I know youโve already gotten some response, but I figured Iโd put my 2 cents in as not only someone whoโs been the brunt of someone like this (my sister), but also someone who has BEEN this person. As you put in the tags, you donโt want to come off as rude or insensitive and I would like to say the same. I would never want to disregard your own safety, health, anxiety, pain, etc. I want to help give insight as to what it may be like for him based on what it was like for me, that way both him AND you can be happier and healthier.
You say in the comments that it feels like he isnโt considering your anxiety, and that is COMPLETELY VALID. But I can guarantee you he is probably thinking the same thing, but even more intensely. The point that he is at sounds to me like what I was at my absolute ROCK BOTTOM. Past rock bottom even. I would have days where I would just act so angry ALL DAY LONG. I would snap at people for nothing and when people would point it out it only made things worse because hereโs the truth: I didnโt FEEL angry. I used the work act because thatโs what it felt like. It felt like an act. It didnโt reflect what I actually felt like inside. It felt like my body was acting/reacting in a way that was actually contradictory to what I feltโwhich was scared and sad and, well, anxious. When people ask why I was being that way/what caused it, it made the situation worse because I literally had NO IDEA why I was responding with anger when anger isnโt what I felt. That creates disassociation. When you live with that disassociation for so long it feels like you literally have ZERO control over your actions. Idk if youโve ever seen Corpse Bride, but thereโs a worm in the movie that lives in the brideโs head and watches what happens through an eye hole in her skull. This is what it feels like. it feel like your consciousness is a little worm that lives in your head and watches what happens through your eyes. Just watches. The body is an entirely seperate entity that acts as it acts and all you do is watch what happens. Like a movie shot from first person, you can see everything that happens from that bodyโs point of view, but you canโt control or influence what that body does. I can only explain this after analyzing it for YEARS. This isnโt something you really understand as itโs happeningโso can you imagine how you would even begin to explain that to someone? That youโre not angry and you donโt know why youโre responding that way? It creates even more anxiety when people want you to explain something you canโt even put your finger on yourself. Not to mention, especially in this state of mind, when someone says โwhy are you mad?โ (for me I always got โwhy are you jumping down my throat?โ) in your mind it translates to โstop itโ even if that wasnโt the intention. And thatโs how everything feels. Everything feels like a sign that you are annoying, unwanted, too much, etc.
Whe you leave your dish in the sink instead of washing it right away he doesnโt see the truth of itโthat you forgot, that it slipped your mind, that you donโt have the energy to do it right thenโinstead what he sees is you saying you KNOW putting the dish in the sink causes him anxiety, but you donโt care enough about his wellbeing to do something thatโs a little inconvenient for you.
Now, again, I would like to stress that I am NOT saying you donโt care about his wellbeing. I am NOT disregarding what you need. And I am NOT condoning his behavior. I am saying this because I genuinely believe understanding how he might be perceiving reality (again, this is just how I felt, and I canโt guarantee itโs the same for him) will help you towards a better, healthier life for both of you.
For him, if he is feeling like a worm watching the actions on an independent body (even if itโs only some of the time), it seems impossible to change what youโre doing. It seems impossible to get help or say whatโs happening. It feels like there is no way help can come internally or through you asking for help. It only feels like you can get help if someone notices whatโs really going on insideโthat all this snapping and anxiety is you screaming for help in the only way you can. People ask you why youโre mad (which youโre not), they ask whatโs going on (you donโt know) and it all seems to you like theyโre saying โknock it offโ โ/I/ donโt like you like this.โ And youโre thinking โHow do you not see something is really wrong with me? How do you not see that Iโm scared? How do you not see I need help?โ
This isnโt a slight against you AT ALL, but your post and comments are riddled with โI.โ How does this affect ME, how does this affect MY anxiety, IโM the one taking the brunt of it all. This isnโt wrong. Thinking about yourself and what you need is a very good thing, and thatโs what heโs doing too. But all he sees is the โIโ in it. He can sense that you have concerns for that, but all heโll see is that. He wonโt see the side of you thatโs concerned for him (particularly when heโs this bad and youโre getting resentful of him (which is valid)). And who wants to change for someone that ONLY wants you to get help because itโll make their life better? Itโs fucked up thinking (self-destructive even) and itโs not wrong to want it to ease your own heart, but when you feel like you LITERALLY have no tools of change for yourself and no one around you cares about you for the sake of youโฆyou become stuck in this anger that you donโt feel and watching your life like a viewer of a tv show.
If you can understand what Iโm trying to explain and not take offense to it (I promise I donโt mean it in that way) then you are already on a good road to truly helping your brother. Because the truth isโฆheโs probably too far into this disassociation for a simple conversation to change his state. He has to see that you, unselfishly, want him to get more help. You want him to get help for HIS sake, make him feel like itโs ONLY for his sake. And that starts with the little things. Make a big effort to remember the things heโs asked you to not do bc ut gives him anxiety. Wash that plate even when youโre low on energy or in a hurry. He will know that you are doing that for him and only for him. This isnโt something that will take super long to sink in for him. Much like how heโs ready to see anything as a sign heโs annoying/unloved/unwanted/etc., he will cling to any sign that something is being done purely for his sake. A month of doing this and then he may feel secure that you care about his wellbeing enough to have a conversation. And remember to leave the โIโ out of it. Donโt say the word if you can help it.
Again, reiterating one last time, that I am not intending to scold you or make you feel bad. I can say with certainty that this treatment is NOT FAIR TO YOU AT ALL. And the anxiety you have and the way itโs affecting you is COMPLETLEY valid. I only wish to make you understand that, if you really want things to get better, for yourself and for him, it might have to be a little unfair for a while. Thatโs the only way I know to help the situation, coming from someone who has been on both sides of it.
I know this is long, but itโs a very complex issue with a lot of explaining. I hope you take the time to read and I hope, truly hope, things get better for you. Know that you can message me personally any time if any of this didnโt make sense, if you want more advice, or if you simply want to rant/vent. Best of luck to you!
