Quackity Wins Annual 'Sexiest Dream SMP Member' Tournament 4th Year in a Row
Poll results from the 2024 Sexiest Dream SMP Member tournament released its unsurprising, if ill-timed results this Wednesday, revealing recently deceased President Alex Quackity H.Q. of Las Nevadas as the winner for the fourth year in a row—every year since the tournament's inception.
Quackity won by a landslide of 69%, with Foolish Gamers as the first runner-up at 11%. Dream Was Taken had received a shocking one vote; when asked for comment, poll runners refused to break anonymity to divulge the identity of this mysterious voter. However, they did elect to mention that the only living person who had not voted was George Not Found, as he was sleeping for the entire duration of the poll's runtime.
Various members of the SMP were contacted by our team to offer their standpoint on their vote, the results, and tournament as a whole.
“I think him winning was a great way to honor his memory, you know? One last big final hurrah. I mean, not counting the, you know... the explosion. That was a pretty big final hurrah,” first runner-up Foolish Gamers remarked. “I voted for him, of course. Pretty surprised I got second place though. Guess my himbo swag is more charming than I expected!”
“Um, I voted for Ranboo, personally. Didn't expect anyone other than Quackity to win, though, of course... he's like, the server sexyman. Probably getting his freak on as we speak, actually," Snowchester President Tubbo Underscore-Beloved said, seemingly under the impression that the man in question was still alive. Once informed of Quackity's passing, he added, “Oh,” and refused to speak further.
Former L'manburg President, current Utah gas station attendant Wilbur Soot commented over Zoom, “You know, in 2020, I didn't get a chance to vote because I was too busy being dead. But you can bet the moment I was outta that grave I put his name down on the ballot and never looked back, though it's been pretty hard mailing my votes in the years since I left. I'm not sure why they even bother, to be honest. The results are never going to change. I can guarantee you he'll win again for the 2025 round. Even though he's dead. God, I always knew we'd come to the same end, that copycat.” His grin faded. “I wish history didn't repeat itself. I thought I left early enough so the poison I brought to this server would stop seeping into everyone else. I never even said goodbye, you know? I thought...” After this point, Soot abruptly turned off his camera and microphone before disconnecting. He never rejoined the virtual meeting, and is no longer contactable by our team.
“Dude, Puffy was right there. Puffy was right there and everyone still voted for Quackity! I don't get it!” bank manager and former Eggpire member Hannah X. X. Rose insisted. “She got fourth place, which honestly isn't too bad for a woman in a server full of men, but come on guys. This thing is so rigged, it was rigged from the start with that ratio. Rest in peace, though, I guess. He was annoying, but, he could slay every once in a while.”
“Yeah, I voted for Quackity,” Captain Puffy, leader of the now-defunct Pro-Omelette Resistance turned vessel for the Egg (prior to its extermination), said. “Could've voted for Niki, but she didn't want me to, and obviously I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. Also, it's just, like, the obvious choice otherwise. Have you been to one of his strip shows? Rest in peace to that fallen diva.”
Quackity's fiancés (when asked for clarification on their marital status, conflicting answers were given, so the writers have elected to retain the fiancé label) both voted for him as well. “When we heard about what happened, it was...” General Sapnap sighed deeply, and paused for several moments before continuing: “Kinoko Kingdom and Las Nevadas are actually right next to each other, so we heard the explosion in the distance, and I geared up and ran there ready to see, like, a nuke or something. But it was Quackity. He looked so small under all that rubble. Compared to how big everything else in Las Nevadas was.”
Another long pause. “Karl's time travelling is limited to eras outside of his lifespan, so it's not like he could've dashed back in 10 minutes early to save him. I regret every second I spent in Kinoko, staring out the window at Las Nevadas in the distance not trying to bring him back. It's a mistake that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Sorry, can you give me a second?”
While comforting his partner, Karl Jacobs said, “I'm ace, but I had to vote for him, obviously. My amnesia took every good memory we had together from me, and turned him into a monster—the not sexy kind, by the way—and by the time it stopped progressing it was too late. But I still look at our old photos together, what we used to have, the look in Sapnap's eyes when he talks about him and about us, and I wonder what could have been. There is one thing I know: in every time I've travelled to, I've fallen in love with two people every time. One of them is familiar and the other one isn't. The next time I go, I'll find him. I have to.”
In the day after the interviews were conducted, the team was approached by a gelatinous green man who was not on the voter's or member's list. He claimed to be named Charlie, and stated that he too had been present at the time of the explosion. “I was Quackity's best friend, just ask anyone from Las Nevadas. Some may call me his successor, his right-hand man, his assistant, his boyfriend, his silly rabbit... someone even called me his son, which was kinda weird, but either way, we were something. And that something was flawed, but in the end I think we were able to make amends. At least, that's what I thought at the time. I was saying goodbye because I was leaving to go travel the world, and as I turned and started walking I suddenly hear this loud 'BOOM' and then I turn around and the entire casino's been exploded. I mean, he was destined to turn to dust either way, whether it was in five years or fifty-five years or five hundred five years, but I admit that was the first time I saw someone turn to dust 'prematurely' and feel something. I think that's what people call 'emotions.' I'm not a people, so I'm not part of the voter's list. But if I was, I would've voted for Mr. Cicle. Now that was a sexy fella.”
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