Unbetitelt

I always say HatredPlayer comic next but motivation goes wheeeee

I thought this would be funny haha

*connecting ping*

Dick: Hood, please tell me you're available right now.

Jason: uh, hey, yeah i'm just puttin' fuel in my bike, all clear. are you ok? i thought you were off duty tonight.

Dick, struggling to hold back laughter: no no, i'm not on patrol and this isn't an emergency. i just got off the phone with B and needed to tell you what he just told me.

*a beat*

Jason: holy fuck what did the kids do?

Dick: *high pitched giggles*

Jason, already amused: which- which one was it? or did they team up?

Dick: *attempts to tamp down laughter* ok, ok hold on... *deep breath* you need to- Jason this one's really good, you need to prepare yourself.

Jason: i'm ready, give it to me.

Dick: so, Bruce just called me on my mobile phone, while i was in the middle of shopping for groceries, very angrily, so he could tell me that our two youngest brothers, our darling Duke and magnificent Damian, have gotten themselves banned from the Watchtower.

Jason, snickering: okaay? B bans them from everything all the time, it doesn't mean anything.

Dick, gleeful: no no, Jason you aren't understanding me here. when i say they're banned from the Watchtower, i don't mean Bruce grounded them for a week; i mean- *slight wheeze* i mean Clarkothy Kenneth himself has pulled Bruce aside and told him that Signal and Robin are no longer allowed on the premises,

Jason: *starts laughing, steadily increasing in volume*

Dick: -because they- *loud wheeze* *high-pitched* because they have proven themselves to be a danger to the Justice League.

Jason: *uncontrollable wheezes* what did they- what did they do?!

Dick: B said that- *cackling* *deep breath* B said that Barry used his super speed to win a- a thumb war, against Duke. and afterwards he said 'better luck next time, squirt', and i guess-

Jason: *wheeze*

Dick: -yeah i guess Duke was already in a bad mood, and he didn't appreciate the condescending nature of the whole thing?

Jason: to be fair Barry can be- like he's the asshole uncle.

Dick: oh for sure. and he does it with Damian a lot, which i get why- it's understandable that seeing him do the same shit to Duke made Damian go like- ok well here's my chance to gain an ally.

Jason: in his- *wheeze* in his war against the Flash,

Dick: exac- *choking wheezes*

Jason, high-pitched, slightly muffled: so what- what did they do?

Dick: Bruce said- Bruce said they lured him into one of the outer rooms- *choking* they tried to- they tried to ej- *wheeze*

Jason, barely breathing: w-hat?

Dick, weeping: they tried to- they tried to eject him into space-, *broken wheezes*

Jason: *barely breathing* THEY- *silent gasps*

*silence for fifteen seconds, except for the sound of both men struggling to breathe through laughter*

Dick: n he- *whimper* Barry had to call Clark for help because they locked him in and then tried to open a fuckin' window; Duke said they wouldn't let him in again unless he won another thumb war, and when Barry said 'how am i supposed to do that if i can't reach your hand?' *cough* Damian- Damian went 'better luck next time squirt' and tried to decompress the chamber-!

Jason: i can't- *struggling to breathe* i can't-

Dick: *unintelligible weeping*

Jason: what is wrong with them?

Dick: i'm so mad we weren't that funny when we were their age,

Jason: like how do you even come up with that-?!

Dick, still giggling: they tried to kill the Flash, Jason. Bruce said he cried.

he decides he wants the fear factor back and in all his brilliant genius, he decides the best way to go about that is to invite the league round for a fancy dinner party, specifically so he can use all his ‘brucie wayne’ acting skills to channel the essence of every creepy-rich-guy-in-haunted-manor movie he has ever seen in his life. it is the only time his kids have been fully onboard and willing to contribute to one of his plans without any complaints. they almost seemed more eager to pull it off than he was.

they spend the entire day making the manor look old and slightly abandoned, much to Alfred’s displeasure, and ensure that the only lighting is a fuck ton of candles, just enough to light the halls while leaving the corners and edges shadowy and ominous. Damian is allowed to have some of his more ‘skittery’ pets roam the manor freely for the night, causing occasional scritches and scratches to come from the ceilings. all of the kids dress in their best funeral attire, apart from Jason who gleefully pulls on an old white shirt stained with blood from when Tim crashed through his window with a stab wound, requesting a medkit.

when the league arrive they’re greeted by all the kids lined up on the staircase, staring at them blankly and ominously, while Bruce gives them all a large grin and ushers them into the creepy looking dining room. the league are somewhat nervous.

during the dinner the kids act completely different than the league have seen them in-mask. polite, cordial, and refusing to show an ounce of emotion. they pick at their food and only speak in vague sentences that refer to various horrific events of their past. Bruce has never been prouder.

the first close call they have to breaking character is when Bruce presents a bottle of red wine without any kind of label. as he pours a slightly disturbed Diana a glass, she asks where he got it from. Bruce happily gestures to Jason as says ‘my second eldest procured it especially for you, earlier today.’

