I Think I’m Whimsical

One of the most weirdly humbling things is failing a suicide attempt.

I mean… you feel like you’re failing in life- or life is failing you- so badly that you don’t want to deal with it any more. But then life kind of says “hey, fuck you, we’re not done here yet”.

I woke up in the morning on a day I truly thought that I wouldn’t ever see, and I had to throw away my suicide note.

I crumpled it up and threw it in the neighbor’s trash outside so no one would read it, because the only thing worse than failing a suicide attempt was, in my mind at least, someone knowing that I had failed.

At that point in my life, I thought I didn’t deserve to live. But, evidently, I didn’t deserve to die either. I felt like I was trapped in some sort of hellish purgatory.

it has been 48 hours since i moved to tumblr fully and deleted reddit. on at least 15 (counted) separate occasions my mind has mindlessly swiped through my phone trying to find the app, and deleting it kinda made me realise how addictive it really was.

moving from a social media that is like. super impersonal and hivemind-y to tumblr of all things is kind of a jump. like on reddit unless you get r/rimjob_steve'd your username is never mentioned. getting a Reputation is basically unheard of. you interact not with the author of the post, but with the post itself, and with those who may stumble along. you go to a subreddit and you get content exclusively about that topic. there are self proclaimed experts everywhere. it's all a gamee to maximise upvotes, and by far it is the best place to get information about niche things that you are interested in. just a pure constant stream of info, impersonal, like a machine.

tumblr is real funny because you browse between a Serious 2 Thousand Word Analysis on the Current Societal Behaviours to a meme about frogs; from a essay with heart and soul poured in to someone making a one-word joke. You are responsible for your dashboard, not anyone else. and more importantly -

I am a person. like it sounds stupid to say this but on reddit i am a Viewer of content. I see the content, i pass my judgement in the form of an upvote and downvote, leave a comment perhaps, engage or ask for information. Nothing about the people i interact with, nothing about me. just the Topic at hand. here, these are People I am talking with, which is kinda funny. i guess i forgot rule 1 of the internet: to remember the person. and tumblr has reminded me of that.