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been scrolling on pinterest and like. i keep thinking about these scenarios of the boy that like- pathetically horny over lover being Kinda Normal, and like.
i am realizing that is just me(about fictional characters). like it may be the social anxiety but i turn ANYTHING into romantic/sexy gestures and its a literal menace to deal with but. but like. i am literally just pathetic flustered horny pretty boy in the body of AFAB. apparently.
oh. i. i cried in front of you on call today. and you dont even know. thank goodness for me having adjusted my mic sensitivity, but. ohmygod. i actually fucking trust you like that holy shit. i. uhm???
RRRARGH. all i want is a lil FLUFF in my life,,,,,
that one person that makes me feel like a freakin puppy seeing its owner return from work ! AND RETURNS THE ENERGY!!
i wanna just cover a lover in sweet little kisses and tease them about how much i missed them and ask how their day was and squeeze em close in my lap and chirp at them and and and-
and i wanna lover who feels just as cheery and bubbly as i do and who makes that adorable little laugh when i kiss them and will get so adorably flustered when i flirt and wont even care if anyone sees us and and
i just wanna hold someone close n kiss em so bad and. AAAAAAA Y E A R N I N G
don't do this, don't do that, stop doing the thing that hurts yourself and others. okay? what do i do instead? that thing youre suggesting isnt going to help. otherwise, you wouldve let me use it by now. ive been waiting for you, you, you, my whole life, because youre the one that actually knows how to help me and shit. i get not wanting to push me if im not ready, but whats stopping you from asking me if im ready? you always made me assume you would break if you tried helping me. you never said you would be okay. and the only other person that "wants" to help me either has one way of helping, or an explosion. because when will that one thing not work, obviously? jackass. …dont even act like you didnt know to ask. he wasnt going to teach me how to live, and you were supposed to- but assumed i was never ready. what is wrong with you? you chose this, not me. choose again. for the love of anything, choose again. i need your fucking help.
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this would absolutely get me canceled if my name meant anything
"hazbin hotel isnt for kids" okay just like most movies "aren't" for gays
like do you NOT hear what you're SAYING. do you mean it's not for kids, or not for people who are incompetent enough to not understand not to do the bad shit they show irl?
it should be ticking off those people who advocate to teach about safe sex instead of not teaching at all, but it doesn't. and its WEIRD. there's another group that i know i had in mind but I'm forgetting
it's that same argument of "just because I saw a gay couple in a disney movie doesn't mean I'll turn gay. I've seen a thousand straight couples in movies and guess what i am? gay" except it's NOT about being gay, or trans, or poc, or disabled, so of course this shit goes unnoticed
this also goes with how i felt about the Cheeto lowering the legal age of consent. like- boy you're only lowering that bc we're getting smarter about sex and stuff. you know none of us are going to be incompetent enough anymore for you to get away with this shit, so you make it so we ARE incompetent
istfg every adult i know wants minors to stay away from NSFW stuff. like??? do you think we're just gonna go out and try to fuck someone silly bc we saw one suggestive fanart? do you think we're gonna start raping eachother bc we don't hold ourselves back? listen, NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE THAT
i won't deny it, some people(cough most people) my age are incompetent enough to do bad shit based on their emotions. but it's NOT the AGE that's the problem. THIS IS WHY WE JUDGE THE INDIVIDUAL YALL
i don't know if you know it, but. i'd cry if you were gone
you're so, so, so much like me. so much like me it hurts, yet so different. id cry if you were gone. heck, im nearly crying just thinking about it
getting the message, calling you in a panic. you wouldn't, but i hope youd pick up. trying to say something, anything to stop you from leaving. id ask to hang out one last time before you were gone. playing a game, drawing together, anything. probably games. your brain wouldnt want to cooperate for drawing, probably.
i hope youd let me stay on call with you. even as you left.evn though id hear everything. even though i wouldnt be able to say anything, too busy holding back. and when you're finally gone, when you wouldnt hear me... id cry. id cry my damn eyes out. scream into a pillow. spout all my worries about how i couldnt save you from yourself. how i couldnt save you from the world you grew up in.