Diana looks across the table at where Jason is grinning eerily at her by candlelight, still visibly stained with blood, eyes glowing slightly green. she pales, and Tim knows he can’t watch her shakily lift the glass to her lips without bursting out laughing. he refuses to be the one who fucks up first, so he dramatically stands up and declares he must ‘go feed the experiments’ before storming out the room. ‘the experiments’ are in reference to the pen of rabbits outside that glow in the dark because Damian rescued them from a testing facility, but given the environmental context it sounds much more sinister.

Jason joins him by the pen to also start wheeze-crying in private about 20 minutes later, because apparently after Oliver Queen had finished with his bbq rib, Damian had leaned over and without blinking stared into his eyes to blankly state ‘i would love to feed your bones to my animal friends, if you don’t need them anymore.’ and from the other end of the table Jason had snorted wine up his nose from how hard he was trying not to break.

amazingly, they never break character, although it came pretty close when after hearing another skitter from somewhere above, Stephanie climbed up from the table into the crystal chandelier and deftly returned to present the table with a large tarantula cradled in her hands, to which Damian stood up and declared, ‘ah, dessert! i will help pennyworth prepare it.’ before taking the animal and leaving to put his beloved spider back in it’s enclosure. the league genuinely seemed to be under the impression they were about to be served a tarantula-based desert, and upon seeing their faces at this realisation Dick had to pretend he’d dropped a fork on the ground so he could duck by Bruce’s chair and stuff a napkin in his mouth while he got his laughter under control. Bruce pats his shaking son’s back below the table cloth, determinedly staring at their guests with that same creepy-grin he’d kept up the entire night.

every member of the league makes their excuses to leave early, much to Bruce’s exaggerated disappointment. the second the last of them is out the door Alfred turns to face the family and says ‘mission accomplished. now get this manor back to it’s proper state.’ and they have the spend the rest of the night cleaning.

Guards! Put the blond man in spandex in situations!

Jason finds out Tim was turned into Joker Junior and was, in essence, Joker's adopted son for a while, and his first instinctual thought is 'alright well that kid has to be mine now.'

like, i don't think a lot of us take into account regarding the Joker that Jason isn't always just... terrified of everything Joker-centric. he straight up stole the Red Hood mantle from the guy. he loves jokerized seasoning on his fries. when he first came back to Gotham to kill the Joker he just kinda nabbed him and threw him in a closet all tied up for a while so he could go antagonise Bruce. like, Jason doesn't give a fuck. it's not always fear that fuels his rage against the Joker, it's fuckin' spite.

with that in mind, i think it would be funnier if Jason found out that Joker tried to make Tim into his son and instantly responded with 'ok well fuck the Joker, Tim is now MY son.' and Bruce just has to watch forlorn from the batcomputer as his kid is stolen by his other kid like. at least they aren't fighting this time?

i think Tim was supremely worried about Jason's reaction to Joker Junior stuff, too. like. he fully thought he'd spark a panic attack or get himself killed once Jason found out. instead he accidentally lets out a Joker-laugh one time and Jason's just like fuck yeah kid let it out.

he figures out he's gonna Keep Coming Back no matter what when Alfred asks him to help clean the roof and while alone scrubbing out gutters he fucks up and falls off the ladder; completely snaps his neck.

he wakes up like twenty minutes later all healed and instead of freaking out, he decides that he's been through so much shit and his life is already so goddamn weird that honestly? so what if he can't die.

still concerns the fuck out of the rest of the family when jason wanders in a few hours later rubbing out the crick in his neck and when bruce asks how the roof went he goes "yeah, gutters clean. also i think i fixed death?"

"...jason what could that possibly mean." dick asks from across the room. jason shrugs.

