he could be thinking.

Many times he'd wake up at night, not feeling one or both of his legs. Many times he wouldn't be able to tell if he could see from his right eye. Many times he'd drop something, uncertain if he had been missing his fingers or not. The injuries weren't those he was scared of. What terrified him was waking up at that same bed, as if everything they had lived so far had been a mere dream. He'd return to those nights in agony, confined in a dark room, left alone, the only one to have made it in a world that had taken everyone important to him. Left with a useless and broken body. Broken, unable to reach them, even on his sleep. Everyone, surrounded by light, they'd slowly walk away from him. Their pace would speed up whenever he closed ( opened ? ) his eyes, and they'd get further ahead, fading from his sight as he'd give his all only to get a step closer. The day he gave his last breath, was when the light surrounded him and brought him back to them, only to be reborn, struggle in a new life and finally find him. Doubting reality even for a second? Out of breath, fighting for air, he'd try to convince himself Erwin was real whenever his body would choose to betray him that way and play a game with his sanity. The same he expected to have been for Erwin. Dying before reaching his dream. What gave meaning to his efforts. Their nightmares were different, but they were made the same.

He may truly believe him to be a devil. The devil he had sold his soul to, and would give his life for. The devil he would follow to the ends of the earth, only so he'd see him make his vision come to reality. The former captain used to serve humanity, but he didn't know what his choice would be if he had to choose between this demon, and the future of the world. He actually had taken the second choice, when reviving Armin, but it was too heavy to admit even to himself. That he hadn't been enough of a soldier. He used to think there was nothing to bring Erwin down. An arm, a leg, an eye, nothing was going to stop him from leading them to victory. In the end, they were both HUMANS. Seeing this side of him was the confirmation to crush all doubts he may had before. Nothing but a human would have survived with a soul this scarred.

“ Tsk, as if I'd be able to sleep, knowing you may dirty the sheets with blood, ” he mumbled, leaving the bed only to return from the bathroom with a wet cloth at hand. Sitting by his side, he grabbed his arm, with gentle and slow moves cleaning the dried blood, trying to understand how deep the wounds were. “ You don't need pain to prove it is there, ” he said, eyes focused to his right arm. “ I am here for when you have doubts. Wake me up, call for me. I don't give a fuck, but tell me when you need me to confirm it for you. ” Said the one that'd dig his nails as deep as he could to his knees whenever he'd feel them go numb. “ There's nobody you need to fight anymore. ” Nobody would rip that arm off his body anymore.

TATTOOS

MOST VERSES: Levi dislikes tattoos. He thinks of them as intentionally scarring your body. He believes it's an act of disrespect to the body you are born with.

MODERN (REINCARNATION) VERSES: In the verses where Levi is reborn and has the memories of his past life, he'd make a tattoo of the wings of freedom, the emblem of the Survey Corps at his chest, where his heart is. This is aimed to honor the ones to have devoted their hearts even when the Survey Corps don't exist anymore and he believes to be the only one to remember them. 

                  ❝  WHAT  SHOULD  I  FIX  ABOUT  MYSELF  ??  ❞  does  he  talk  too  much  ??  does  he  laugh  too  loudly  ??  is  he  too  naive  ??  is  his  body  not  attractive  ??  was  he  not  good  enough  in  bed  ??  is  it  because  he  cried  during  their  first  time  together  ??  was  he  too  emotional  ??  too  vulnerable  ??  questions  run  endlessly,  &&  so  does  eren’s  flaws.  it’s  still  unclear  how  eren  forgot  the  past  few  years  they  shared  together.  but  what  he  understands  less  is  levi  treating  him  like  a  stranger  when  they  meet  again.  how  badly  did  eren  fuck  up  for  levi  to  want  to  cut  him  off  ??  to  erase  him  ??

eren’s  always  known  that  levi  deserves  more—-  &&  eren  was  determined  to  become  a  better  man  for  him.  but  it  seems  like  his  past  efforts  weren’t  enough.  even  now,  eren  clenches  his  fists  to  dig  nails  into  his  palms,  hard  enough  to  break  skin  &&  draw  blood,  inviting  physical  pain  to  incinerate  his  emotions.  don’t  cry,  don’t  cry,  don’t  fucking cry–

but  tears  still  fall.  ❝  i’m  sorry.  ❞  sorry  for  crying,  for  being  damaged,  for  not  being  the  man  you  deserve.  ❝  i  love  you.  i  .  .  .  i  know  it’s  not  worth  much,  but  you’ll  always  have  my  heart,  levi.  ❞

He knew it right from the start. That the one that should have taken that pill was HIM. Not because he didn't deserve to suffer. Not because he deserved to escape reality as HE had shaped it to be. But because he'd only continue to corrupt him. Even if he entered his life only for a moment, he'd continue to corrupt him. Even if they were nothing but strangers with a past to not connect them anymore, the same scenario would be repeated once again before Levi's eyes. He wasn't meant to touch the light, after all. 

