take care of yourself

~

I’ve been struggling with drinking, and binge eating. I want to drink and drink until I’m numb and today means nothing. Tomorrow means nothing. All we have is right now, and endlessly guzzling liquid poison makes right now feel important and strong.

I’ve been eating so much, it’s comforting and it’s safe and it’s here. Chips are nostalgic, cookies are sweet and lovely. I’ve been struggling with how fucking lonely I feel, all my vices don’t fill the hole but it’s distracting. All I want to do is smoke weed, but it makes me eat endlessly and any control I pretend to have just disappears. Weed feels like a friend, an old friend, but he’s conniving and controlling like the rest of them.

When I think about any of it too much, it makes me want to self harm, I can’t stop thinking about scratching my arms apart. I haven’t self-harmed in so long, it hurts how much I want it.