In looking back over the first year of A Man's Guide, I realize suicide has never been discussed directly. That said, I believe the entire blog deals with issues that relate.
Anthony Bourdain took his own life this morning in a hotel in France. He was 61. Robin Williams took his own life at age 63. Chris Cornell committed suicide at age 52. These were not young, hormonally troubled men. These were established, self-determining, thoughtful, grown men. Suicide in general has increased in the US over the past twenty years, but men are three and a half times more likely to die from a suicide attempt. Half of suicides in the United States are committed with guns, and of those, almost exclusively by men.
There's nothing I can say about suicide or depression that someone else hasn't stated more expertly, so instead I'll talk about toxic masculinity and its role in US suicides.
For starters, we're afraid to seek help. And I do mean afraid, not too strong. Our culture of toxic masculinity tells us that men must be strong to be men. That if we seek help for depression we're weak. And for as long as we allow a toxic society to tell us how we're supposed to handle our flaws, we'll continue not to handle them at all. And these three men all sought help for depression at some point or other. Maybe not enough, and maybe they didn't get the help they needed, but these were strong men who often epitomized our ideals of masculinity. And fellas, if they couldn't handle it without help, then you must --MUST-- understand that it's okay for you to admit the same, and seek help as well.
There's no shame in speaking to a therapist. You're not weak for talking to someone. Maybe you even have depression exacerbated by a chemical imbalance that can be treated. Imagine if you decided to suffer through the pain of depression because someone told you to "tough it out" instead of getting help, getting life-saving medication, and starting to enjoy life!
Does it always work? Of course not. Humans are imperfect. Our solutions are imperfect. But to deny help at all because of this mythic John Wayne notion of masculinity - where we bootstrap ourselves out of healthy emotional expression - is to deny our own humanity, our sense of worth, and our sense of belonging.
As I think about the topics we've discussed here, I can tie almost all of them back to a few basic concepts: lack of self worth, a false sense of entitlement, and perceived notions of rightness.
Toxic masculine culture tells us men must look, act, and feel a certain way. We then feel entitled to the rewards of those things, and when the mirror doesn't show us these successes, we internalize a powerful lack of self worth. These manifest in things like street harassment (the idea that a woman walking down the street owes us something), driving like macho idiots (the idea that we must compensate for one failing by acting out in another), talking down to and/or abusing our partners (the idea that another person is responsible for making us whole), and so on.
Our failings as "MEN" manifest in failings as humans. If we want to see a decrease in male suicides, we have to stop placing our lack of self worth on everyone who's not a cis, straight male, and start recognizing it comes from unrealistic, fabricated expectations. And it doesn't matter who started those expectations, it is incumbent upon us to dismantle them.
Bourdain, Williams, and Cornell were not victims of toxic masculinity because they were toxic men. By most accounts, they were flawed, but striving men. They were victims of toxic masculinity because our society didn't allow them to comfortably seek or receive the help they needed. And perhaps, in these three cases, there was some chemical imbalance that no amount of therapy or presently-available medication could have solved, but most of us knew fairly little about their struggles in comparison to others much more comfortable expressing their struggles. Imagine Dragons lead singer Dan Reynolds, for example, frequently talks about his struggles with depression and acts to help dismantle stigmatization of mental health.
And, to be completely open, I struggle with it myself. Prior to age 11, I had already attempted to take my own life three times. In my thirties, I had a breakdown and was very close to attempting it again. When I realized what was happening, I sat up and said, "This is bad. I need help." I was fortunate enough to have health insurance that covered a highly qualified therapist right down the street from me. So I went. I've made progress, but for many of us, these things don't 100% go away. Every day, when I experience something that makes me feel inadequate, a voice in the back of my head says, "BE A MAN! SUCK IT UP!" My therapy taught me to follow that up with, "I am worthy of love."
That thought alone got me through a horrible break-up a few years ago, and I repeat it to myself every chance I get. But a therapist taught me that. Not the Red Pill or some other hateful MRA site. I've survived because of the love and compassion in my life, not by seeking others to blame for my lot.
PURPOSE: You are not alone. We all struggle with feelings of inadequacy and with not belonging. Taking responsibility for that doesn't mean sucking it up and holding it in. Taking responsibility means getting the help we need to mitigate and, if possible, eliminate those feelings of worthlessness.Those are big goals, but if we're MEN who think we can handle it all ourselves, then we're certainly man enough to lighten the load by sharing our fears with others.
If you are struggling with these feelings, that is okay. You are human. You are good. You are worthy of love. Seek help not because you're "weak," but because you are strong enough to know you might need it.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255
