moon child

REFLECTIONS

This is not going to be an entry of hate towards a past lover, but a regcognition.

Yesterday I heard our song ring through my ears and it has been the first time I have thought of you in awhile. I thought of you, your family, and what you had done to me.

I could have never hated you, but I despised how much I let you torment me, but I do not despise you anymore.

Thank you. Thank you for showing me how I should not be treated. Thank you for helping me realize it was not my fault for not being able to trust you when you crumbled our foundation. Thank you for teaching me what it was like to be ripped from myself. I grew.

I hope your family is well. Your sister I hope she prospers and I hope your mother realizes she can amount to the world. I hope everything runs well with the waves that intertwine between your relationships. I hope your relationship well. I hope it shows you how to treat someone and to respect someone’s mental health.

I never wish what you did to me on you, instead I hope you reflect, come to terms, and grow. I hope you a happy and healthy life, and if it is with the girl that made you break us, I wish you all the love.

Thank you for being vital in my self worth and growth, but now I am done. I am done with the nights sobbing over a bottle because I found I was never cared by for by you. I instead was a charity case you beat emotionally to build yourself up. I am done blaming myself for you not being full committed. It was you who had to deal with it. I just hoped you would have told me sooner instead of dragging me along. I am done getting angry at myself for not being able to hate you. I am done thinking of you.

10 Days Halsey: Day 5: Favorite Halsey collaboration

THREE MONTHS

It has been three months since i heard your acidic tone burn my lungs

It has been three months since i heard your curdling yells collapse my drums

It’s been three months since I curled under my linen sheets listening to music to drown out our toxic love.

It’s been three months since i’ve figured out that with you I lost who i was.

as much as I loved you,

and god i loved you

in fact I still do and i always will because that is the sick thing about love no matter how much i would love to hate you i can’t. i can’t hate you because you taught me a lot.

with all the cries and panic attacks you brought on you also brought on fits of laughter and late night rambles of a future we paved for each other.

the difference was we saw two different futures.

mine was a future of picking up everything and following you because i thought that was what love was.

yours was her.

i do not know when yours started to become her and i cannot find myself to hate you for that.

i don’t think i will ever hate you because you where what i considered my other half while i was a mere quarter of you

i think of you time to time.

you will escape from the corners of mind but come back with waves

it is getting easier to listen to silly love songs without my chest caving into sobs a

it is getting easier accepting the mere fact you never loved me you just wanted someone as a charity case

it is getting easier not hating myself because i couldn’t trust you

it is getting easier as the truths uncover themselves in the holes of our story

it is getting easier wearing that shirt i wore the first time we kissed, going to that restaurant where we slurred our future devotions to each other