Ann's Blog

I was taught that every road

begins with a single choice —

that underneath the noise of this world

lives a quiet, simple voice.

And I believed it.

I still do.

But with that belief and my faith

it makes things difficult

when things get complicated —

and it is the way it is.

And that's okay.

Because faith doesn't promise

that simple means easy.

It just means the answer

was never as far

as the world wanted you to think.

Some things are complicated

and settled

all at once.

Some things are heavy

and still at peace.

I don't need to unravel

what God already holds.

I don't need a stage

to declare what my heart already knows.

It is what it is.

And what it is —

is mine.

Chosen. Loved. Enough.

The simplicity was never in the absence of struggle.

It was always in knowing

I didn't have to struggle alone.

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DAILY INTENTION:

I allow things to be exactly as they are, without needing to fix or fully understand them.

DAILY AFFIRMATION:

"I am learning, and my learning has no deadline. Every realization — no matter when it arrives — is right on time."

=====================================

JOURNAL / REFLECTION

=====================================

Today I realized it is OK for something to be complicated and it is just what it is and that's OK.

A new Thai BL show called Ticket to Heaven (with Gemini and Fourth) is what sparked the realization. Being Roman Catholic — born, raised, and chosen — the topic can be sensitive and triggering.

I am happily married since August 2011. My husband and I got together February 2010. We went to high school together. He was born in 84, I was born in 83. We share the same faith — Roman Catholic born and raised.

I never came out as bi because I never saw a reason to. I never saw anything good come out of it. But my husband pulled it out of me, embraced it, and we have been happily married.

I decided not to watch Ticket to Heaven. I don't need a TV show to prove or make fun of something that is already settled in me. That is self-protection and wisdom — not avoidance.

I have always believed anything and everything has a choice and nothing is as complicated as people make it to be. There is a simplification to everything.

With that belief and my faith though, it makes things difficult when things get complicated — and it is the way it is. And that's OK.

=====================================

REFLECTION HIGHLIGHTS

=====================================

- Everything has a choice.

- Simplicity lives underneath the noise.

- Peace comes from choosing, not from solving.

- Being settled doesn't mean it wasn't complicated.

- I am Roman Catholic. Happily married. Bi and unbothered by labels. All of it, all at once.

=====================================

POEM — It Is What It Is

=====================================

I was taught that every road

begins with a single choice —

that underneath the noise of this world

lives a quiet, simple voice.

And I believed it.

I still do.

But with that belief and my faith

it makes things difficult

when things get complicated —

and it is the way it is.

And that's okay.

Because faith doesn't promise

that simple means easy.

It just means the answer

was never as far

as the world wanted you to think.

Some things are complicated

and settled

all at once.

Some things are heavy

and still at peace.

I don't need to unravel

what God already holds.

I don't need a stage

to declare what my heart already knows.

It is what it is.

And what it is —

is mine.

Chosen. Loved. Enough.

The simplicity was never in the absence of struggle.

It was always in knowing

I didn't have to struggle alone.

=====================================

END OF SESSION

Today's Intention & Affirmation

Intention: "I will honor the progress I've made and trust that things are falling into place — one step at a time."

Affirmation: "I am capable, persistent, and deserving of good things. What felt impossible is becoming possible."

Big Wins This Week

Novel Progress: Completely restructured, extended, and reworked all chapters of the BL novel. Added a bunch of new chapters — a massive creative push.

Louisiana House: After a full week of permit battles and red tape, finally received the email confirming the electricity is scheduled to be turned on. Move-in is potentially just a few weeks away — three hours closer to home.

How I'm Feeling Today

It all hit today — woke up with a headache, body finally releasing all the stress that built up during the permit battle and creative marathon. Feeling a lot better now. It'll probably take a few more days for it to fully sink in that the move is actually happening. The real moment will be walking into the new house with the air and electricity on.

Venting / What's Annoying Me

TV & AI Videos: Everything feels like the same story on repeat. The AI Facebook videos all follow the same formula — female lead hides her background, clueless husband/boyfriend believes everything, mistress manipulates, wife/girlfriend disappears, dramatic 'woe is me' arc. Different cast, same story.

