stumbled upon an old photography project where i documented a mental health crisis after finding out my mother refused to pay for my college tuition anymore. i had made the mistake of telling her i was suicidal & she pulled financial support for art school among other various punishments. some more physical than others. i was forced to go to the hospital. it was my first time trying outpatient because the inpatient beds were too full. this was 14 yrs ago. i was 18 years old. i was just a teen, hurting from the loss of their dad & unable to escape the years of maternal abuse that happened after he died.
i just want to take past-me & give them a really big hug because it was not their fault. none of that was their fault. they should have had a safe place to express their feelings without severe punishment & neglect. they shouldn’t have had to learn to be a doormat just to survive. i think about how abuse is connected, how one abuser can lead to the next. i got into a 7 years long relationship full of domestic violence, because that’s exactly the kind of “love” i was used to. it was only after i left him for good that i realized it was all connected. i was so used to abuse from my mother that i didn’t notice the red flags with my partner. to me they were what i was already used to, what i already knew. but i know better now. i know so much better now.
