stop trying to make intimacy casual. intimacy will never be casual.

sometimes i have a dream that reveals such a humiliating desire i have that i genuinely lose a bit of respect for myself

The really unfortunate thing about mental health progress is that sometimes you realize you've made it in the form of "wow, I haven't felt this bad in a fucking while"

On the one hand it's a bit of a pick me up in a dark place to know that this will pass because it has passed before on the other hand sometimes it isn't entirely a pleasant thought to go "wow, I used to feel like this all the time. That was pretty fucking bad. It's pretty bad right now too also."

Someday your current baseline will be the sort of thing you consider A Really Bad Day. It does get better.

There's this guy in my apartment complex who's kind of weird and I've been fascinated by him every time I see him around I stop hold my breath and watch him and I do it so much that he isn't that weird to me anymore. So what first caught my eye is that he wears a doctorate graduation cap everywhere like those 8-sided wizardy hats. And then there's all the ancient Egyptian paraphernalia on his door and the walls around his door. Nobody's really decorating like that here. I haven't gotten close enough to read but there are some other pieces of paper with sort of declarations on them. I don't know. And I'm realizing when I watch him I'm kind of soaking in what it must be like to not feel like you owe people explanations. I hate explaining my interests and actions to people. I hate when people ask if I'm neurodivergent or whatever I hate when someone takes me out of My Moment because they want to clarify their experience of me. This wizard guy I can tell people don't do that to him, and maybe because they write him off immediately, which must have its own pain. I'm not even weird enough to feel this way like I don't indulge in my desires enough to feel so prickly about defending myself. Sisters I just uncovered something major....

I’m at the “we’ll see” stage in my life. With everything and everyone. We will see.