I know

I know

I should go for a walk

I feel a little sad and desperate

I’m too attached

I’m delusional about her

Anyways

I’ve been thinking about what i actually want

I don’t think I want to have kids

I think that’s a trap my absent father created

I only wanted a child in order to heal my wound

But actually

Imagine us

A house

Just her and me

Maybe a dog

A cat

And/or a bunny

That’s all we need

Unless she really wants kids

If that’s the case

Yes I’m absolutely down

But mostly

I’ll worship her

I’ll live for her

We just focus on having a good time

No empire

Nothing to leave behind

No plan

No expectations

But then I get pessimistic

I think of everything that could go wrong

What if she cheats on me

What if I never find out

What if her heart is not just for me

This is the real world

My friends say

Date multiple girls at once

That way I won’t get too hurt

But I just can’t

I can’t spread my love

That’s not the life I want

I want to be fully her’s

And I want her to be fully mine

Possessive

I wonder if the desire to possess is wrong

She’s not an object

She’s a human

Unquantifiable

We’re all human

I hate when people ask me why I love them

I’ve come to expect you

I desire to be around you

I wanna be a little more like you

You make me happy

And then they ask, why

And I just don’t know

And I worry that I’m a bad person

That I deserve to suffer

I deserve a love so true

I’ve been waiting all my life

A heart so big

Bursting with love to give

Immediately

Like let’s go

Right now

Get in the passenger seat

Or how about I just bring it to you

What do you want?

I’ll study you and soon I won’t have to ask

And that is love

Be the whiny brat you always wanted to be

But bring your loving back to me

Does anybody want this but me

Please wear your seatbelt

I’ll lean over and put it on for you

Every time

I’ll do it softly and carefully

And then let’s live the new life

It’s a sunny day

Where should we go

Can I stare at your face

Can I take photos of you

Don’t worry

I’m extremely sensitive to your micro-expressions

I can tell when you’re not comfortable

I notice the slightest change in your tone

I’ll stop bugging you

I’ll give you space

But just know

I’m committed to you forever

And I want you to feel the same

I don’t believe in an afterlife

This is all we have

Everyone dies at some point

Let’s just have a good time

I’ve lived in too much pain

This life isn’t fair

Let’s take what we want

Unapologetically

I’m building

For this dream

I’m sorry, it’s a slow process

It’s not linear

But I’ll get there

Because everyday of my entire life

I’ve been yelling to the world

It’s gonna peak at around 1:30am-3:30am

I set a reminder in my reminders app

Not sure if i’m actually gonna go out to see it

I kinda don’t wanna be in the middle of a grass field after midnight

We walked around for more than an hour

These streets are very hilly

I’m very winded

Im gonna try to go for a walk tomorrow by myself

This was my first proper meeting with my new case manager

She’s a young pretty lady

My previous case manager was more like a mom

Not sure how I feel about that

I explained a bunch of the things that happened to me in childhood and the past 10+ years

It was good

She asked me if I still wanna move out to support housing

Tbh I don’t want to anymore

But my EPI team put in a lot of work to submit my applications

And I feel guilty about that

Anyways, I’m hungry

I’m gonna ask my mom to make some Pakistani pulao with goat meat

I’m very fortunate and thankful

All in all, things are good

But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop journaling about depressing shit

In fact I already know there’s something I wanna talk about

Yea I’ll just talk about it here but I’ll be quick

In 2017 I was going to adult English 12 because I was preparing for university and I needed at least a C

One day I came home from school and my dad was home

It shocked me to my core

I rejected him instantly

He said he’s gonna sell his businesses in Arkansas and stay with us

I was very angry

My mom said to my dad “I think you should tell him about 2001”

My dad began telling me that when he worked as a taxi driver in BC, someone put a knife to his throat at the YVR airport

It traumatized him and he couldn’t drive anymore

A year later he left the family and moved to Arkansas

He also told me about the reason why he moved to Canada

There was a nasty terror attack on a bus he was in, in Pakistan

Most of the people on the bus and the surrounding streets were shot to death

He and his brother survived

I instantly went from an A student to a C student at adult English 12

I just couldn’t deal with this truth

I wanted to continue to blame him for everything wrong in my life

Sometimes I can’t deal with the truth and choose to forget it

But then years later it resurfaces and everything makes sense in a depressing way

Anyways