Rambling Attempts At Poetry

It’s like the letters that spell out your name keep disappearing as I write them.

Like I’m not even allowed to look at them anymore,

Feelings and sh*t.

Not just any kind of feelings,

The kind that feel too large for your body to hold.

The kinds that feel like they’re tearing through your chest

I wonder if I went back and read them now,

Would I recognize those feelings in those poems,

I keep thinking I hear you stir,

that the emptiness of the bed will wake you, 

and your heart will lead you, 

It’s been so long since Iv written about you and me,

Most days things flow perfectly,

My head isn’t filled with question,

Or fears,

Stretched,

Too thin,

Like the way my head feels after long day.

Exhausted,

Eyelids flutter,

The anticipation of firsts,

All excitement and nerves,

To experience what you’ve been dreaming of all these years.

Will it feel like what you imagined it would,

Will it meet your expectations?

I wait in the seats of the clinic,

In my stiff sterile seat and breathe in the perfume of cleaning products.

I wait to hear that you’re okay,

That the injuries arent bad and that the pain will go away.

I wait to see your face come around the corner,

And see that grin that made me fall in love with you.

And I think to myself maybe one day you’ll be waiting,

And I’ll be the hospital instead,

That feeling in the pit of my stomach,

That ball of fear that I keep swallowing,

Something tells me to be cautious,

Be safe it whispers to me as I fall asleep.

But something else tells me to fall,

To be brave and feel deeply,

Don’t be afraid it screams at me,

I can’t decide between the hurt and the rational,

The real or the irrational.

I need constant reminders to feed my own soul,

I spend my days writing poems about you,

But this one I’m writing for you.

To tell you how you fill my empty lines with such vibrance,

Just like you do my life.

And to tell you how you feed my soul,

With every word and every touch.

How the warmth you give spreads across my whole body,