we will rock you

"So, there’s no hope for me then? Am I bound to never ever getting used to them? I’ve got two and half years to and you’ve not even gotten used to them in six!"

[MSG:] I just audibly asked myself if I wanted to masturbate. And then audibly agreed.

[MSG:] Normal people don’t sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours…

[MSG:] Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.

[MSG:] Don’t worry about my [family member]. S/He just hates you because you’re [description], not because we’re fucking.

[MSG:] What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers.

[MSG:] I should have listened to my dad and Mean Girls… If you have sex you’ll get pregnant and die.

[MSG:] Well, fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.

[MSG:] I just folded my boss’s underwear, and I ain’t a maid. I need a drink and a raise.

[MSG:] I can’t remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.

[MSG:] I’m fucking your [family member] right now. 

[MSG:] DIBS ON THE NEW GUY. 

[MSG:] All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I’m not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.

[MSG:] If I banged a coworker last night but didn’t enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?

[MSG:] NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS.

[MSG:] I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.

[MSG:] It happened again…

[MSG:] Broke up with my married coworker… work is gonna get weird.

[MSG:] I’m banned from the zoo.

[MSG:] Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

[MSG:] I’M WEARING A FLAG.

[MSG:] You left your shoes at my place but remembered to take your vodka. I see where your priorities are.

[MSG:] His internet history had “Disney Porn” on it.

[MSG:] Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn’t even gay until five minutes ago..

[MSG:] She said, “I don’t really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me” and I don’t remember anything after that.

[MSG:] Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex.

[MSG:] It’s like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here.

[MSG:] What’s the worst that could happen? I’m already broke and my leg’s already broken.

[MSG:] And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don’t act like I don’t do anything.

[MSG:] I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious.

[MSG:] Even my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser can’t make last night disappear.

[MSG:] I was like, “um, that’s my butthole.”

[MSG:] I don’t know how else to say this, but I think you’re a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I’ll be happier.

[MSG:] Their flight hasn’t even left yet and the ‘buy food to keep yourself alive’ budget is gone on tequila.

[MSG:] Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you.

[MSG:] I’m sensing a Yuletide blowjob in your future and by future I mean tomorrow.

[MSG:] There’s a naked man in my car right now.

[MSG:] I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker…

[MSG:] He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn’t have a test at 8am. It’s really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.

[MSG:] I’m going on a new diet. It’s called the “eat healthy otherwise boys won’t want to have sex with your fat ass” diet. Wish me luck.

[MSG:] As long as you’re naked and covered in glow paint, I’m there.

[MSG:] Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I’ve dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

[MSG:] I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man, I love being a lesbian.

[MSG:] Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.

[MSG:] He’s a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.

[MSG:] I would feel bad that’s he’s locked out naked, but the world should really see that.

[MSG:] This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.

[MSG:] So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.

[MSG:] Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.

[MSG:] You owe me a new pair of boots, bitch.

[MSG:] Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman ever.

I am too, but I’m worse at transfiguration.  Thanks Zev.

Bloody hell I will never be ready in time.

    ” I’ve been here for two months and I’m still not used to the ghosts! Not one bit. How did you get used to them?