1000 Stupid Words

Back in March, there was a guy on the local Facebook page that I go to sometimes to talk to people in the town and see what’s going on. One day, a guy posted a picture from his computer. It was a meme he had saved making fun of a local politician. It wasn't a good one or anything, but it wasn't malicious either. Kind of middle of the road boomer humor. Anyway, I'm assuming he's on the older side because rather than post the picture from the folder it was saved in, he took a screenshot of it opened in his camera roll and posted that. Me being me, I got nosy and wanted to see if he was gonna keep posting stupid memes. So I looked at the bottom of the screenshot which had a bunch of other pictures from his camera roll. I found one which was a full body shot of a woman roughly his age who was completely naked. I assumed it was his wife and felt bad that she had been exposed in such a way, so I messaged the guy to let him know that he had inadvertently posted that image and I wanted him to be aware in case I was right and it was his wife. He responded that I had the wrong person, which I clearly didn't as I clicked his name and hit "message" to send it, but I apologized for bothering him and left it at that. I figured that would be the end of it, but in April, he messaged me a link. I don't remember what it was, but I don't open links from strangers online, since I've had my identity stolen once and don't need that headache again. So I ignored the message and moved on thinking it was a mistake and this time will definitely be the end of it. Flash forward to today, he massages me again. I just opened it and it's a gif. Of a woman. From behind. Elbow deep in her own asshole. That's not an exaggeration. Elbow. Deep. I'm still trying to process how someone can bend like that, let alone expand their asshole wide enough to accommodate a full hand and forearm, but beyond that, I don't inderstand why. Is this some kind of message? Is he telling me to go fuck myself? Did he intend to send that to someone else? If so, who? And why? How did she not tickle her own lungs? Are lungs ticklish? This opened my mind to questions I wish I didn’t have the mind to even ask. I feel that this is a burden I will carry for some time, at the very least til the weekend. I guess what I’m trying to say in all this is never try to help strangers, and thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

So for Nixon’s crimes, we got Deepthroat. Do you think the next informant will be Rimjob or Mister Fister?

I remember when I was little, I bought quarters were the most valuable things in the world. They were metal so you couldn’t just rip them like worthless dollars and they were the biggest coin so they easily beat the rest. And to top it all off, they were the only coin that let you get candy or a toy from the machines at super fresh. Quarters were the shit. Anyway, We went to chevys back when it was casa lupida or whatever it was called and the host brought us to our seats. On the way, we passed a table full of quarters and I lost my shit. I started screaming “look! They left us quarters!” And grabbing all that I could and stuffing them in my tiny 5 or 6 year old pockets. My parents had to grab me to stop me. They were laughing while dragging me away because I was a ridiculous human being and I couldn’t understand why. I had to devise a plan to go to the bathroom and grab some so I could get all the plastic rings and Runts candy that my tiny heart desired. As I sucked down the final sip of my second virgins Daiquiri of the night, I decided it was go time. I told my parents I had to go to the bathroom and I would be right back, but before I could even get down from my chair, my dad said to wait for him. I blew it. I missed the simplest flaw in my plan which was the mere fact that as a tiny human, I wasn’t allowed to go to the bathroom in restaurants by myself. Not willing to accept defeat, I modified my plan on the fly. I would scope out the route to the bathroom noting which tables were occupied by people that weren’t my parents that might take exception to me hoarding all the quarters to myself and where the servers were so they didn’t trip over me. After reaching the bathroom, I emptied my tiny bladder in a matter of seconds, which worked into my plan better than I could have hoped simply because I was so little that I peed in no time where as an adult would take longer as they can hold more liquid. This gave me the chance I needed to make my move. I told my dad I was done and ran for the door. He tried to stop me, but his liquid leash was still tethered to the porcelain post. I ran as fast as my little legs would take me while still attempting to create the illusion of a brisk walk so nobody would be of the worst and follow me to the pile of riches. When I arrived, I was met with an unpleasant surprise. The quarters were gone. How could I have been so stupid? While watching my path on the way in to remember my way back, I had forgotten to make sure nobody had taken my stash. I was crushed. In my mind, Half the pile was already spent. Broken and defeated, I sulked back to the table to eat my fajitas. People who leave nothing but change as tips for servers have a special place in Hell.

Jason, the man in the gutter, and Alex, the man in the stripes, live in the building on the right. Jason routinely forgets the combination to the gate and buzzes Alex to let him in. Alex has had it. He storms down the stairs, throws open the gate, and shoves Jason to the floor, spilling his ice cream in the process. What Alex doesn’t know is that Jason was exposed to radioactive cream cheese as a child which causes him to change in to the Immeasurable Bulk when hes the least bit peeved, let alone blaitently assaulted. The bulk begins to transform. Linda, the neighbor, has seen this transformation before and immediately recognizes it from the destruction he’s caused to her garden the last time he transformed. He trampled he bird feeder, for God’s sake. It was a gift from her brother who died in Afghanistan and was irreplaceable. If he could cause such damage and emotional distress when Starbucks got his order wrong, who knows what could happen this time? Linda lunges at Alex in an attempt to diffuse the situation, but it’s too late. The bulk has begun his transformation. What horrors await the small town of Leeds this time? The man in the back hears Linda’s pleas and begins to run, not even worried about the fate of his friends who left him behind. They didn’t care about him, why should he care about them? All night they had ignored his need of a bathroom. Fortunately for him, the sign of the Bulk relieved him of this need, but created a new one. The need for a fresh pair of khaki shorts.