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the more i love myself, the more i become my highest self.

i will let life play out on its own.

i am worthy of receiving everything i desire.

my feelings do not define me so let go of any negative thoughts that creep into my mind.

i think i diagnosed myself. it’s strange, but here it is: retroactive jealousy OCD. sounds...strange. just like OCD, retroactive jealousy share a lot. they apparently exhibit many of the same thought and behavioral patterns. it’s characterized by obsessive and intrusive thoughts. repeated and obsessive behaviors and replaying mental movies of imagined events are also common. interesting. 

the basics are: a pattern of jealousy. not necessarily of your partner’s ex, but it’s associated with obsessive thoughts. APPARENTLY IT IS A LACK OF SELF-WORTH. damn i really need to work on self love. ok but. now that i really know what is is, how do i break this stupid cycle that’s affecting my relationship? it’s difficult, but not impossible. 

first step: accepting i have a problem. by acknowledging that my thoughts and behaviors aren’t healthy, i am opening up a door to receiving the help i need.

next step: resist the urge to snoop, argue or probe into my partner’s past. tough...but resisting these urges is what puts a stop to the negative behavioral patterns that i have established.

last step: remind myself of my own self-worth. repeating affirmations can help put jealousy behind you and focus on what you bring to the relationship.

what is there to even be jealous about? i have him. i am all about him and he’s all about me..is it because i knew how he felt about her. because of the way i heard him cry to me about her? surely, he loved her. maybe he was in love with her. is that what i’m “jealous” about? am i insecure? 

a clinical psychologist recommends asking yourself what your feelings of jealousy really mean to you. “do you think their past predicts something about your relationship, or makes you feel like you can’t trust them? once you get a sense of what the jealousy means, you can start to face those fears.”

name something that makes you happy.

what does my morning look like today? how am i feeling this morning?

i wake up around 7:30 every morning. i feel like my morning routines are fairly the same. i like routine. routines are good. they feel good. but lately “good” doesn’t do me justice. i think i need to step out of my comfort zone. a few days ago i tried switching it up, i woke up early, got on the treadmill for 10 minutes. got my blood flowing. it just wasn’t it. maybe i’m not motivated, or better yet, i’m not disciplined. maybe i just need to wake up early and get the fuck out of my house. 

but this morning seems good. calm. my kid is calm. the weather seems nice. everyday is always a good 75-85 degrees but it’s an island...near the equator...it feels so hot and humid all the time, but who am i to complain? i love it here. i think that 90% of the population on this island take living here for granted...well, not opposed to rent and groceries. who could possibly live here besides the wealthy and the military. i mean, God bless america, am i right? anywho, i meant the free things..like the beach. obviously. it’s great. it’s not everyday you can get up and drive down to dip a toe in some salt water. or feel the warm sand on your skin. it’s not everyday. hell, even living here it’s not like that everyday. this island is where the city meets the beach. here i am...brain dumping again. it feels soooo good though i think it’s what’s been keeping me calm. occupied. i couldn’t even think about 3 other things that i love about myself. i’m boring. 

i can’t say that i love being a mother. every mother should love being a mother but not every mother does. i do. i love it. even though it takes all of me to be a mother. i just can’t be different people. or rather, i can’t be different versions of myself.

my morning routine has been the same lately. when i say i love routine, i don’t know what mental illness that correlates with, but i decided to start my day with a glass of water. it’s not much to a lot of people, but if you know me, you know that i love using water to clean myself, things, i love to swim, but consuming water? i’m bad at. i think starting the day off like this will prevent the worst of the worst with what comes after. the headaches after caffeine. i loooove me my coffee. i can’t help it. some people are addicted to meth, i’m addicted to caffeine. i remember being pregnant and having the worst caffeine withdrawal. i discovered cold brew at the time, too. that’s when it was getting extremely popular. ahhh cold brew, so smooth and rich. drop coffee? it’s fucking crack i swear. but it’s amazing. anyways, i steered clear from any kind of caffeine. and i was like a recovering drug addict. i literally felt my capillaries opening and closing. ITCHING. anyways....water. 

another thing i’ve been doing differently, i’m trying to make my kid more independent. especially with eating. feeding herself. god it’s a mess. but kids are kids. how do we learn if we don’t let things get messy, right?

what are 5 things i love about myself?

- i love that i don’t take shit from anyone. i can be blunt and confrontational, but i’m mindful of what i say. i can stand up for myself. i was never really the type to  ever let anyone walk all over me. i think i’m tough. a lot of times, i’m not so weak minded. i can be strong. 

- i love that where i genuinely care, i’m there. i show up. i put you first, but i never leave myself behind in the process. and when i love, i love hard.

okay...one thing that i dislike about myself is that when i am in a relationship, i tend to be all about that relationship. i can’t eat, think, or take care of myself. it’s pretty crazy to me. what does that mean? should i search it? well, anyways, that type of thing brings me constant negative thoughts. why? i don’t fucking know

maybe it’s because i constantly think that i’m not good enough. especially if i don’t get the same affection i give.that’s definitely a negative thought i should release. not being good enough. to everyone. to myself. not being a good enough mother, daughter, sister, friend and most of all...significant other. 

hmm.. what else.. that i probably have no one? i guess. maybe we’re all just growing up. everyone has their own lives. not everyone’s in my shoes. no one really knows the struggle of being a stay at home mom. don’t get me wrong, universe. i love it.. it’s what i’ve always wanted. but i never really wanted it to be alone. or lonely really. i love being a mom. i wish that i could be better. i know that i could be. that’s another negative thought. that i’m such a bad mom. maybe i am. maybe i’m not. i mean of course i’m not. i love my girl. i know she loves me. she shows me constant affection and quite honestly i take it for granted. i shouldn’t. it stops. it needs to stop. 

damn...i guess just myself. everything i feel. i think i just do it to myself. i think what's weighing most on my heart right now is the relationship i'm in and what i've been through the last month. with my relationship, i think i expect way too much from my partner? i don't know. the last relationship i was in, i didn't feel the kind of love i deserved. i don't think i ever really did tbh. my whole life. i think there's a certain love i seek. a certain love that maybe only i can fulfill. i constantly feel like i'm teaching others how to love me and i hate that.

