okay its a new dawn its a new day im running on 3h of sleep an iced latte and a squeeze pack of apple sauce but im here to elaborate as @pisghettio asked:
this whole idea came bc i started my reread and got to the bit where van eck tells kaz not to blaspheme and like. if that's how he treats a barrel rat then surely he'd be more dilligent with his own son, no?
i was sleepy and a little crazy yesterday and misremembered what van eck says about wylan. he's canonically subjected to hypnotism, not exorcism, and thats my bad; but honestly, how far off could it be?
van eck seems to be a deeply religious man, one that worships a god of trade, and sees his son as someone who is unfit to trade and thus worship this god. what guilt may he have planted in wylan? was wylan taught that if he just prayed and worked enough, he would be able to hack it? that his inability to read was a consequence of some underlying sin? that there was some sort of demon or innate evil that was blocking his way to ghezen and needed to be expelled? how many nights did wylan lie in his bed and pray to be made right ? how many days was he made to labour with the servants to atone?
and the aftermath is just as delicious. two of the crows are deeply religious. do you think some days wylan looks at inej or matthias and their unwavering faith and thinks, if there is a god out there, why didn't he help me? is he bitter about the solace they seem to get from their gods, while all he ever got was pain and abuse? does he see inej murmur prayers to her saints and get reminded of the prayers his father would murmur while he made wylan pour over pages he couldn't seem to grasp? does he see matthias kneeling on the ground and get reminded of the days he was made to kneel at the altar and repent?
does his stomach turn at the idea of running a con in the church of barter, the place of worship of this god that has cursed him? does a part of him believe they will fail, because he is a disappointment to this god, that his broken relationship to this faith will sabotage their success? does he remember what this holy place used to mean, and feel his breath quicken?
im especially intrigued by how it might affect his relationship with inej. inej stays with them after ck. do they bump heads over this? does wylan have bad days, where the sight of inej muttering a prayer at their dinner table makes him need to get up and leave the room, shaking with the memories of what used to follow prayers at this table? does he debate with her about it, how she can believe in a benevolent higher power when it causes so much pain? or does he stay quiet, telling himself that it doesn't affect him even as it makes his hands tremble?
but im also intrigued with his relationship with faith in general, especially after he takes over his fathers business and runs it successfully. is he jaded like kaz, having long since abandoned any notion of gods? or is there still a part of him, deep down, that believes? does the merch in him feel some semblance of spirituality as he runs an empire and attends council meetings? or does he still feel inadequate, wary of the other merchers, unable to shake the fear that their faith would drive them to cruelty like his father? does he feel shame over everything he needs help with, years of conditioning telling him that getting it done with help isn't enough, that he needs to do it himself to appease this god? does the vague guilt of his shortcomings follow him around whenever he sets foot on holy ground or shakes hands with a ghezenite? or does he feel disgust, not only for the people but the faith itself, angry at this god and unwilling to forgive?
does he feel guilt and shame follow every step and action he takes, without even knowing why?
and then there's jesper. jesper, who aids him, making it possible for him to be a merch. does he think of jesper as his personal messiah, a gift from ghezen himself, someone to bridge the gap? does some deep rooted trauma make him think that he's cursing jesper, sullying him by extension? bringing the wrath of an angry god not only on himself, but the person he loves most? or is jesper just jesper, his jesper, all he needs, to hell with the gods?
i find it so interesting how wesper has such essential queer angst without it ever being about their queerness. i could go on and on but frankly this is already obnoxiously long so I'll leave it at that. if u have any thoughts on this or just want to go insane with me PLEASE dm me i beg
