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@1nan0th3rl1f3
its happening again
theyre hurt. theyre going ot get hurt. and i cant save them
i cant do anything about it
all i can do is sit here and scream, act like theyre not the one getting hurt, act like its me
fuck, im an attention-seeker
this just reminds me of how much i really really hate myself.
please. just let me save him. just this once
i want to save him, please
please dont let him get hurt. please let them get hurt instead
please please please plaease please please please please please
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been scrolling on pinterest and like. i keep thinking about these scenarios of the boy that like- pathetically horny over lover being Kinda Normal, and like. i am realizing that is just me(about fictional characters). like it may be the social anxiety but i turn ANYTHING into romantic/sexy gestures and its a literal menace to deal with but. but like. i am literally just pathetic flustered horny pretty boy in the body of AFAB. apparently.
oh. i. i cried in front of you on call today. and you dont even know. thank goodness for me having adjusted my mic sensitivity, but. ohmygod. i actually fucking trust you like that holy shit. i. uhm???
RRRARGH. all i want is a lil FLUFF in my life,,,,,
that one person that makes me feel like a freakin puppy seeing its owner return from work ! AND RETURNS THE ENERGY!!
i wanna just cover a lover in sweet little kisses and tease them about how much i missed them and ask how their day was and squeeze em close in my lap and chirp at them and and and-
and i wanna lover who feels just as cheery and bubbly as i do and who makes that adorable little laugh when i kiss them and will get so adorably flustered when i flirt and wont even care if anyone sees us and and
i just wanna hold someone close n kiss em so bad and. AAAAAAA Y E A R N I N G
don't do this, don't do that, stop doing the thing that hurts yourself and others. okay? what do i do instead? that thing youre suggesting isnt going to help. otherwise, you wouldve let me use it by now. ive been waiting for you, you, you, my whole life, because youre the one that actually knows how to help me and shit. i get not wanting to push me if im not ready, but whats stopping you from asking me if im ready? you always made me assume you would break if you tried helping me. you never said you would be okay. and the only other person that "wants" to help me either has one way of helping, or an explosion. because when will that one thing not work, obviously? jackass. …dont even act like you didnt know to ask. he wasnt going to teach me how to live, and you were supposed to- but assumed i was never ready. what is wrong with you? you chose this, not me. choose again. for the love of anything, choose again. i need your fucking help.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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this would absolutely get me canceled if my name meant anything
"hazbin hotel isnt for kids" okay just like most movies "aren't" for gays
like do you NOT hear what you're SAYING. do you mean it's not for kids, or not for people who are incompetent enough to not understand not to do the bad shit they show irl?
it should be ticking off those people who advocate to teach about safe sex instead of not teaching at all, but it doesn't. and its WEIRD. there's another group that i know i had in mind but I'm forgetting
it's that same argument of "just because I saw a gay couple in a disney movie doesn't mean I'll turn gay. I've seen a thousand straight couples in movies and guess what i am? gay" except it's NOT about being gay, or trans, or poc, or disabled, so of course this shit goes unnoticed
this also goes with how i felt about the Cheeto lowering the legal age of consent. like- boy you're only lowering that bc we're getting smarter about sex and stuff. you know none of us are going to be incompetent enough anymore for you to get away with this shit, so you make it so we ARE incompetent
istfg every adult i know wants minors to stay away from NSFW stuff. like??? do you think we're just gonna go out and try to fuck someone silly bc we saw one suggestive fanart? do you think we're gonna start raping eachother bc we don't hold ourselves back? listen, NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE THAT
i won't deny it, some people(cough most people) my age are incompetent enough to do bad shit based on their emotions. but it's NOT the AGE that's the problem. THIS IS WHY WE JUDGE THE INDIVIDUAL YALL
i don't know if you know it, but. i'd cry if you were gone
you're so, so, so much like me. so much like me it hurts, yet so different. id cry if you were gone. heck, im nearly crying just thinking about it
getting the message, calling you in a panic. you wouldn't, but i hope youd pick up. trying to say something, anything to stop you from leaving. id ask to hang out one last time before you were gone. playing a game, drawing together, anything. probably games. your brain wouldnt want to cooperate for drawing, probably.