"I dunno. fixed it."

he continues to make vague-ass uncaring comments that baffle the fuck out of everybody for the next few weeks, and they don't figure out what the hell he's talking about until one patrol they get into one of those tricky 'locked in a room and have to pick one of you to die' situations and jason just whistles, goes "man this would suck if i hadn't already fixed death," and then proceeds to shoot himself in the face in front of all the horrified bats.

he wakes up fifteen minutes later to bruce and dick having a shared panic attack on the floor, tim desperately trying to calm them down, and damian standing over him looking supremely disappointed as he goes "fucking 'fixed death' todd?? that's the only way you could think of phrasing it? i thought your special interest was fucking literacy."

*heavy rain downpour*

Damian: -my point is, gothamites are completely delusional when it comes to their pride in being from Gotham. you weirdos are way too smug about being from this shithole of a city and it comes off like that arrogant family with no shame that thought being from the south effected their personality.

Dick, confused: ...arrogant family from the south?

Jason: no shame-? do you fucking mean the family from the TV show Shameless? set on the south side of Chigaco?

Damian: yes.

Dick: *wheeze* arrogant family with no shame from the south-!

Jason: who the fuck let this child watch Shameless!? that show is so inappropriate! Robin, what the fuck?!

Damian, dry: Red Robin watches it while i'm in the room. and how can watching anything on that ridiculous television show be worse than what i witness on a nightly basis as Robin?

*pause*

Jason: ...alright fine but i'm still pissed at Red. that fucker's supposed to be a responsible uncle to you.

Dick: did you just say 'uncle'?

Jason, cutting him off: fucking- *frustrated* OK. i cannot see in this fuckass rain, i swear to god i'm going to install a windshield wiper onto the front of this helmet.

Damian: *hum* yes, Nightwing and I have been ducked under a restaurant overhang for the past ten minutes waiting for the worst to subside. a waiter brought us a bread basket.

*water splashing*

Jason: see, Batman didn't offer any of us any fucking consolation bread. he just looked at the weather report and went 'huh, neat, how about that', and then pointed us in the direction of our suits and fucked off to go do his indoor stakeout.

Damian, mournfully: i wish i was as pathetic as Red Robin. then maybe i could break a leg every now and then and get out of patrolling in bad weather...

Dick: are we not going to go back to Hood calling Red Robin your-

Jason: *yelp* *harsh smack* *metal clang* FUCK.

*a beat, Jason groaning lowly*

Damian, solemnly: man down.

Jason: this fucking rain makes these stupid fucking fire escapes so FUCKING slippery,

Dick: are you hurt? do you need us to come help with anything?

Damian: Nightwing, i understand you care for your brother, but please do not make me go back out into the wet to help him. i have a backup dad, it's fine if we lose this one to the elements.

Jason: ok seriously fuck you Damian-,

Dick, exasperated: -wHAT DO YOU MEAN, BACKUP DAD? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Jason, dead serious: kid let me tell you, if he snitches to B about this, i will kill myself in front of you.

Dick: ok- one, you two really need to stop talking about us all like we aren't in front of you when we are. two; how dare you. i have never snitched to B on anything in my life. that's the first rule in the batkid code and i wrote that damn manual.

*a beat of quiet*

*pattering of rain*

Damian: *loud crunch of a breadstick*

Jason: alright. at least i'm already laying down for it.

Damian, judgemental: you haven't gotten up yet-?

Dick: what is it?

Damian: ...the Red Hood is my Father.

*a beat*

Dick: aha, no.

Jason: *snort* *airily* ah, the first stage of grief.

Dick: you two lie all the time, this is just sloppy. plus, you've already lied to B about being Robin's dad, so. you can't recycle old shit.

Jason: mhm, mhm, mhm, and i usually would agree with you wing-ding m'boy, i would... except i never lied about being Robin's father. i just lied about sleeping with Talia to freak B out and piss her off.

Damian: yes... and while that was a lie, the fact that Hood is of biological paternal relation to me is entirely truthful. that's why Batman's blood tests came up as positive. they both, technically, are direct ancestors to me and thus contributory to my development.

Jason: you know you don't have to use that many scientific words, you can just say you have my eyes.

Damian: it is the result of the biological experimentation that occurred around my birth and throughout my early childhood, Nightwing. we are not lying.

*silence*

*more silence*

Damian: Hood. he's just staring at me. what do i do.

Jason, whining: man, we should have waited until later when we met up, i wanted to see this!

*distant mew*

Jason: oh fuck, a cat. *cat impression* mrow,

Dick: you... Robin... *stage-whispering, audibly tearful* are you- are you saying you're my biological nephew?

Damian: w-

*abrupt pause*

Damian: um.

Damian: i mean- i mean no,

Jason, baffled: -dude you know me and you aren't related, right?