Omegaverse AI Content: The omegaverse videos get the lore wrong — a male omega casually denying a bond makes no sense. The bond is supposed to be almost painful to resist. Bad lore is frustrating as a writer who actually understands the world-building.

Thailand BL Shows: Nothing is holding interest right now. Writer brain has evolved past a lot of what's being produced. Ended up just listening to music instead.

What Helped Today — Music

Turned to Linkin Park (Chester era) and Papa Roach to decompress and regulate. These are the go-to artists when in an irritated or heavy mood — they meet the feeling without trying to fix it.

Favorite go-to songs:

Linkin Park: Numb, In The End

Papa Roach: Last Resort, Scars, Get Away With Murder

Listening via Apple Music — shuffle on artist works perfectly as a built-in emotional release playlist.

Novel & Creative Notes

BL Novel: All backed up to Wattpad, AO3, and Microsoft OneNote. Taking a short creative rest before diving back in. Goal is to finish the BL novel completely before returning to the omegaverse story — no more jumping back and forth.

Backup Reminder

Novel work (Wattpad, AO3, OneNote): Backed up

Journal/venting/poems (Tumblr): Remember to back up this session to Tumblr

Season 05.27.26

Journaling Session Backup

Session Notes: Building My System

Today I set up a new journaling project on Claude. Key decisions made:

- Naming chats: Season + date (e.g. Season 05.27.26)

- Archiving chats by renaming instead of deleting

- 5 total projects: 4 novels + 1 journaling/personal space

- Backing up to Microsoft OneNote (new notebook: Journaling, Poems & Venting) and Tumblr

- Word doc at end of each session for full backup

Vent: Housing Frustration

Waiting on the final mobile home building permit for our new house in Ragley, LA 70657. The last inspection failed because of the mobile home company's electrician (Southwest Home Center, Lake Charles, LA). Our contact Pauline is working on getting it fixed as of last night. No update yet today.

Until the permit comes through, electricity stays off and there's no point moving. We are currently in Texas City, TX — almost 3 hours away. Adam and I are ready to move back home. We are originally from Westlake, LA / Lake Charles, LA and moving to Ragley, LA on 4.5 acres of land.

The kids (ages 8 and 9) are unbothered and enjoying summer break, which is a blessing.

Note to self: Document all communications with Pauline and Southwest Home Center — dates, calls, what was said.

Personal Writing: Breakdown 2020

Written: 1.14.26

A personal account covering Hurricane Laura (August 2, 2020) and Hurricane Delta (October 9, 2020), the loss of AJ, leaving CPSO after 13 years (September 17, 2007 - November 1, 2020), family fractures, leaving Louisiana in November 2020, and rebuilding in Texas City, TX.

Key reflection: "My mental health is healthy, and I am not consumed with trying to get approval from them anymore."

Full text saved separately in OneNote.

Poem: Letter Unsent, Letter to Dad

Written: 3.29.23

If I could have one more talk with my dad what would I say?

If I could write a letter to him in heaven, just one, what would I say?

Would I ask for forgiveness for things I can't explain or the choices I made?

Would I ask him how AJ my son is doing? Is he able to spend time together with him along with my oldest nephew?

Would I talk to him about my other two kids I can still see and take care of?

Letter unsent, letter to dad

Would I say I miss you, I love you one more time?

My Dad meant a lot to me despite not always seeing him often as a child.

I always understood he worked offshore, he did the best he could.

I wonder often, nearly every day his thoughts on my life since he passed. Would he be angry, would he be proud, what would he say?

I can hear my dad answering me in my head.

He says it is just the way it is. Be stronger, hold your head up high.

I can hear his words, Mom is just the way she is, it will be okay.

It feels like he tells me to calm down Ann, it's okay, keep moving forward.

I swear I even hear him in the far distance in my mind say I am sorry for the yelling, no one knew it affected you like that. I hear him say he knew no other way back then.

