Zoeilina's

The hardest part is feeling like my own body has betrayed us. Betrayed the dream we wanted so badly. Everywhere I look, people around us are living that dream so effortlessly — announcing pregnancies, building families, stepping into the life I thought we’d have too. And every time it happens, it feels like another crack splitting through me. Another reminder that my body is failing at the one thing I wanted most, the one thing I know you wanted too.

I can feel the distance growing between us, even in the quietest moments. The way you pull away emotionally, the way physical affection feels rare now, like something you have to force yourself to give. I notice every hesitation, every silence, every moment you stop reaching for me. And maybe you don’t realize it, but each one fractures something inside me a little more.

I spend so much time wondering if I ruined everything. If I became too broken, too emotional, too difficult to love. I replay conversations in my head until they blur together, questioning every word, every reaction, every part of myself. I don’t even recognize who I am anymore because all I seem to do lately is cry and second guess my entire life.

I miss feeling wanted. I miss feeling safe with you. I miss believing that even if life hurt, we were still standing on the same side of it together. Now it feels like I’m grieving something that’s still technically here, and somehow that hurts even more.

I wish I knew how to stop feeling like such a disappointment. I wish I knew how to fix what’s breaking inside me before the fractures become permanent

I’m so tired of feeling like I’m never enough. No matter how hard I try, how much love I give, or how much of myself I pour into everything, it never seems to fill the emptiness inside me. I keep pushing myself, hoping maybe one day I’ll finally feel worthy, finally feel like I matter, but instead I’m left feeling exhausted and broken.

I smile when I’m supposed to and pretend I’m okay, but behind closed doors I fall apart more than anyone realizes. I cry quietly, trying to hold together all the pieces of myself that feel shattered. My mind is constantly at war with itself, replaying every flaw, every mistake, every reason I feel like I’ll never measure up.

And lately, even my own body feels like it’s letting me down too. The one thing my heart longs for so desperately feels painfully out of reach, and I don’t know how to carry that grief anymore. It hurts watching life move forward around me while I feel stuck mourning something I can’t control. I keep asking myself why my body can’t give me what I want so badly, why something so deeply desired has become another reminder of how helpless and inadequate I feel.

That pain sits heavy in my chest every single day. It makes the feeling of failure so much louder, like I’m not only failing emotionally but physically too. And the worst part is how invisible it all is. Most people don’t see the heartbreak I carry because I’ve become so good at hiding it behind forced smiles and “I’m fine.”

I just want to know what it feels like to stop fighting myself for one moment. To stop feeling disappointed every time I look in the mirror or think about my life. To stop feeling like I have to earn love, worth, or happiness by suffering for it first.

It hurts to be the one

That had to make the choice

Your life rested in my hands

I had to be your voice

I hope you will forgive me

I had to sever the tie

I knew you wouldn’t leave me

You would never say goodbye

Our bond will never be broken

I know this to be true

And when I leave this earth

I have you to look forward to

For now I can only tell you

That I miss you dearly my friend

I’m learning to smile through the days

But you know it’s only pretend

I still see you when I close my eyes

And feel you through and through

This empty place inside my heart

Can be filled by only you

– Bettina Dice

No family near me, apart from my husband and his family.

The one thing you want, you cant have, so you do the one thing you can.