Dick: so you- so you have two dads?! Batman and Red Hood?!

Damian: yes. and please keep saying that exact sentence in public because the misleading wording will no doubt lead to some wonderful civilian speculation.

Jason: hold on- no, no no NO, no public anything--B still doesn't know and he will continue to not know, because i am not fucking dealing with that man attempting to co-parent with me. i'll stick with being the undercover secret dad that acts like a brother 90% of the time, thank you very much.

*silence*

Damian: he is still staring at me.

Dick, whispering: i'm just- oh my god you're my baby brother and my nephew. oh my god.

Damian: you understand this changes nothing about our relationship in any way, right?

Dick: can i be godfather?

Damian: what.

Jason: mmm, i think you have to arm wrestle Tim for it? i dunno, i haven't put anything about it in my will yet.

Damian: what- Hood!

Jason: hey, if i die i need to know that i'm not leaving you with just B, habibi. i need to have a backup secret-dad in place for you.

Damian: what is wrong with this family-

Dick, in awe: i have a nephew.

*faint bell chime, door swinging*

*inaudible mumbles*

Damian: oh, thank you. yes, the bread is delicious.

*more mumbles, slightly hesitant*

Damian: ...no, Nightwing is fine. i can assure you,

*more mumbles*

Damian: ...because he just remembered he's gluten free. actually- do you have an epipen?

Jason: *abrupt cackle*

Dick, snapping back to himself and dropping his voice by at least three octaves: Robin- stop trying to stab me with random needles.

Damian, defensive: it is a proven method of snapping somebody out of shock!

Dick: just because- *voice lowering, furious whispering* just because you're Hood's son doesn't mean you have to act like him!

Jason, observationally: i raised that boy so well.

*distant meow*

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 (league days) part 8 (league days) part 9 part 10 part 11 part 12 (league days) part 13 part 14 part 15 part 16 part 17 part 18 part 19 part 20 part 21 (league days) part 22 part 23 part 24 (league days) part 25 part 26 part 27 part 28 part 29 part 30

part 31 part 32 part 33 part 34 part 35 part 36 (league days) (part 1) part 37 (league days) (part 2) part 38 part 39 (part 1) part 40 (part 2) part 41 part 42 part 43 part 44 part 45 part 46 part 47 part 48 part 49 part 50 part 51 part 52 part 53 part 54 part 55 part 56 part 57 part 58 part 59 part 60 (part 1)

Dick: -A GROUP OF FUCKING DETECTIVES AND YOU CAN'T GET THIS?!

Alfred: *abruptly pausing in where he's bringing in groceries through the side door*

Damian: i told you,

Jason: WHATTDYA MEAN? WE'RE DOING GREAT, I'M TOTALLY RIGHT.

Tim: oh you are fucking not,

Alfred: *cautiously makes his way towards the sounds, comes to the doorway of the library*

Dick, marker in hand, angrily gesturing to the whiteboard at his side: it's a fucking game of Pictionary Jason, whether you're right or not isn't up for debate when I TELL YOU THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M DRAWING.

Alfred: *squints at the whiteboard, where a childish drawing of a flower next to a frying pan resides*

Jason: s' a tennis racket.

Dick: NO.

Tim: a... bowl, with-

Jason: where the fuck are you seeing a bowl?

Tim, defensive: he's a bad artist, i'm trying my best!

Dick: i'm going to kill myself.

Jason: keep drawing asshole.

Dick: I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH CLEARER- for fucks sake-

Dick: *angrily starts drawing a rectangle*

Tim, firmly: a bowl and a tray.

Damian: *snort*

Dick: *hissing* i'm still drawing; don't guess while i'm still drawing.

Jason: badminton.

Dick: WHAT DID I JUST SAY.

Tim, turning to Damian: are you gonna guess?

Damian: oh i stole the card and read the answer fifteen minutes ago, i'm not ruining this on your life.

Jason, squinting intently: shuttlecock.

Dick, shaking: it's not. a sport.

Tim: because it's a fucking bowl.

Dick: NO.

Alfred, mystified: you've been playing this for fifteen minutes?

Dick: ALFRED THEY'RE FUCKING USELESS, HELP ME.

Tim: Alfred can you tell Dick he's drawn a bowl, please.

Jason, clicking his tongue and crossing his arms: ...i think that's a sugar wafer.

Dick: *glares at Jason with more contempt than Alfred has ever seen before in his life*

Alfred: ...if i may... to avoid bloodshed... i'm quite sure Master Dick has drawn a flower, a frying pan, and now a tower. i believe he is alluding to the Disney movie 'Tangled', am i correct?