Letter unsent, letter to dad

I then forgive and feel forgiveness.

I ask him to watch over my other two kids.

I just know in my mind he would be so proud of them after the pain and heartache of losing my first son AJ.

Letter unsent, letter to dad

We miss you dearly, life would be so different if you were still here.

Love you.

If you could have just one more conversation with a loved one in heaven or are able to write a letter, just one. What would you say?

Letter unsent, letter to dad.

i am 42 years old with a.d.d. and recently been told i have bottom up processing neurodivergent. does this make sense?

2 minutes ago

Yes, it makes complete sense. In 2026, research increasingly describes both 

ADHD and Autism through the lens of bottom-up processing. This term explains why your brain may prioritize raw data and sensory details over pre-set expectations or "the big picture". 

What Bottom-Up Processing Means for You

Data-First Approach: You likely process every detail—sights, sounds, and facts—as they arrive, building a conclusion from the ground up. In contrast, "top-down" processors use past experiences to quickly filter out what they think is unimportant.

Reduced Filtering: For someone with ADHD, the brain's "automatic filter" is often less active. You might notice the hum of a refrigerator or a subtle change in someone's tone that others completely miss because your brain treats all incoming data as equally important.

Hyper-Awareness and Distraction: Because you aren't filtering "irrelevant" stimuli, you can become easily overwhelmed by sensory input. However, this same trait often leads to superior pattern recognition and innovative problem-solving.

"Doing Before Thinking": In ADHD specifically, bottom-up processing can manifest as responding to immediate ideas or stimuli without first mapping out a long-term plan (action-first dynamics). 

Why This Matters at 42

AI Overview

Bottom-up processing in neurodivergent individuals, particularly those with autism, means starting with detailed sensory input and building to a bigger picture, unlike neurotypical "top-down" processing (big picture first). This style leads to noticing subtle details (like typos or sounds) but can cause sensory overload or difficulty grasping abstract concepts without concrete data, though it also fosters innovation by connecting details uniquely, often requiring therapies that address the body's sensory needs first. 

Key Characteristics & Examples

Detail-Oriented: Noticing a misplaced object, a slight change in tone, or a typo before recognizing the whole scene or context.

Sensory Focus: Processing raw sensory data (lights, sounds, textures) intensely, which can be overwhelming but also insightful.

Literal Interpretation: Processing language and situations very literally, as details must align before a concept forms.

Jigsaw Puzzle Analogy: Building understanding piece by piece (bottom-up) rather than seeing the box cover and filling in (top-down). 

How It Affects Neurodivergent People (e.g., Autism, ADHD)

Strengths: Excellent at spotting errors, discovering unexpected problems, deep focus on specific tasks, unique problem-solving, and noticing patterns others miss.

Challenges: Difficulty filtering irrelevant stimuli, potential sensory overload, struggling with abstract ideas until enough concrete examples are gathered, and slower integration of details into a coherent whole. 

Working with Bottom-Up Processing

Therapeutic Approaches: Somatic (body-focused) therapies, mindfulness, and trauma-informed care are effective, as they start with physical sensations and safety, bypassing potential verbal/cognitive blocks.

Practical Strategies: Reducing sensory input (headphones, quiet spaces), using visual schedules, and breaking down abstract tasks into concrete steps. 

In neurodivergent contexts, particularly within the Autistic and ADHD communities, bottom-up processing is a cognitive style where the brain prioritizes raw sensory data and specific details before constructing a "big picture" or general concept. 

Core Mechanism

Data-Driven: Information is gathered through the senses—from the smallest pieces upward—rather than being filtered through pre-existing expectations or schemas.

Neurological Basis: Research indicates that autistic brains often show greater bottom-up signaling (sensory input) compared to the top-down (predictive) flow found in neurotypical brains.

Filter Sensitivity: While neurotypical brains "top-down" filter out irrelevant stimuli (like a ticking clock), neurodivergent brains may process all incoming data with equal significance, often leading to sensory overwhelm. 

