Trying To Figure Things Out

YOU. ARE. NOT. ME!!!

but how do you contact the one person you need, when they are the one hurting you??

No one asks how I am.

No one would call my phone.

No one knows that I hate myself.

No one would care if I didn’t wake up.

No one wants to know how I really am.

No one would care if I stopped texting.

No one notices I’m slowly drifting away.

No one would notice I’m not at work.

No one noticed when I drank myself to oblivion constantly last year.

No one would notice if I didn’t post anything on social media.

No one would realize if I just dropped off the face of the Earth.

No one cares that I constantly feel alone.

So I don't talk about my biological mother, like ever. There is a reason for that.. I don't remember much about when I lived with her, so I only know what other people told me. I was two and half when she gave me away to her mother. Her mother, Lois, called my father and told him to come get me because she was already raising my older half brother and my half sister who was just a few months old.

My mother, the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally... gave my brother, me and my sister up because she was pregnant with her fourth child, with a fourth baby daddy... I met her and my second half sister, a few times growing up, but don’t remember much about those times since I was still fairly young.

Then when I was 14, my dad and I flew down to Florida to meet her, her new boyfriend and their two children, another half sister and my half brother. I’ve blocked out most of that visit because it was just extremely uncomfortable for me. I thought I wanted to get to know her, but honestly I regretted it as soon as I met her. It made me angry to meet the newest siblings, to know she had three children she was actually raising, yet gave away her first three....

Unfortunately when I was 18 and got married, I got curious to see if she changed since leaving her boyfriend who became her husband. So I talked my husband into going to visit her.. she hadn’t changed at all. In fact she even asked my husband and I for money... since then I haven’t talked to her at all.

I have heard stories about how she tried trading my brother for a pack of cigarettes and alcohol to a friend, the friend gave her the pack of cigarettes and told her she would watch my brother while my mother would go out. She smoked cigarettes her entire pregnancy with me. I’ve heard so many other stories that I just don’t care to repeat...

She is a selfish person and if I never see her again, it wouldn’t faze me one bit.