10:58 am

(i am grateful for this beautiful day.) truly, i am. it's been raining a lot these past few days. like just non thunderstorms. but today? it's quiet. it's sunny. the wind is calm and the skies are clear. blue. there's barely any clouds and all i see is blue. i don't hear birds or chickens or dogs. it's a fairly quiet morning other than the sound of my daughter being chaotic and constant babbling.

(i am overflowing with happiness, joy and gratitude.) i'm not actually. lol.

(i am appreciative for all of the wonderful things this day brings forth.)

(i am grateful for who i am) am i? i don't really know who i am these days.

(i am thankful for everything that i have.) i am. most definitely.

(i am grateful for the opportunities this new day brings me.)

(i invite gratitude into my heart now.)

(every cell in my body vibrates with gratitude)

(today, i will embody an attitude of gratitude.)

(thank you for the blessings this day brings.)

(an attitude of gratitude brings me closer to my desires.)

(thank you for the blessings this day brings.)

(an attitude of gratitude brings me closer to my desires.)

(i feel grateful for the abundance of blessings in my life.)

(i am grateful to be exactly where i am at.)

how is it that this relationship is the first to ever feel so important to me and i’m fucking it up left and right? it’s insane. i feel like such a burden. i can’t even think. why do i obsess so much. i mean...is this love? it’s at the point where i’m even questioning if this is real love or not. is it lust? obsession?  i mean it’s gotta be love, right? or at least i thought it was...love shouldn’t be this hard. or painful for that matter. shouldn’t it be peaceful? i mean that’s what it was like in the beginning.. it was peaceful. it was amazing.. what got lost..

should i just start creating boundaries? with myself? with him? is this too much...god i can’t believe i even question if i’m too much. i mean, i used to say that if i’m too much go find less. but i don’t want him to find less or more. i want it to be me... just me. i guess i wish things were different. it sucks to suck, but i wish i didn’t love him so much or so hard because.. the fact of the matter is i love him more than he loves me. whether he admits it or not. and when i say that, he asks why. i don’t know how to explain why. i just know how to feel why..and he makes me feel why...do i regret loving him so much? no. he deserves so much love. honestly, i wish i could love him harder. with all that i am. with all that i’m not.. i’ve loved a lot in my life. soft love. hard love. but this is different. it’s all kinds of love. everything in between. it’s honestly the kind of love that people search for everyday. in fact, if i were “other people”, i’d be jealous of us. me and him. him and me. saying that and just talking about our kind of love rolls off my tongue that easily. 

he’s my “yes thing”. i’d do anything for him. a “ride or die” as people say. he’s my person. he’s my “okay”. a big reason for waking up every morning, especially on the days where i wanna give up. i refuse to ever believe this is a trauma bond of some sort. i mean.. he was there for me through it all and i’d like to think that i was there for him in the same way. maybe he just doesn’t feel the same way. maybe i should just tone things down. not feel. not love so hard. just...back off. is that what he wants? god this hurts. my fucking chest feels like it’s about to burst. is it because i’m not healed? am i not healed? am i...his trauma bond? surely, he loves fixing people. he loves being there for people. what if he just likes feeling needed and i’m that need. what if i just like someone there for me because no one has been in such a long time? this is the worst self reflection in a relationship. i don’t even wanna know how he feels. 

brutally honest...i hate that i am questioning all of this. i mean it’s us. we’ve been friends forever how the fuck do we not know this version of us? relationship us..why do we not know this version of each other? why is there so much to learn.. why is this..hard...

i hardly think i'm doing anything differently honestly, but maybe, just maybe, the littlest things make the biggest difference. i decided that i need to approach this a little differently. maybe i have to go through another spiritual awakening. but how? things like that don't come lightly. i gotta take 10 steps back for this. tapping in. deeply and spiritually. personally, i think that there's no right or wrong way to heal, you know?

it shouldn't be that hard i mean i've done this before. i've given people advice on this before. but here's to a good few first steps.

what changes have i done these past few days? well, i have only journaled twice and that doesn't even count. it's exhausting. mentally. emotionally. spiritually. at this point, i feel like my soul is tired. i did a little yoga. meditated a little bit, too. it wasn't good, but it wasn't awful either. probably because i did it at 3 am. half asleep and knocked the fuck out meditating lol. but that's good right? i mean peace comes w meditation so obviously it worked for that night?

i've been having really really bad anxiety though. i've gone through something traumatic which causes more ptsd than ppd and i believe it. i'm dissociating again. again and again and again. i'm on fucking autopilot. how do i get out of it? i don't know. i don't really. i let it happen. it feels...strangely good. i think i just barely feel anything now.