Z Journals

I started Vaping dab pens now. I'm high while writting this. I know it's bad, but I've been too curious about weed to not expiriment with it. At first I didn't get much out of it, but I noticed if I get REALLYYY high, it ends up being more fun. I don't really get relaxed, giggly, or happy from weed, but I find the warped reality it gives me entertaining. I think it might relax me a little bit actually.

It's been awhile since I've written. I've just been really depressed. I'm doing better today, but lately, life's just been really hard. I just keep getting overwhelmed and sad and anxious and like I wasn't meant to be alive. I haven't felt motivated.

I think I'm more suicidal than I thought. I had some sort of meltdown the other day where I couldn't stop crying and every muscle in my body felt like it wouldn't stop flexing and all of my senses just felt so uncomfortable. After Vanessa helped me finally calm down, I've just felt really depressed since and I just keep thinking about dying and I feel really tired. I don't wanna do lab or be around other people. Tyler brought his dab pens today so I'll probably hang out with him and do that. I don't know how to feel about tyler anymore. I find myself hanging out with him, but I feel really conflicted about him. I don't really relate to him a lot and will find him irritating and even embarrassing at times. I know he's a good person and that he cares about me a lot, but it almost makes me uncomfortable how much he cares about me. We've known each other since the start of the semester and he already says he cares about and trusts me more than anyone else, and I just don't feel the same way, so it just feels uncomfortable and awkward. All these feelings make me feel like an asshol because I feel like I'm like reading him on platonically, but it's like, I don't mind hanging out with him sometimes, I just don't like him as much as he likes me and I feel like he desperately wants to mean more to me than he does.

I woke up immediately remembering I have school tomorrow and now I feel awfula and anxious. I really wish I could stop going. I keep having thoughts telling me to drop out or kill myself before Monday, but I know I don't actually want those things. I'm not like actively suicidal, not anymore anyway, but I still can't shake that feeling of just wanting everything to stop, and I keep getting intrusive thoughts about killing myself and sometimes it sounds appealing. I know death isn't something I actually want though. I'm glad I at least have counseling tomorrow.

Something I kinda have been noticing lately is that I feel like shit, but I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about it because everyone else seems to feel like shit too. Whether for different or similar reasons I do. I think Grace might be suicidal like I kinda am. I don't really know how to approach that or if I even should at all. I don't think I know her very well to be of much help. She just keeps making a lot of jokes about killing herself when she's frustrated lately. It's kind of uncomfortable, but I don't really know whay to do about it. A lot of my friends seem depressed and upset lately, and I'm no better, so it kinda feels like we all need support that none of us have the energy to give each other right now. It's kins of discouraging how many people aren't doing well right now, and it's kinda hard to tell someone, "Hey, it'll all be okay!" When you don't even fully believe in that for yourself.

I just realized the paper that's due tonight is only worth 5 more points than the quizzes we take twice a week. I honestly might just forget about the work due this weekend and just focus on next week. I don't know if that's smart or not, but I've been stressed and feeling like shit, so I don't l know if I could get the work done regardless. I hate how I don't know what's best for these kinds of things. I've been homeschooled until my second semester of my junior year of high-school, so due dates and time management are all new to mw and things I suck at. When I was homeschooled, things were "due" whenever I ended up finishing them. And later on, my mom stopped checking my work as much, so I didn't even have to do that much. Yet even still, my parents get so upset when I'm behind in school. It kinda pisses me off. Like give me a break, I'm doing the best I can with what you gave me.

I got sick. It sucks. I've still got a lot of work to do. I technically could do homework right now, but I hate working while I'm sick, and I feel really worn out. I'll probably end up working on it later though. I just keep getting fed up with school. It ends up feeling kinda soul sucking. A lot of it is work I hate, and I don't feel like I havr a lot of time to be me. I started to fall out of touch with my theriotype and I've been feeling sad and burnt out again even only really grinding to catch up on homework for about a day. It makes me feel pathetic and lazy. And maybe I am. I just wish I knew how to get things done without feeling miserable. Part of me wants to drop out, but I really want a degree and to pursue music like I've now been able to. Community college is also my only access to in person friends and a decent therapist. I know I'm just depressed, but I keep feeling so stupid for feeling the way I do. It's my own fault I'm behind. What right do I have to keep bitching and moaning about school when I can't even get myself to start the work. It feels so pathetic.

Yesterday actually went really well! Just as I was walking to the vending machines to get a snack before going to the library and thinking to myself "I kinda wish I could study with Grace like last time. I wonder if she's on campus." And just as I was thinking that, I ran into Grace. She asked what I was up to and told her I was about to head to the library to study and she said that she really needed to study, but really didn't want to so she probably wouldn't, so that's when I asked her if she wanted to maybe study together, and she said sure! So we did. We actually got a lot done. More than I probably would working by myself. We talked quite a bit too. I really like how much we have in common. She seems to understand and not understand life like I do.

This isn't to encourage anyone with issues like mine to cope with drugs, but I'm just so frustrated with how no one seems to be able to see all of the horrible things in my head that make me keep resorting to weed to make life less painful. I know it's bad. I know I shouldn't. I'm getting help. What else is there to do?

Well, that was short lived. I ran out of time to get what I needed to get done yesterday on campus, and then after I got home, I rappidly became exhausted. I hate when that happens. Mentally, I really wanted to do things and I felt really motivated, but physically, I just started collapsing, and today much of my motivation is now gone, and I feel slow and sad again. This honestly couldn't have happened at a worse time since I still have papers I really need to write.

I actually feel pretty motivated today dispite how little sleep I got and how I've been feeling lately. I really wanna try and work on my short essay for music history after my classes are over today. I think I could do a good job with it. I'm gonna try and make sure I do it in sections too and take breaks.

I got back from Tyler's Birthday dinner. He and out friends all went to a hibachi place. It was nice. The food was good, and Grace and Lindsey faught over who got to sit next to me which made me feel special. :) I'm glad Grace likes me. She's called me her buddy a few times and that feels really good. I really like Grace. I'm glad I've been getting to know her this semester. I hope we continue to get closer. I felt lonely again after I had to say goodbye to my friends, but me and Vanessa called which made me feel better.