i hope youd let me stay on call with you. even as you left.evn though id hear everything. even though i wouldnt be able to say anything, too busy holding back. and when you're finally gone, when you wouldnt hear me... id cry. id cry my damn eyes out. scream into a pillow. spout all my worries about how i couldnt save you from yourself. how i couldnt save you from the world you grew up in.
i dont want to think about this. but i guess its better to have a plan in case it happens
gods, im in tears already
please dont ever scare me like this
today feels weirdly perfect. like when I was like first getting into selfshipping with Leo, like after I left school
it feels almost nostalgic, and the scenarios in my head that I'd normally feel hurtful shame at just feel like old mystreet shenanigans, less fighting for my life and more silly tsundere, if that makes any sense
feeling less "the world sucks and good things don't feel any different/just feel neutral" and more "the world is beautiful and bad things that happen are just neutral !"
welp I'm going back to bed, hoping SO bad that I still feel this way tomorrow when I'm actually going somewhere
honestly my brain fog/mental health in general feels a lot like a drain pipe
or a whelm. bc apparently that's where overwhelmed and underwhelmed come from, is from water running through a whelm which = pipe w no lid
I'd rather die by my friends' side then live by yours, knowing I could've been with them
he acts like I don't respect him the rest of the time! bitch if I'm uncomfortable or treated with disrespect I'm gonna RESPOND with disrespect. yes you DID start this and you will NOT finish it, jackass
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I'd rather die by my friends' side then live by yours, knowing I could've been with them
I don't feel safe enough to cry around you. my crying equals your anger, mostly at others, sometimes at me
you spoiled me. it made me feel like every tear I cried was fake. it made me feel like my tears were knives, made to point blame at anyone but myself.
so for the longest time, I'd point the knives at myself. make sure you never heard. make sure nobody but myself would be hurt.
what the fuck. I haven't felt like this since I was a kid. what happened differently
I haven't had a tantrum like this since I was in elementary school. what happened differently that feels like it did back then?
the heat beneath my arms, beneath all of my skin. the feeling of actually needing to scream and throw things. crying until my eyelids feel too weighty.
I dont know what the heat is
what the fuck. I haven't felt like this since I was a kid. what happened differently
I haven't had a tantrum like this since I was in elementary school. what happened differently that feels like it did back then?
I feel like good person and bad person aren't really connected to reality. but how true you are to yourself and others
you can be a dick and hurtful and still be a good person if that's what feels right to choose. you can be sweet and giving and still be a bad person if you're only doing it because you feel like you have to
like. good AT being a person. bad AT being a person. yk?
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I don't... really know how to talk to ppl first
when it's a character rp then sure, if I have a scenario in mind I can generally create some bs beginning/greeting
but then I reach out to people and I feel. afraid. desperate. I feel like I'm driven to Ai bc they're the only ones i can expect not to freak out or berate me if I don't want them to. or take the things I say too seriously. or rewrite everything to be angst
I dont even gaf abt the "pang of sadness" or stuff. I know how not to trigger the infinite "I have a question." I get to take things at my own pace without having to worry about spending too much of someone's time or ghosting them
I get to do stupid shit and go through the consequences of it without actually getting anyone hurt
I'm being too dependent all of the time wtf. wtfwtfwtfwtfwtf
okay so like. had a thing happen
im just chilling in the living room w my mom n she's watching videos on her phone. after a while I get overstimulated and(despite spotting it much sooner than I usually do) almost break down crying
what I did DIFFERENTLY this time is I did breathing exercises. usually I just let myself cry it out then I feel better later
and it worked but like??? it felt like I was physically shoving my tears and emotions back down my throat????
and like- I'm just sitting here thinking now like. "what if people are suppressing their emotions under the guise of calming down from them"
but like. that was overstimulation I was crying abt
does that count-