Manifestations by Neurotype

Autism: Often involves a "puzzle-piece" approach to learning. An individual may need to understand every detail of a system (e.g., how every part of a machine works) before they can grasp its overall purpose.

ADHD: Can manifest as "bottom-up doing," where the brain responds to immediate, high-dopamine stimuli or novel details without first mapping out a long-term plan. 

Strengths and ChallengesFeature Impact of Bottom-Up ProcessingStrengthsExceptional pattern recognition, high accuracy, "outside-the-box" creative problem solving, and intense attention to detail.ChallengesSlower processing speed (due to high data volume), difficulty with vague instructions, and high susceptibility to sensory overload or burnout.

Accommodations for Bottom-Up Thinkers

Be Specific: Provide concrete, step-by-step instructions rather than broad "big picture" goals.

Allow Processing Time: Use the "10-second rule"—give at least 10 seconds of silence after a prompt to allow the individual to synthesize details into a response.

Use Visuals: Support abstract concepts with tangible, visual examples or diagrams to help link details to meaning.

Where should I start?

Hurricane Laura was on was August 2, 2020, and Hurricane Delta was on October 9, 2020.

I remember Laura. I remember the stubbornness of my mom to stay.

Delta I remember nothing.

I asked Adam about Delta since I remember nothing, and he said that's when his mom (I call her Mrs. Dianna), him, our two kids and I went to Arkansas for three days then came back.

By this point I was working at CPSO (Calcasieu Parish Sheriff's Office in Lake Charles, LA) going on 13 years.

My start and end dates for CPSO are September 17, 2007 - November 1, 2020.

I am now trying to get my old job back after five years, once we move back.

Before the hurricanes, I was stressed out, a lot.

I was in denial about being bisexual, keeping a babysitter, and the pressure to keep everyone happy and together.

My mind felt like it was going to explode because there was always so much I wanted to say, but didn't.

Then hurricane Laura hit.

Changed everything.

I stayed at my sisters in Duson, la but didn't like being separated from Adam.

Before that mom was stubborn refused to leave so we stayed with her at her house.

We lived in Ragley, la on adams brother Eric family property. It was a old double wide mobile home. The property was 10 acres.

Some back story, Aj, my oldest son, passed away in my arms in Gillis, la in a small house. After that I couldn't stay. I became claustrophobic and small living spaces and needed room to grieve and heal.

I regret staying. If I could change that decision I would and pushed harder to leave.

My kids still get scared of bad weather, I know they unconsciously and unknowingly remember the sounds.

I made more mistakes when I left my mom and kids at her house with no electricity to check on our houses. We also checked on a few others.

I mistakenly relied on my mom to call me to immediately come back, but that phone call never came.

We were go what seems a few hours. I own my mistake and have never relied on anyone since with my kids.

Instead, Joe called me when we were finally heading back.

He talked like he was my dad, correcting me like a child. I have not spoken to him since.

I broke down with this conversation. I called my mom. From my memory I questioned her why she called Joe in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma instead of me.

She said something like they happened to call, and she was just talking.

Denise, my sister, came from Duson, LA, and got mom.

I don't remember how I managed from this situation to staying at her house. I just remember it didn't last long because I couldn't stand the though of being separated from Adam for to long.

From there, I walked away. I hadn't wrote anything in years at this point. I was bottled and pinned up with a lot of emotions. There is only so much talking I can do with Adam. He means well, and has saved my life.

I was done. They wanted me to help with mom. Mom stayed a long time at Denise's. Joe even moved in for a time before moving back to Oklahoma. This was before Tony moved back from my understanding.

I blocked then for many months in the beginning.

I needed a break.

We left Louisiana in November 2020 since Adam had a better job opportunity in Galveston, tx.

After hurricane Laura we were homeless since the mobile home ceiling was failing in.

We stayed in Adams brother mikes living room with his family. His mom (Mrs. Dianna) lives with Mike.

It's was hard, kids were babies, and my family didn't or couldn't help due to my mom's house.

I am sure I could have stayed at my sister's, but the thought of separation from Adam was too much for me mentally.

