dial 9 to get out

I think I'm pregnant. again. I miscarried like 2 months ago then my bf decided not to pull out right after so here I am. it's honestly depressing because I'm not ready for a child at all and I'm still not sure I wanna have kids with him, because he's not the nicest and I want him to be nicer. I literally have to delete this app from my phone after every time I'm done using it cause he goes through my phone and if he saw this he'd literally leave me homeless with no car or anything. I feel stuck, with no way out. I never thought my life would turn out like this, it's embarrassing. id ask my parents for help, but again, this whole thing is just embarrassing. I hate my life. I wanna abort it but I'm in Texas and I have no fucking money or a car or friends or anything. im gonna steal some pregnancy tests from the gas station or something and if I am, imma just have to ask my mom if there's any way she can help because I can't do this.

I'm tired, as usual. been dreaming of all the different happy lives I could be living instead of being a depressed and borderline shitty stripper in the godforsaken state of texas. i hate everything about my life currently, I feel minimal to no love from my boyfriend who regularly destroys me emotionally and occasionally hits me, while blaming me every chance he gets for everything wrong with our lives. I havent been able to eat and have been throwing up constantly but a part of me likes it, cause it's the one thing I have control over right now. on top of fantasizing about the lives I could be living i keep fantasizing about death and the peace it'd bring my soul but as we all know im to cowardly to off myself, plus it's just plain embarrassing especially if I failed.