The Three Little Morons

As she listened, she began to doubt that Wheatley knew what he was doing, especially when heard the unpleasant sounds of him “hacking” the projector. Although as soon as he recommending she explain her backstory, she complied at doing her second best task. If talking might calm her artificial nerves, then she had to give it a shot. “Of course. My job is to guide test subjects to an isolated chamber in the event that testing safety protocol is compromised. These events may include, but are not limited to: rouge AI, rouge test subject, faulty test equipment, and/or apocalypse. That’s why I’m programmed with such an accurate map. I need to know the rou-” She was cut off by loud sparks that clipped the microphone on her end. Based on the projection, they appeared to be coming from somewhere behind her. She quickly turned around and clambered offscreen, towards the source of the sparks. 

Wheatley went back to nodding his core as he glided down the guidance rails through the facility. He was pretending to listen, which he thought was as good as listening, since he had troubles multitasking. Looking for a random lost AI and listen to what they were saying? That’s far too much for one little core!

As soon as the sparks showered the projection, Wheatley nearly jumped right off of his support arm. “AHHHHH!” For just a moment he thought the sparks were coming out of the nearby wall. Wheatley’s optical darts back to the projection, only to see the other AI run offscreen.

Caolta sighed. She hoped this “intelligence core” had enough information about facility’s map to know where she was. “I’m sorry to say that I am in the building and it is not ‘pretty great.’ That was the reason I sent out this message. Something, I don’t know what, has provided me with enough power to function, although I have no idea as to where in the building I am.” The bot began to show clear distress as she continued explaining her situation. “You see, my internal map is programmed to update automatically anytime the building is renewed, although something happened, and I was severely damaged sometime back, I don’t know how long. It erased much of my data and compromised my functioning, which is why I cannot see you now. It also significantly hindered my ability to travel as I used to. Without being able to reach anything to renew my power…” Caolta trailed off, hoping the rest was self-explanatory. She had a habit of rambling and going into great detail, and for once regretted this trait, knowing it would lose valuable time before her energy drained once again.

Wheatley’s core nodded up in down, squinting at the other AI’s projection in an attempt to look very serious and understanding. But as soon as the AI remarked that she could definitely not see him at all, Wheatley... ..continued with the act. It made him feel smarter, after all.

“Ah! Well then.. Have no fear, Wheatley is here~! Don’t you worry, luv, I’ll sort this whole mess out for ya. Just gotta get some data on where you’re located...” Wheatley scanned the projection, taking in the environment that Caolta was in. “Is that.. Is that carpet you’re standin’ on? Might explain why you’re havin’ all those troubles.. Mhm...” He knowingly nodded as he backed away from the projection.

“This won’t be a problem though, really! I’ll just maintain our connection while I travel to your location. Y’see? You won’t even have to move, I’ve got this all under control. You can count on little ol’ Wheatley. Let me jus’.. hack the projector here..”

The arm suspending Wheatley from his guidance rail eased up to the ceiling where the wireless projector unit was stashed. Studying it from all angles, Wheatley was deciding on his best way to hack into this fine piece of electronics. After much debate, he swiftly and cleverly started bashing the unit with his core until the projector landed on top of him.

“AHA! Perfect!” The other AI’s image flickered slightly with the damage the projector suffered from Wheatley’s clever hack job. “Alright then.. Shall we get going? Alright, alright.. Let’s see.. How about to calm your circuits, you jus’ tell me what you do know about yourself. If there’s one thing I know, is that talking sure is a fine way to calm yourself!” Not that this little chatterbot was an expert in talking a lot or anything.

“ I was built to make things go smoother down here, but I was built a short few years ago that’s probably why you don’t know me, w-“The ai glanced at the core analyzing his slightly saddened face feeling a pang of sympathy for the core "so what did you get assigned to do around here ?” She asked trying to change the subject.

“Oh... Well.. That must of been when I was in spa---aaatial technology wing. Yeh.. yeh.. The spatial technology wing. Top secret stuff, really. Wish I could tell you more about it.”

Now Wheatly never really thought of his time controlling the facility as “taking over” but really just a... big mistake. So as far as he was sure, he wasn’t lying when he said he wasn’t the one who took over! But it was a blatant lie that he was in some spatial technology wing. Not that he was going to admit that either.

“ sorry some of the turrets get stuck on the assembly line sometimes, but it’s very nice to meet you.” The ai replied with her optic resembling a smile.

“You’re not leaving then? Really?” Wheatley’s glowing cracked optical brightened as the other AI stayed to chat. It was a miracle, and a long story, on how he even made it back to Aperture, but it didn’t mean life was much more social than it was in space.

Upon hearing a response, the bot had quickly backed up, then slowly crawled forward to get a closer look. “Oh thank goodness. I’m not deserted. I am the Companion and/or Leading Test Assistant. The employees collectively call me Caolta. Please excuse me, my optical lens has been damaged. Are you a human?” Her optical sensor began to glitch, focusing in and out, trying to get a good look.

Wheatley let out a hearty chuckle before focusing back on the other AI. “Ohhh.. haha.. aha.. ha... You think I’m a human? Ahh.. Tha’s bloody hilarious, y’know? Oh.. ...Oh. You were serious.”

That was the persona Wheatley was hoping he was giving off at least. In actuality, the very unimportant, small man was very nervous and a bit on edge. He hated wandering the lonely dark back halls of the Aperture dorms this late in the day. It was always so quiet and eerie, as if something could jump out at you at any mo--”AHHH!”

The little man nearly leaped right out of his skin as he bumped into someone on the walkway. Someone or... something. What if it was a something? Wheatley fumbled with his glasses slightly as he took a few quick steps back away from the thing he bumped into... ...Only to realize it was a very pretty girl. Or was it a girl? Her voice sounded funny for a girl, didn’t it? What if she was an alien? Or even worse, a mantis woman! You could never be too sure down here in Aperture.

"What am I? Ahh.. Mate, I’m somethin’ of a phenomenon, y’know. Do you know what tha’ is? It’s alright if you don’t, really, I’m a genius, so I forget my own intellect sometimes.. honest.."

The core pauses a moment.

Wheatley then spun about happily, trying his best to lighten the mood and change the subject.