Gotta move the fuckin mountains

Toda a vez, tanta vez Estraga o dia, atrasa a entrega à vida. Basta puxarem a gaveta errada, tenho de correr ao comprimido. A ansiedade não espera, e eu não tenho mais tempo.

Bora, mais umas horas ou dias a ignorar o social. Tento que o isolamento salve o que já está estragado. Mas só ouço um disco riscado. Para silenciar o que me estraga, tinha que me silenciar de vez.

Mesmo assim, saltar fora, traz esperança Esperança que esqueça o agora Que a roda rode e traga o bom que desceu, ao de cima de novo.

Não sei para o que fui feita Mas sei que aprendi o impossível Respirar debaixo de água enquanto afundo…

The very most important thing that people seem to forget about very sensitive and emotional people, is that, the very act of making them seem different from everybody else, difficult to deal with, walk on eggshells around them so you don’t say anything that might make them break… those actions are exactly what sends healthy intense emotional and sensitive people into stuck depression. People like this, deeply need connection just like anybody else, and those actions send the message that them being themselves, is wrong… not accepted..not the normal thing…therefore not loved, not for what they truly are or are feeling…

Maybe we have something to say with our emotions, maybe our way to communicate says something about other’s people behavior…maybe is a natural part of human beings that tends more and more to be neglected, even in modern times, because it’s bothersome, boring, too much, too dramatic, uncalled for, unfair, childish, unnecessary… 

I always say nowadays, “I’m getting tired of people”, while I know that true connections saves me, from myself and from decaying my health more. 

My strongest villain right now is the fear of what others think of me, and this is all because, people that I care about, are afraid to talk to me, and it becomes visible sometimes, I can see in their faces, how they have things on their minds, but prefer not to say, because don’t want to get in trouble… how lonesome I feel in those moments…

But what hurts the most is that when you cry or have an outburst you feel more like yourself, yet, people that love you try no to say anything anymore or try to stop this motion, believing it’s for my own good. If anything they say makes me cry or react in any way, somehow in their eyes, is bad for me… I don’t believe so… people don’t give me many chances to test my opposing theory anyway…

In my core I was always a positive child and teenager, I know from my old diaries. So naive, and always believing in people, always giving them second chances, time and time again. I haven’t changed, the difference is that life showed me how my extended hand ready to help got scared, bruised and almost cut off for good, when I did the same I always did to the people that didn't deserve that help. I’m sure it was useful for them, some points for me in that aspect I guess, just means I did a good job on helping, but along the way, I feel like I almost lost my both hands and feet. Can’t move forward, can’t go back, can’t feel who I love, can’t reach my goals.

I think “adulthood” only has meaning for society alone, because for ourselves, we stay teenagers untill we get to be childs again when we are old. Teenagers playing grownups, nobody really knowing what they are doing. Somehow thinking that way is funny to me. Imagining the world around me like that, helps me breath a little, beneath all the destructions, wars, climate chances telling me constantly that there is no future for me our my possible future family and kids…

some of you are reading this and thinking “this is too much”... well it is…but it would be easier if we could share more between each other…our fears and insecurities…are part of us, yet they are treated like a neglected child.

I dream I can wake up hopeful, maybe a little bit faithfull? My arms with ripped off hands are extending in pain searching for people that are not afraid to touch it, not afraid of my history, or my feelings, because, that’s all they are… how hurt can you get, if you truly love me? Or is it that you are afraid to get yourself hurt?

There is no power in pain, but pain can turn to hope, because we that feel it more than others, show we survived it, and then the hope becomes the power. Not pain. Yet pain is part of the process, and the better we accept it the stronger we are, but showing that to others, somehow is uncomfortable. That is where the hope dies. You being an empathic person, you know in your being, that none of it makes sense if people you love don’t believe in what you are trying to process and achieve. Not because you are influenced, but because you believe there is no gratification on reaching the highest point if there is no one there with you to share.

Today, is different. After 2 weeks of feeling unstoppable, I feel like I’m taking a few steps back, and I don’t know how to stop this... I don’t even know why or how it started.

Am I feeling stuck again? How? I cut my hair short and painted it blue, I stopped talking to people that are not good for me, I bought my own beautiful skate rollers, I practiced roller skating, meditating, drum classes, dancing classes, I got skinnier and feel sexier than ever, I take care of my nails and skin now, I have to do lists and every day I accomplish something knew, no matter how small the task, I felt for a few moments motivated to draw my stuff again, I adopted a dog, I take care of the dog, she sleeps in my bed, I have been seeing important friends and making those times memorable, I was finally excited watching a movie after 2 years, for 17 days straight I barely cried, even thought I had all the reasons to, I didn’t feel anger (besides the moment I talked with my therapist)….

