Forgiveness
For six months I’ve been sabotaging my own happiness. At first, my feet had become Peter Pan; endless happy thoughts with the right amount of high.
“This is it”, I would tell myself, wanting nothing more, only for that feeling to last forever. It was fear and a hibernating self awareness, emotions, my love, that kept me from an eternity of happiness.
All I feel is disgust with the person who I became, who said hurtful and unforgettable words that could make someone fall out of love in a heartbeat.
I don’t know who that person was, but THAT IS NOT me. I miss the selfless, considerate, devoted, honest, happy woman I had discovered, especially through all the pain created by one too many people.
Now… I am not happy… And I keep telling myself every day everything will be OKAY, we can start NEW, we can FORGET, we can LET GO, we can FORGIVE.
It will be a very long time before I can forgive myself.
I dug a pit and threw something amazing that I thought then, was easily replaced into that void of nothingness, and didn’t think twice about how many ways I was affecting the affection in the opposite way.
Guess who was wrong?
This past month, my self awareness came back from its hiatus, an overwhelming surge of grief, and now…
I get so lost in thought of those last six months and think about EVERY possibility how I could’ve changed everything, if my ego didn’t get in the way.
I get lost, each and every day, that this pill gets too hard to swallow, to show that I am okay.
I am so sad and devastated that I lost the love you were willing to give six months ago. I can never change what happened, when I’m hurting so much to want to do that.
Maybe I don’t deserve to ever fly like Peter Pan or to feel the greatness of an everlasting high.
I love you. I’ll keep holding on to this feeling as long as I can. I’ll be waiting to finally find your kind of love again.
