☂️

“Am I crushing you?”

“Not even a little.”

*

“Did you say hi to Ally and Jiji? The other plants got crushed, but… the desert ones are strong.”

“I did notice them. I am glad they are still here to keep you company.”

“I’m glad you gave them to me.”

teeheeeehhhheeeheee

she falls in love with aang because he doesn’t just represent hope for the world but he also gives her back her lost childhood with his whimsy. she gets to be silly and childish with him and that’s so important for her.

"You still are a kid!"

“You were.”

Kushina. I don’t think this one needs explaining. Naruto’s her son. She let Minato entrust their son to this bastard, trusting that he would stop being a fucking creep long enough to take care of Naruto. Instead, he abandons him, steals his money, and forces him to turn into a naked woman. Hear you me: if Kushina were alive, they would be scraping pieces of J*raiya off of the Hokage Monument for years to come.

Iruka. A) Anyone who hurts Naruto, even unintentionally, gets a one-way ticket to Iruka’s shitlist. B) He’s the only goddamn adult in this series who takes creepy/perverted behavior seriously. C) He didn’t essentially adopt Naruto from a young age just for the man who should’ve been taking care of him to show up and exploit him financially and emotionally. The only reason Iruka is below Kushina on this list is that, unlike Kushina, Iruka probably wouldn’t be able to overpower J*raiya without enlisting the help of several other people on this list. But make no mistake: by the time Iruka was through with him, there would only be two Sannin left on the planet.

Kakashi. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Kakashi is a closet pervert too”, “He reads J*raiya’s books”. Listen. Hatake “No Man Left Behind” Kakashi is not going to sit around and let one of his precious students be treated like that. J*raiya would be walking home after a long day of creeping on women one day and he’d suddenly find himself surrounded by growling dogs and a very pissed off Copycat Ninja.

Gai. I put him here because the results are functionally the same as if Kakashi found out about J*raiya’s behavior. But Gai himself wouldn’t get a chance to hurt J*raiya, because he would just tell Kakashi about it and then trust Kakashi to… ahem… neutralize the situation while Gai legs it to Naruto’s apartment and hugs him for seven hours while crying and telling him how strong and youthful he is, and I think that’s very sexy of him. (If J*raiya was still alive by hour number eight, though, Gai would give him a minimum of ten broken bones)

Konan. She’s on this list because she already hated J*raiya enough to want him dead. Finding out that he was making a minor turn into a naked woman for him would just be the icing on the cake. She’s this high on the list because death by 1,000,000,000 papercuts (and/or death by 1,000,000,000 paper bombs) would be a really shitty way to go.

Choza/Shikaku/Inoichi. They share a spot because the outcome would be the same no matter which one figured it out. He would tell the other two, they’d put together a game plan, and then J*raiya would kind of just… disappear. He would eventually be presumed dead and his name put on the KIA stone, but no body would ever be found.

Tsunade. Being Hokage has its perks, but it also has its drawbacks. Namely, she is no longer allowed to just murder her former teammate in broad daylight without a fair trial. She could theoretically order someone else to do it, but she’s a very hands-on woman. So she’s this low on the list not because she wouldn’t beat the absolute shit out of J*raiya, but because she would have to fill out a ton of paperwork before and after.

Gamabunta. Naruto tells him about the Sexy Jutsu one day and Gamabunta is like “Hold up, I’ll be right back,” summons himself to J*raiya’s location, lands on top of him, crushing him instantly, and then summons himself back to Naruto, and that’s that.

Yamato. He would probably be conflicted about killing J*raiya, but make no mistake: he absolutely would not let that shit stand. Whether J*raiya survived or not would depend entirely on his own smooth-talking ability.

Asuma. He wouldn’t kill J*raiya. He would turn him over to the shinobi justice system. But J*raiya would be showing up to his trial extremely singed.

Kurenai. Same thing as Asuma, but she’s a lil lower on the list because her preferred method of inflicting pain is entirely mental. J*raiya would go to trial relatively unscathed, but extremely traumatized.

Minato. Yes, yes, Naruto is his son, but realistically, he put up with J*raiya’s bullshit for years and still named him Naruto’s godfather. If he had any intention of holding his sensei accountable, he would have done it before his son’s birth. I’m not saying J*raiya would get out unscathed, but I am saying that Minato would be “above” hurting him, which puts him below almost everyone else on this list.