Stupidiocy

Midnight Madness

It has always been one moon and I longed for it. Regardless of the phase, it will only be just one moon. Confused? I'm sure you are. Allow me to elaborate.

Countless nights did it take for me to completely heal from the immeasurable amount of trauma I have had from the past. I have since yearned for a peaceful night where I ponder upon hopeful thoughts to cleanse of what's left of the toxins. One night, I asked the universe yet again for one last sign hoping that this time, I'm walking the right path. I made a pact with my demons that this will be the last and should it not work, I'll shut everything out. Since I found my freedom and peace, I have been this brave to gamble once more and for the last time.

Until I met you -- quite unexpectedly but welcomed. You did not come for me, in fact I came for you which is why it was unexpected. I thought I got through with the chase but turns out, it's what I really want. Just like a winter's promise, you were captivating. You alone shine by yourself yet you're unaware. You were dashing and your innocence from it is what made me chase you more, want you more. I liked it. I loved it.

Days, weeks, months passed and at long last, I finally can adore you with my own very eyes. Oh my soul screams to touch you and when I did, I heard my heart sang praises. The kind of song I never heard before. Pleasantly annoying and I love it still.

But each and every time, it has always been one moon. We will meet at the peak of the sun; spend solace together and brace for the moon. If only I can ask the moon to stay longer; to no longer go away. If only I could, I would. But I can only cherish each second the moon gave me with you and I did. I stay awake to remember how you look like beside me. I stay awake knowing your hand will search for mine even in your deep sleep and put your arms around me. I'm glad I stayed awake and tattooed it all in my mind.

In a perfect world [maybe], we may have come through. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to worry so much about time. There'd be no such thing as bad timing because every second is meant and well, perfect. In a perfect world, each encounter is memorable and remarkable. But in a perfect world where all of us are genuinely perfect, we may have never come to be because each person we meet is the perfect fit for us. So, I hope that in a perfect world, we may have come through.

And maybe, I really wouldn't want a perfect world after all. I'd rather worry so much about time. I'd rather be wary about bad timing. I'd rather have odd, ordinary, and uneventful day. I'd rather meet and encounter every imperfect person along the way. I'd rather live in our mundane and imperfect world. Since a perfect world isn't very much different to the world I'm living in.

Where do I start? Let’s go to the roots of this overwhelming sadness. Friends, family and me. Unresolved issues. Inescapable curse. Undeniable truth.

You see, I didn’t grow up in a happy family nor a perfect one. Curated? Yes. I was designed to be perfect. My parents overlooked the fact that I’m flawed. They want a child that they can be proud of because they are not amongst themselves so they brought the burden unto me. Unconsciously? I’ll never know. I never want to know. They never supported me to the true things I like. I’m a sports guy but to them, it’s just a waste of time. I wasn’t given the chance to participate in the school’s volleyball team because to them, I should involve myself more on the bees. Quiz bees. Spelling bees. Math bees. Those kinds of bees. I was deprived of childhood. I never get to play with the kids in our street. I got toys, yes but are strategic and for logical uses like chess, billiards and the such. I learned to starve myself to buy the toys I truly want like beyblades, crush gears, trading cards and the likes. At such a young age, I learned to hide myself to my family because they made me feel the true me shouldn’t surface. I felt I wasn’t welcome. I created my own world. Curated my true self in my imagination, hence my imaginary friend. The only friend I know growing up.

Which brings us to friends. High school were the most exciting years of my life. I get to finally establish connections without any rules. I loved it. I had networks of friends. I easily fitted to all the circle in school. Come college years, I did just fine. But then, a series of tragedies happened. I experienced betrayal which really caused heavy trauma and seriously damaged me. A few years later, it happened again.

I’m seriously at lost. I’m trying to look for answers. Logical explanations that will keep me sane. I’ve been a very good friend. The kind of friend you’ll never hate. The kind of friend that’s always extra. That’s when it hit me. I am the problem. I’m always extra. I’m too much to handle.

It took me 25 years to figure out my friends weren’t really my friends. My demons were never truly gone. My curse? People I truly love will never love me. My family, my friends, the only girl and the boy of my dreams.