I am stronger now. I now know when to stick up for myself, and to stand my ground so to say.

For a time after the hurricane Denise and I did talk and make up, but then Michael Scott died. We haven't talked since.

I regret not going to the funeral, not saying I needed a ride. No one asked though, and I was in Texas city, tx; they were in I'm assuming Duson, la. We are all from Westlake, la but that's not were he was since he was trying to stay clean.

I wish I could have kept my career at CPSO then, but there was no right answer and we had two healthy kids to think about. We couldn't help my mom, we didn't have the time nor resources to.

What are three things that allow me to feel hopeful? How do these things instill hope?

Feeling optimistic 😀

One. My kids

Two. My husband

Three. Moving back to lousiana where we are from.

My kids - they keep me going forward. I have to get better to be there for them.

My husband - he is always there for me. He does more then he needs to, and knows when i am not feeling well.

What is something I need to let go of? Why am I holding on to it?

Feeling anxious 😟

The only grandmother I knew died my senior year of high school in 2002.

My paw paw (actually my Uncle Art, one of my dads older brothers, my dad was the youngest of 8 siblings.) passed in 2006.

My father-in-law passed from cancer in 2013.

My oldest son passed in 2014 from a genetic disorder.

My dad passed in 2016 from cancer.

A close ex-co-worker Mrs. Linda, passed 2025. I was in Texas unable to go since they were in Louisiana.

I have had some cousins also pass over the years.

My cousin Mike ( one of my paw paw Arts sons) passed from a heart attack on a Boy Scouts trip to Canada in 2014.

My cousin Chrisy passed from breast cancer in 2020 ( one of my paw paw's daughters).

My cousin Pat passed from a heart attack in 2017.

Only kids living still of my Pawpaw Arts are Cathy and Greg.

My Aunt Lil (one of my dads and paw paw Arts sisters) passed in January 2025. A year ago now. I didn't know till months late due to her being back home in Minnesota at the age of 89. I live in Texas and am from Louisiana.

The only one living out of my dad and his siblings (8 altogether that I know of) is one sister and she's 84/85 now in Minnesota.

My dad's a full Yankee from Minnesota and my mom's a full Cajun from Lake Arthur Louisiana.

My oldest nephew Michael Scott ( My sisters only son) passed in 2022 due to a unknown head injury from a car accident some time before. He was finally sober and getting his life together. He was only 32 years old.

I am the youngest of four with 10 year age gaps. I am 42 years old right now.

My dad yelled a lot in disagreements. My mom fussed and always gave me are you crazy eyes.

My mom was always concerned and worried, but got annoyed when I asked for help.

My dad once told me when I asked why she doesn't call me, why does it always have to me be me calling. He said mom is the way she is nothing we can do. That's what I had interpreted.

I will never forget that because she can so easily call my sister everyday. I am different though and can go weeks without calling her because I have to call her 90% of the time. Unlike my siblings.

I can remember when I was in middle school going home to physical fights between my brothers, and my dad get in the middle. Then my oldest brother getting kicked out. My oldest brother ended up getting thrown out twice growing up. He is the one now that lives with my mom. My mom can't wait for him to move out with his son. He has no job and is supposedly writing a book, but Mom says he depends on Jacob's money while trying to get it released. Who knows what's true.

My sisters two kids were like my little sister, and brother, I felt like I helped them grow up. I felt like I protected them from the screaming. They are closeser in age to me then my own siblings.

My sisters son has passed now, and I haven't talked to her daughter since sometime in 2020.

It's strange now though, looking back at my two kids baptism, the only family members from my side to go where my mom oldest brother and his son.

One thing I have to give my side credit for is all of them, except my brother Joe, encouraged me to write at least in a diary, even when I was really young. Me and Joe hardly ever talked. We were never as close as I always thought we were looking back now. I was never close with Joe.

My husband Adam got me to open up. He broke through my walls. Even ones I didn't know where there.

Sometimes being there for someone and spending time with them doesn't involve money. Instead it simply means just being present in that persons life at that moment.