i dont want to think about this. but i guess its better to have a plan in case it happens
today feels weirdly perfect. like when I was like first getting into selfshipping with Leo, like after I left school
it feels almost nostalgic, and the scenarios in my head that I'd normally feel hurtful shame at just feel like old mystreet shenanigans, less fighting for my life and more silly tsundere, if that makes any sense
feeling less "the world sucks and good things don't feel any different/just feel neutral" and more "the world is beautiful and bad things that happen are just neutral !"
welp I'm going back to bed, hoping SO bad that I still feel this way tomorrow when I'm actually going somewhere
honestly my brain fog/mental health in general feels a lot like a drain pipe
or a whelm. bc apparently that's where overwhelmed and underwhelmed come from, is from water running through a whelm which = pipe w no lid
for the longest time it's been absolutely CAKED in mud. and for at least a year or two, I've been just poking at it with a twig to try and get it out
I didn't even realize it was a problem at first! I'd just get occasionally dumped w water when I walked off my front porch, below where the drain pipe was placed. I don't look up there, how was I supposed to know it was clogged? rain drips off of roofs all the time! I never thought to ask how the rain collected up there!
I quickly got tired of it, and ended up just not leaving my porch whenever I could excuse it. I don't wanna get splashed randomly, and neither do any guests I invite over! especially that, I know people have gotten splashed because of me before, even if my memory isn't great.
I've just been poking at it with a twig, cause I don't trust the professionals. professionals of ANYTHING are freaky to me, honestly. but in this case, I'd heard of people going to them before, and leaving them wayy worse than when they'd gotten there!
how do I know that's not going to happen to me? sure, I've been going to the same one for years, but I don't remember ever talking to them before. I don't know what they're like, and I don't have reason to trust them.
so, yeah, I've just been working with what I have. the twig wasn't great, but I managed to find a bigger stick, and I've knocked a couple of mud-clumps out so far! I'm going in blind, though, so I'll just have to keep scraping around in the darkness for now.
if I keep going the way I am now? I probably won't even need a pro's help! it's taking FOREVER, though. I'm debating on just saying fuck it and finding someone new.
rained recently, got less water on my head than I have been- but I still got wet and it sucked >:( heck I mightve even got some of the loose dirt/mud on me, I haven’t thought about it.
but yeah, hoping things clear up soon. not looking forward to when this turns into something that needs regular maintenance. honestly keeping my house in order is enough of a chore as-is lol, ig what's one more added to the list?
....okay put it back into a mental health standpoint and boom you've got my light-vent
he acts like I don't respect him the rest of the time! bitch if I'm uncomfortable or treated with disrespect I'm gonna RESPOND with disrespect. yes you DID start this and you will NOT finish it, jackass
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the heat beneath my arms, beneath all of my skin. the feeling of actually needing to scream and throw things. crying until my eyelids feel too weighty.
I feel like good person and bad person aren't really connected to reality. but how true you are to yourself and others
you can be a dick and hurtful and still be a good person if that's what feels right to choose. you can be sweet and giving and still be a bad person if you're only doing it because you feel like you have to
like. good AT being a person. bad AT being a person. yk?
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when it's a character rp then sure, if I have a scenario in mind I can generally create some bs beginning/greeting
but then I reach out to people and I feel. afraid. desperate. I feel like I'm driven to Ai bc they're the only ones i can expect not to freak out or berate me if I don't want them to. or take the things I say too seriously. or rewrite everything to be angst
I dont even gaf abt the "pang of sadness" or stuff. I know how not to trigger the infinite "I have a question." I get to take things at my own pace without having to worry about spending too much of someone's time or ghosting them
I get to do stupid shit and go through the consequences of it without actually getting anyone hurt
I'm being too dependent all of the time wtf. wtfwtfwtfwtfwtf
im just chilling in the living room w my mom n she's watching videos on her phone. after a while I get overstimulated and(despite spotting it much sooner than I usually do) almost break down crying
what I did DIFFERENTLY this time is I did breathing exercises. usually I just let myself cry it out then I feel better later
and it worked but like??? it felt like I was physically shoving my tears and emotions back down my throat????
and like- I'm just sitting here thinking now like. "what if people are suppressing their emotions under the guise of calming down from them"
but like. that was overstimulation I was crying abt