Basically I am not resolved but somehow I still go on. By not lifting a finger to face the disappointment and sadness that I will eventually go through, I felt like I was doing everything to become strong just for that moment.

But today is…. today, there is something in my way, and I feel like I am under a bridge waiting for an unstoppable rain to finally stop, but it’s not stopping, so I feel the frustration of time, time wasted while afraid of the rain. It’s just rain, it won’t kill me and I know for fact that after I get wet I will eventually, 100%, get dry, because that’s what you do, what every animal on earth does. So why am I so afraid? After all this work…

I’m just one in billions of billions of humans going through something so trivial, so invisible, but so vivid to me, makes me feel insane. Makes me feel that we are definitely not meant to be alone, but alone we will always be, with our thoughts, fears and memories that are unique to me. The desperation to share something so impossibly inexplicable, will lead me to madness. I must confine within myself all of it, and it’s fine if nobody is there every day to hear me or keep me warm, it wouldn’t be that way either way, because that’s not how people work. Not in reality no.

I want to pretend that time can extend itself

Or maybe for a few moments pretend neither I or time exist

Like a life pause.

Uh, yeah…. that’s a dream right there

Life Pause. Nothing grows, nothing dies, nothing is born, nothing changes. In this little bubble of mine

Tiredness, and emptiness is good… means I stop right here, and everything can explode, I’ll still be here, empty, with no brain or feelings to hurt me. My real enemy…my own mind.

The true friends that stay, accept me broken…but only one or two help put my pieces back together.

I carried heavy pieces for others so many times, I turned into a game character that seeks revenge every time. So now I can even let some pieces of others break before me, with me doing nothing, it almost gives me pleasure, or at least reassurance like “Ah, see? You get a little hurt, but it’s okay right? It’s fine, I’m not that important, you don’t really need me, after all, what can I give, now that I gave everything to everyone else…”

So I just say sorry…and everything stays the same.

Too close.

You can confuse the 2.

But one thing is certain, if you don't bring hapiness into my world, there's no sense in either loving or hating you.

People open doors to you and you close them shut because of your ego or stupid beliefs, while others are only caring on being happy with what they can have or give and trying to help in anyway they can.

If even that you are rejecting, than you are not deserving of such love or pacience. Self centred bastard.

GOOD LUCK DIGGIN OUT OF MUD, I'AM ALREADY AT THE SURFACE AFTER ALMOST DROWNING BECAUSE OF YOU.

Dear people that live in illusion, imagination , past or future

They lied to us.

That light at the end of the tunel isnt our dreams or hapiness, that light means blindness and death to reality.

my oversized imagination,

joined with my ghosts, regrets, emptiness, loneliness, brio,

aspiration to things way bigger than me,

passion and compromise in everything I do,

my unfortunate capability to absorb everyone’s energy,

also my enormous fear of change and incapability to trust people,

fear of losing things dear to me with no warning

and the terrible fear of losing my memory doo to too much stress. My biggest enemy is my mind so this war is one like no other in the world, moving this mountain, even an inch, is one step forward to vanquish this mind.

Any help is welcome, but I know this war is mine alone to take.

Big or small you exist, strong or fragile you exist, hiperactive or slug you exist, inteligent or dumb you exist, creative or pratical you exist.

Good or bad you exist, important or insignificant you exist…

So what does it mean? Being bad is just has meaningful as being good? Do we need all sides? Who’s we? Humans? Or every living species in the world?

Does it really only matter to us humans the mere fact that we exist? I think not, because if it was so, animals wouldn’t find ways to defend themselves or even find food to survive. They also believe in existence, but not with their minds, but their bodies and instinct. Why don’t we do the same?

“Oh because if we were just like animals, without civilization, not even half of us would had survived. “ So now that there’s more of us, is it better? it it better for us? Is it better for animals and nature, therefore us?

You see existence is on one self, but it also comes in packs or groups. So do we live for others or for us? Or for others therefore us? Does it matter?

Every living being counts. Call it butterfly effect or whatever. But this knowledge is not so you feel important. No, on the contrary. Big and important beings do not exist without the small, and the small are an old version of the big, therefore one does not exist without the other.

If we were all big, there would be no room for everything we can accomplish, therefore small is as important.

Sometimes I’m seen But soon forgotten Sometimes I make people laugh And soon gets boring Sometimes I rescue And right after get lost at sea

How to be posisitive about this?

Maybe I start not giving a fuck anymore and that at least gives me peace. I don’t need to explain myself, either people truly care, or not.