ziamslvr

why is he so pretty for.

“what’s even the point in pride? i don’t want to know who you’ve got in bed?”

i don’t parade around my sexuality to impose it on others, to ‘force’ people to be queer.

i’m doing it for the 11 year old me who always felt different and weird and couldn’t express why.

im doing it for the 12 year old me who forced herself into having crushes on boys she didn’t even feel attracted to. the girl who knew “lesbian” as an insult.

im doing it for the 13 year old me who had a crush on her best friend and was too scared to tell her, the girl who diverted her attention to boys, promising herself to get a boyfriend by the end of the year so she wouldn’t end up falling in love with a girl. the 13 year old girl who convinced herself she was omni so she could retain a sense of straightness within herself still.

im doing it for the 14 year old girl who realised she was lesbian and cried nearly every night in bed, begging God to not make me who she was. the 14 year old who felt like her identity was a sin. the 14 year old who read 10 pages of the Bible every night, praying to God to make me straight at every possible moment.

im doing it for the 15 year old girl who couldn’t even tell her friends that she was a lesbian, who tried to fit in so hard and to be seen as normal and straight, for the girl who masked all remnants of her true identity to please others. im doing it for the 15 year old girl who apologised to God every day for being too gay. for the 15 year old girl who went into Reconciliation shaking and profusely apologising to the Priest for being lesbian.

im doing it for the 16 year old me who confessed to a friend and it felt like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders, the girl who told all her friends and took pride in what i was. the 16 year old who got into her first situationship with a girl, the girl whose now straight and dropped her for her sexuality despite us both being out as lesbians. the 16 year old girl who could talk about her identity without shame. the 16 year old girl who cried in her friends arms, confessing the guilt she had been plagued with for years regarding her sexuality.

im doing it for the 17 year old me who bought her first lesbian flag, fell in love and had her heartbroken by a girl for the first time. the girl who knows who she is and is happy to talk about it. the girl who’s had slurs thrown around in front of her face, knowing how easily they could be directed at her if people knew. the girl who is still not out to her family, in fear of not being accepted. the girl whose making a short film about lesbianism. the girl who wears a flag badge with pride. the girl who isn’t afraid to speak about crushes in public anymore. the girl who’s found a community of people she belongs to. a girl whose learnt to embrace her weirdness and the sexual identify that makes her stand out from the crowd.