“ Stop saying that, ” he almost snapped when those eyes seemed to recognize him. He was too close to raise his voice but used all his will to hold himself back, if his assumption was true and he still had power over the younger's heart. “ Stop spitting out this nonsense. You know nothing about love. ” The only love he had known was the one he'd see through his eyes. The strong bond that tied them together, attached to each other, never able to let go. As if there was an invisible thread that tied the two of them, wrapped around Eren's throat, slowly getting more tight, not letting him BREATHE. 

“ Sooner or later, you'd come to hate me. ” He'd come to hate him, when he'd realize the freedom Levi had taken from him. When he wouldn't stand the suffocation anymore. And he didn't want to be there to see that. Another one of his selfish acts. He wanted to believe it was because he loved him that he'd let him go. He'd set him free and let him find where his happiness resides. But if he made the slightest attempt to be honest with himself, he’d realize he never truly intended to let him go. Because he was that kind of person. Trying to steal his light so he'd fill the darkness inside of him. Gasping for air, he'd drain Eren’s life from him, so he would save his own soul.

It was too difficult after all, to let the only source of light to his life, escape his hands. 

There was nothing for Eren to fix. They reached this point because Levi couldn't change anything about himself. Just like the coward he was. “ You said it yourself. The one that abandoned you. You wouldn't want to see them again. They'd be a BAD person. Why hold on to someone like that? ” Why wasn't he letting him go? Why didn't he hate him? Eren had taken this choice after all. He had chosen to take that pill because he couldn't stand to remember him anymore. Because he hated him.

             0  OR  100  is  all  eren  has  known  his  entire  life.  it’s  never  been  in  his  nature  to  do  anything  half-heartedly.  sometimes,  it  backfires,  since  eren’s  anger  can  catch  flame,  &&  explode  into  a  vicious  wildfire.  especially  when  it’s  outrage  over  injustices.  his  mother  tries  to  teach  him  how  to  temper  his  emotions.  eren  hopes  he’s  been  getting  better  at  that  over  the  years,  even  as  he  moves  forward  without  her  in  this  world  anymore.

             ——but  there’s  no  controlling  this  intense,  searing  love  for  levi.  &&  it  only  burns  stronger  as  they  share  this  quiet  intimacy  together.  eren’s  never  been  articulate  as  levi,  so  he  doesn’t  know  if  he’ll  find  the  right  words  to  express  just  how  much  he  loves  this  man.  eren  knows  humanity’s  strongest  doesn’t  need  protecting,  but  eren  still  strives  to  be  levi’s  shield  in  the  battlefield,  &&  take  care  of  him  in  private  quarters.

            when  levi  eases  some  space  between  them,  eren  leans  back.  eren  knows  he  can  be  awfully  overwhelming  sometimes  (  well,  most  times  ),  so  he  tries  his  best  to  dial  it  back.  the  sense  of  urgency  to  feel,  to  explore,  to  connect  comes  from  a  place  of  fear—–  how  much  time  do  they  have  left  together  ??  what  if  one  leaves  first  tomorrow  ??  but  eren  doesn’t  want  to  keep  living  motivated  by  fear.  especially  when  it  comes  to  levi,  eren  only  wants  to  be  motivated  by  pure,  unbridled,  fierce  love.  scarlet  sweeps  across  eren’s  face  at  those  words.  (  ❝  i  want  to  be  looking  at  you.  ❞  )  how  long  he’s  yearned  to  be  seen  by  this  man.  however  the  sense  of  being  flustered  is  fleeting  when  levi  asks  that  question.

            eren  spends  his  entire  life  with  outrage  over  being  treated  like  cattle.  but  once  an  invisible  collar  tightens  around  eren’s  throat,  he  struggles  to  reclaim  his  voice. ❝  ——i’m  the  military’s  property,  ❞  eren  starts  off.  ❝  &&  i  understand  that.  it’s  because  the  military  owns  me  that  i’m  still  alive.  ❞  or  else  eren  would’ve  been  executed  on  the  spot,  since  he’s  more  titan  than  human.  eren  idly  plays  with  a  loose  thread  on  his  sleeve  while  wondering  how  to  phrase  the  following  words.  his  solution:  wing  it.  

