- ̗̀speak ̖́-

REFLECTIONS

This is not going to be an entry of hate towards a past lover, but a regcognition.

Yesterday I heard our song ring through my ears and it has been the first time I have thought of you in awhile. I thought of you, your family, and what you had done to me.

I could have never hated you, but I despised how much I let you torment me, but I do not despise you anymore.

Thank you. Thank you for showing me how I should not be treated. Thank you for helping me realize it was not my fault for not being able to trust you when you crumbled our foundation. Thank you for teaching me what it was like to be ripped from myself. I grew.

I hope your family is well. Your sister I hope she prospers and I hope your mother realizes she can amount to the world. I hope everything runs well with the waves that intertwine between your relationships. I hope your relationship well. I hope it shows you how to treat someone and to respect someone’s mental health.

I never wish what you did to me on you, instead I hope you reflect, come to terms, and grow. I hope you a happy and healthy life, and if it is with the girl that made you break us, I wish you all the love.

Thank you for being vital in my self worth and growth, but now I am done. I am done with the nights sobbing over a bottle because I found I was never cared by for by you. I instead was a charity case you beat emotionally to build yourself up. I am done blaming myself for you not being full committed. It was you who had to deal with it. I just hoped you would have told me sooner instead of dragging me along. I am done getting angry at myself for not being able to hate you. I am done thinking of you.

i sincerely apologize.

you craved an intimacy i could not give nor receive. I had just came out of a four year relationship that had collapsed who I was. I found myself stumbling to regather my life again. You craved someone who was emotionally capable of giving you something more.

I could never have been that more. We started off as nothing much more than friends under the sheets, but soon you began late night phone calls. You became good morning texts. You became the one calling me pet names that would cause my heart to ache because i found only one person capable of calling me them.

I sincerely apologize that I couldn’t tell you my heart was unavailable. I became the blow off text. I became the send to voicemail. I apologize that I could not face you. In honesty I was scared. I still am but I do not feel that severity of a heartbreak as much as i did on those summer nights.

I am so incredibly sorry for not being able to hold your heart in my hands. You where my best friends brothers friend. I could have never done that and I apologize that I could not carry your soul with mine.

I know you will find someone who can. I know you will find the girl who can answer your calls. Who doesn’t break down when you call her that name because it triggers negative emotions. A girl who can answer every text with as much love and passion as you sent. A girl who can be the shoulder to hold you.

love,

THREE MONTHS

It has been three months since i heard your acidic tone burn my lungs

It has been three months since i heard your curdling yells collapse my drums

It’s been three months since I curled under my linen sheets listening to music to drown out our toxic love.

It’s been three months since i’ve figured out that with you I lost who i was.

as much as I loved you,

and god i loved you

in fact I still do and i always will because that is the sick thing about love no matter how much i would love to hate you i can’t. i can’t hate you because you taught me a lot.

with all the cries and panic attacks you brought on you also brought on fits of laughter and late night rambles of a future we paved for each other.

the difference was we saw two differe nt futures.

mine was a future of picking up everything and following you because i thought that was what love was.

yours was her.

i do not know when yours started to become her and i cannot find myself to hate you for that.

i don’t think i will ever hate you because you where what i considered my other half while i was a mere quarter of you