How Killua lost Alluka (meta)
There is a lot of mystery about Alluka. We leaned about her from Illumi’s POV. Illumi’s POV does not represent Alluka’s full life story. It’s Illumi’s flashback, a description of her “powers”. As an outsider, he gives a superficial glance at the relationship between the siblings. We don’t see how badly Killua suffered when she was forced to kill, discarded and locked up forever. We never learned the whole picture YET. But there are subtle details that shed the light on the family secrets!
In this amazing essay about Alluka’s gender identity, there is a paragraph on Page 16:
Killua has been kept away from Alluka both physically and mentally via Illumi’s needle (Killua states his suspicion of this in chapter 322 on page 3, and it is generally accepted by fandom to be Togashi-sensei’s statement of the reasoning as there is no other explanation offered).
I support this idea wholeheartidly. The needle was inserted most likely before the family photo was taken. In this photo, Killua has dead fish eyes and is docile in the arms of the mother he hates. Alluka is wondering in the background: she is no longer his sister or a part of the family.
Milluki - and later Killua - indicate his love for Alluka as the reason why he was mentally restricted:
Alluka “controls the whole family dynamics”, and Killua may not realise how much his own life was twisted. In additon to the needle, his family probably commited one more crime to separate them.
Does anyone else find it weird that Killua couldn’t remember his age at which he learned darts?
After this panel the chapter ends. And why is Killua confused? What’s the importance of his confusion? Does Togashi want to prove he’s so cool he doesn’t even care? But Killua is smart, good at math and remembers his biography well: he says he started the assasin training at the age of 3, he was sent to Heaven’s arena at the age of 6, and… hey?!
Killua remembers clearly that his training lasted from age 6 to 8. So, his darts course (“6 or 7?”) contradicts the training time at Heaven’s arena (6 and 7). Because Killua is confident about the training period at Heaven’s arena, let’s assume it is correct. This indicates that he mastered darts at the age of 6 and travelled to Heaven’s arena when he was still 6.
Also, there is evidence in Chapter 322 that Killua learned darts before travelling to Heaven’s arena:
After Killua revealed this secret, Alluka was locked up. Later the family considered her too dangerous and decided keep her imprisoned forever… Do you notice the connection now?
I suggest the following chain of events:
Alluka is imprisoned temporarily, then permanently
Killua rebells against this decision in all sorts of crazy Killua ways (incl. su**ide attempt?)
Silva orders to insert a needle and sends him into exile - Heaven’s arena.
The needle was used to tame rebellious Killua and separate him mentally from Alluka. The Heaven’s arena was used to separate him physically from her. This chain of events looks consistent with the timeline. I can add more arguments:
Silva accompanied Killua to Heaven’s arena personally, it was not a guardian brother Illumi
Killua said that he ALWAYS stayed in the Zoldyck mansion and had homeschooling.
There’s no information about other siblings having the same training in the Heaven’s arena
If Killua was gifted a “special training” as a future heir, he could get a high-quality training in a good place, not waste time on average fighters. Killua had to finish training at floor 199 to avoid nen users. This made his studies even more useless.
Killua was a family heir and extremely talented, but he was nenless and too young (6 years old), even younger than Zushi (11 years old), to fight there, wasn’t he?
…or was it the intention to keep him away from home as long as possible? To forget Alluka? Two years is a long time, as was noted by Gon immediately (“That long? Sure, Killua was only 6 but still…”).
All Zoldycks use nen. But Killua never heard of it! The reason of his ignorance is that nen must serve the family profession. But Killua was developing differenty, there was too much “light” inside to create murderous nen (like Illumi’s needles). His kindness was so bright, and his love for Alluka for strong and rebellious, that Silva cancelled nen studies and froze Killua’s mind and heart. He waited coldly and cruelly, when Killua could grow up and have a needle removed without subsequent regression back into his former self.
Heaven’s arena made Killua weak. With a needle in his head, he relearned to become a self-protective fighter who runs away at the slightest suspicion of danger. Without Alluka, he became lonely and insecure. He lost all his mental support.
Silva understood his son’s gentle nature and concealed dark intentions behind “kindness”. That’s why Killua remembers the “training” in Heaven’s arena peacefully. He father looked so generous, gave his son big freedom, a chance to prove himself and earn pocket money. But, in truth, this training was absolutely destructive. Killua hates his mother for what she did to Alluka but he doesn’t bear the same resentment for his father until a much later realization of his crimes.
Luckily, as we know, Killua uses Zoldyck family’s tricks and traditions against them. When he ran away from home and had nowhere to go, he followed the same pattern and applied for the Hunter exam to prove his strength. And then he returned to Heaven’s arena and got a real nen training with Wing and Gon.
Zoldyck children’s names were given by a game of shiritori. Maybe Silva and Illumi went as far as to call Killua “Killu”, because letter “A” refers to Alluka and the memory of her had to be erased in all ways.
In conclusion, Killua probably had a memory vacuum around the darts training time, because this memory had Alluka, while his brain was still unfreezing & occupied with other issues. He remembered Alluka only when it became absolutely necessary to remember. There could be one more reason for Alluka to return to his mind: let’s suggest that the fear of losing Gon triggered traumatic memories of losing Alluka. Possibly, he remembered Alluka first of all as someone dear like Gon, while her ability to heal was a secondary idea.
Alluka was born, when Killua was only two years old. They were together basically since birth. Illumi and Milluki brothers were much older and constantly preoccupied with themselves, so Alluka became his little sister and first friend. In Illumi’s memories Killua and Alluka spend all the time together, they are inseparable.
Alluka was the first human who loved Killua and let him know that love exists. Thanks to her he found the courage to search for love in the outer world. He befriended Gon because they were the same age, but he loved Gon because Gon, like Alluka, was kind. And not only did Gon compensate for Alluka’s absence, he became his lifetime friend, a saviour, and… returned him back to Alluka.
When the manga continues, we’ll have a complete arc about Alluka and Nanika, that will wrap up the Zoldyck family story. Because, after all, Alluka is the one who “rules” this family.