           ❝  sometimes,  the  higher  ups  will  call  for  me  privately,  &&  request  that  i– … i  serve  them.  but– !! they’re  very  careful  !!   ❞  eren  reassures,  &&  subconsciously  draws  back  some  more.  ❝ they  know  not  to  do  anything  that  can  risk  me  shifting  into  a  titan.  any  marks  they  make  fades,  so  we’re  not  wasting  resources  on  treatment  either.  ❞  eren  nods,  but  it’s  hard  to  tell  who  he’s  trying  to  convince  this  is  all  normal  :  levi  or  himself.

            ❝  so  .  .  .  ❞  green  eyes  flicker  away  for  a  moment.  ❝  you’re  the  first  &&  only  person  i  want,  levi.  even  just  being  close  to  you  like  this  feels  really–  good.  &&  safe.  ❞  eren  laughs  sheepishly  when  being  reminded  of  how  he’s  not  the  most  eloquent  sometimes.  eren  caresses  the  side  of  levi’s  face.  ❝  i  love  you,  captain.  ❞

What should he expect to hear? Many scenarios passed Levi's mind in these few seconds that Eren took position and tried to find the strength to say what was that had been weighing on him for so long. The way he moved, the look on his face, how his voice wavered with uncertainty. He should have read the signs and stop him before he even started. Not force him to recall these moments. But he wanted to be certain. He wanted to know for sure and not rely on possibly false assumptions before making anyone his next target.

Never before had he seen this side of Eren. From the very first moment their eyes met across the bars of that dirty dungeon, Levi had been watching the younger one. Not even once taking his eyes off of him. Not really. Sometimes from afar, sometimes when able to be by his side, he'd watch how his heart would beat when facing the difficulties the Corps would have to overcome. When trying to withstand the pressure of being humanity's hope. The emotions he'd get to know for the first time. The betrayal, fear, doubt. The insecurities he kept buried deep down that suddenly came to the surface.

With him, Levi would start to remember what his old self was like. His old self, before the war would numb every last one of his emotions. The same war to begin a storm inside their hearts was the same war to kill every last part of them that was still HUMAN. Every soldier would have to go through this. Every soldier would have to give up on their humanity at some point. Not many lived long enough to reach this point, but when this happened, they had two choices. To give up on living or grasp onto something — anything — that would give them a reason to keep fighting.

Eren seemed to be the exception. Called a monster by many, Levi thought for him to be the only one that wouldn't — that couldn't — give up on his humanity. The only one that couldn't keep fighting if not motivated by his heart. Either it was his hatred for the titans or his love for those important to him. Levi was there for that reason. To remind him who he really was. His real strength. His dreams. He was there to make sure he wouldn't lose sight of the cause he devoted himself to. To make sure he wouldn't give up on his humanity. In this situation, what could he do? He thought Eren couldn't get humiliated. His pride couldn't be broken. But life would show its ugliest face to everyone.

When the confirmation came, along with these petty excuses for those to have dared to touch him, the soldier's blood started to boil with rage. Why was the first time he heard about this? Those perverted assholes, trying to destroy everything they laid their hands on. The familiar feral feeling that arose inside of him was one he thought had died many years ago. One that belonged to his shady past on the underground. Levi had changed but that didn't mean those pigs he had known in that hellish place didn't exist anymore. Those pigs abusing power to satisfy their needs. ‘I'll kill them all.’ That was his first thought. Those who dared to hurt the ones he kept close would meet that fate. But he wasn't the man to easily slice their throats anymore. Many things about him had changed since that time. The value of life had changed. What he knew for certain was that he'd make them pay. The extent of their punishment would come when he'd face them. But for now, he knew he had to focus on Eren.

“ I remind you, you are placed under my care. ” His care. This was the first time he used that word to phrase the power Levi had over Eren's life. But when he had been staring at those eyes who had been keeping this humiliation as a secret all this long, the harshness he'd usually show had started to fade. “ I should have known this earlier. ” His intention wasn't to scold him. But to make sure this wasn't going to happen again. He'd make sure of it himself, but he wanted Eren to know that too. That Levi hadn't taken his freedom from him, even if he had promised otherwise. The names of those people? He'd force him to spill them out later. For now, he was able to tell he didn't want to say more.

A hand moved to the base of the other's neck, gently holding to pull him closer once again. Eyes were closed for a second before pressing their lips together once more. For the safety he hadn't been able to provide before - for his failure as a guardian - he'd make sure to repay. For every single one of those horrible memories, Levi would replace with one of love and affection. Never again he'd let Eren look back at the time where their emotions for each other were some sort of secret they had to keep for themselves. At the time of loneliness and insufferable longing. “ What I am about to say is something I'll deny if ever brought up in public . . . ” he warned. “ But you are not anyone's property. You are free. ”