Tim and Jason: *blink*

Dick: YES. YES. Y E S.

Damian: aw, you ruined it Pennyworth.

Tim: naw, that's a tray. i know what trays look like. s' a tray.

Dick, deadly serious: Timothy i will fucking kill you.

Alfred, folding laundry by himself: *humming softly*

Jason, walking by with his phone pressed to his ear: yeah- its gotta be hardcore though man, don't you pussy out on me. i wanna be fully knocked out, chloroformed and incapable of saving myself. this has to seem unplanned and violent to the max so i don't get yelled at.

Alfred: *slowly looks over at him*

Jason:, still on the phone: uh-huh- yeah, yea- i don't care if it's poison, as long as it doesn't kill me permanently then it's fine.

*notices Alfred and covers phone with his hand*

Jason, whispering: hey, psst! Alfie, do we have any more of those blueberry muffins you made?

Alfred, baffled, slightly concerned: ...i...believe there may be a few in the kitchen? if your brothers haven't polished them off in the night, that is.

Jason: perfect, thank you. *into the phone* yo, Eddie, you want me to bring you a muffin when we do this?

Alfred: *weighing the pros and cons of asking*

Alfred: ... *heavy sigh*

Alfred: who are you talking to?

Jason, glancing over again: hm? oh- just the Riddler.

Alfred:

Jason, unbothered: yeah B is trying to force me to attend some stupid benefit tonight and won't let me duck out, so i'm gonna get Riddler to show up and kidnap me before we go in.

Alfred, already resigned: didn't your father explicitly tell you all that faking kidnappings to get out of social events would go sorely punished from now on?

Jason, smugly holding up a finger: ah! you see, he said that about when we kidnap each other. nobody's had the balls to get a real rogue to do it, so he won't suspect i'm faking it. *into the phone, pointedly* not if Riddler mans-up and stops trying to treat me like i'm still Robin, anyway.

Alfred: ...and you think this is a safe idea? to hand yourself over to a criminal in such a manner?

Jason: meh. Nygma's always had a soft spot for us Robins, i'll be fine.

Alfred: and what makes you think i won't alert your father to these irresponsible plans?

Jason: *laughs loudly* yeah- yeah right, because you're a snitch, are you? c'mon Alfie, we know you better than that.

Jason: *continues to laugh as he leaves the room*

Alfred:

Alfred:

Red Hood: and I wish I was dead again..

Nightwing *looks at him*

Red Hood *preparing to be scolded*

Nightwing:

Red hood:

Nightwing:

Nightwing *quietly*: damn never mind forgot I had more siblings *walks away*

Red Hood:

--

Tim, in a interview, trying to explain Wayne stocks or sum idk: well, yk Wayne industries wouldn't have to pay for so many building repairs if fucking batman stopped throwing bane into buildings-

Interviewer: what was that, Mr drake?

Tim: what was what?

Interviewer: right. What do you think Mr Wayne?

Bruce: ...

Bruce: fuck batman.

--

Dick, being bombarded with paperazzi after a kidnapping: oh ffs couldn't batman save me from these snakes too.

Dick: I'm gonna fucking kill him.

Reporters: ???

--

Kid recording a tiktok: hey! Mr Todd! What do you say about the rumors that the Wayne's hate batman?

Jason: huh?

Kid recording, shoving the phone closer to jason: thoughts on batman?

Jason, leaning into to the mic: fuck batman.

--

Someone recording with shaky hands: *Duke Thomas walking out of a private gym, clearly having worked out and looking exhausted*

Duke: fuckass batman, I'm gonna beat his ass.

--

Street kid #2: hey batman! Have you heard what the Wayne's are saying these days?

Batman: *batman noise*

Street kid: do u have a message for Bruce Wayne?

Jason, just chilling in the batcave, working on his helmet /weapons/some other thing

tim: Jason

json, startled: Hu-WhA!?! when did you get here

tim: jason

jason: what?

tim: why did i have to find out through email notification that you updated that one superbat fanfic

Jason: ah yeah, after that stakeout i thought it would be funny to update it and say in the notes that i died and then got kidnapped into a assassins club and then i had become a crime lord

tim: ….. you werent really subtle with details so anyone that lives in gotham knows its redhood that wrote the fic

jason: shit really? damn my street cred is ruined

tim: what street cred? you ate shit last week tripping over nothing infrot of your goons