Rules for being a successful forty seven year old drug lord;
Inspired by (x)
1.)The most crucial rule yet often overlooked, the one you better fucking not skip out on if you want to remain alive and in business- don’t be a fat fuck that can’t sprint to the end of the fucking block. It’s common sense. You’re going to wind up in some pretty sticky situations, inevitably. When the shit hits that proverbial fan to rain down hell upon you, you’re going to want to run without having a heart attack ten steps in. Put the fucking twinkie down and join a gym.
2.) Present yourself as a willing team player but line your own thousand leu pockets before concerning yourself with another slick fuckers fortune. Despite the several times your footmen/associates will fuck up royally, always remember these men aren’t completely brain dead and it’s every man for themselves when the building goes up in the flames of hell. Silently rob them all fucking blind with a benevolent smile coupled with a ‘good work’ to boot.
3.) Your driving motive may well be getting your cock wet, if you happen to have one, I’m assuming you do, but for the love of your fucking safety and sanity, do not make decisions with it. Keep your dick out of the following; crazy, too good to be true, cheap call girls and most important of all, your regular junkie clients. One or all of three things could come of this; you’ll wake up broke in some grimy fucking motel wondering where your wallets gone and why your cock is itching like you’re reliving that fucking fifth grade prank all over again. Alternatively you’ll be saddled with a jealous psychotic baby mother and your brand new personalised blackhole into which all your money, energy and sleep goes. Or you’ll have a junkie blowing up your work phone every five fucking minutes thinking not only are they entitled to free samples because you spent the night that one time but you’re now an exclusive couple- complication will arise. I repeat for emphasises sake, do not make decisions with you cock.
4.) Master your trade. That should go without saying, especially if you’ve somehow made it this far up the fucking criminal ladder, you’d have to know a thing or two. However, I mean hit the books. Yes, you heard me correctly, hotshot, got to the fucking store/library/internet and do your homework on anything you’ve yet to perfect. I’m not talking about fucking gardening and how to bake a moist hash brownie but business skills an etiquette, languages and networking, hell even knowing your shit about technology will aid in something, especially if your branching out into the black markets. Know your shit so you’re not left standing around with you cock in your hand looking moronic when the time comes.
5.) In continuation from number four, master or at least know your weapon of choice. You’d be unpleasantly surprised how many green young men looking for notoriety I’ve had the misfortune of meeting that don’t even know how to read a fucking safety manual. Common sense should make an appearance here once again, if you purchase a firearm, switch blade, poison- whatever the fuck you’ve decided on wielding, know how to handle and clean it efficiently. Rolling up to a job only to shoot/stab yourself in the fucking foot and/or let your intended victim saunter off into the sunset laughing up a storm as you bleed out in the gutter is not exactly ideal. And even if by some miracle, you do manage to carry out the deal and eliminate your target/rival/whore of a wife and that runty cunt she left you for, and you accidentally get a minor injury from your own weapon especially a poorly kept knife or needle, you could just as likely die from a scratch that becomes infected as opposed to a gaping hole in your torso.
6.) Ignore the devils calls and block his fucking number. Speaking from experience here, do not partake in your own products even if they’re spectacular quality and your just fucking dying to party after a long day of people kissing your ass and dodging your bullets. Your clients come to you for a reason, and it’s not usually your ‘regulars only special rates’ that are actually a load of bullshit, but because you sell premium product, that being purer, higher addiction chances. Business won’t be booming if you’re shooting up all the wares and rolling up to the office drooling and mumbling like a fucking retard. Hello, Satan, let me put you on hold.
7.) Dress for the job you want. Let’s presume you desired to be a clergyman, for some fucking reason I’ll never be able to grasp, but nevertheless you have the undeniable calling to devote your life to an invisible man in the sky, you wouldn’t arrive at the holy house in leather and nipple tassels. It’s the same with the business, look the part, not only will you be reaping the perks but your considerably more likely to invite better business, free to sow seeds with highly respected like minded organisations/individuals looking for new alliances.
8.) Don’t hire from the classifieds. When searching for the right man to fill a vacant post, always insist on references from allies in the business and trusted circles. No known origins then no work. Not every man can handle the grisly nature of the work done, even if they come begging for it. Some want to test their mettle, some need a quick bill and others sat around watching the godfather one too many times. Taking the risk is entirely up to you but just know, from a man with experience, you’re a fucking moron. Don’t let desperation and hasty decision making drive you to ruin, and definitely don’t hire from shady advertisements 'discreetly neutralises your problems, years in the business, call xxx xxx xxxx’ because you’ll end up in the can either by proxy or due to the excellent sounding solution to your problem being a fat moustache toting fed.
9.) Don’t stuff it all under a mattress. Once you’re successfully building your empire and seeing hard labour come to fruition in the form of gorgeous green, it’s time to hire a reliable launderer. Emphasis on the reliable. Same rule above applies to this here vital rule. Don’t hire just any tech savvy cocksucker that’ll be halfway to Switzerland the moment a sizeable chunk of your money is deposited in your newly constructed off shore account to which he has access. Alternatively don’t go tearing up the town with your gambling and whoring, it won’t go unnoticed and questions will be asked. Find one guy, make it known there is no place in this fucking earth that he could hide from you, and the excruciatingly painful consequences if he tries. However fear isn’t enough, you must offer a pay off, that’s worth the hassle. The combination of greed and fear for ones safety will keep the guy loyal, more or less happy in his new post and you living the best life. Win win.
10.) Keep your head above water. You’re the executive decision maker, not as glamorous as it sounds and certainly not always as thrilling as taking a swing at yet another son of a whore with late payments coming out his ass and making him a punching bag but it’s a necessary evil you’ll swear was designed to pile on stress. Keep in mind, this is business, not your personal playground, there will undoubtably be time to crack skulls, fuck women and snort the occasional line but leave that for Mondays when no one but the obscenely rich can afford to be fucked up, cutting your client list down for the day and leaving you free from making some of those pesky fucking executive decisions. Leave the dirty work to the men further down the hierarchy, by your design, trust they’ll get shit done and keep you from drowning in details.
