Faith, Trust & A Lot Of Fucking Pixie Dust

that it seems like

it is all irrelevantly swept in the

blurry background by now;

Too far and muted, and

unable to wound you.

And yet sometimes you still

find yourself sitting

on that same damned spot,

But this is my go-to whenever I feel something. And when I am happy I am never here. So this is probably my trauma dump place, lol, hi.

Anyways, I was scrolling through tiktok and found these videos of kids spotting their parents in assemblies and had a crying bout for a good 15 minutes because of it.

I remember being always active in extra curricular stuff in school, whether it be singing or dancing or some sport. And my mom used to always attend but then she finds it ridiculous to have to socialize with other parents, & too tedious when she had to wait for the other kids to finish their presentations so most of the time she isn’t there. Aaaaand that’s just me making another excuse for her. 😂

You know when you’re a kid and you have a convention at school and you spent so much time practicing and preparing for it so it feels like it’s your whole life is poured into it?

I know it isn’t just me but, the first thing we look for in the crowd are our parents.

And watching those videos, I am transported back to those memories of me wishing to find my mom at the crowd but never really saw her there. You know that feeling when your heart breaks a little and you start to tear up. Me being me always tries to tough it out, but inside still hoping she’ll come even after the performance.

And yet the show ended and there is no mom. And you disappoint yourself once more. Then you see every other kid at school with theirs. And to add insult to injury — is if they had the audacity to ask you where your parents are, and you just stand there shrugging or making a petty excuse as to why they couldn’t come.

Since then I vowed to myself I would never do that to my kid. That I would always show up no matter how small of a deal it is. Just so they know Mom would always be there for them. Because if I don’t, who will?

And they would grow up to be these broken adults, finding love at the wrong places and loving the wrong people and making excuses for them everytime they fail. I certainly do not want that for my kid.

I was scrolling through this app, looking for a wallpaper, because my fickle head got sick of my milk tea menu wallpaper, but I accidentally came across these:

Immediately I had panic attacks.

You would think these are just one of those romantic wallpapers young people like. But to me these are photos I’ve seen you liked during those times that you missed her.

All the things you could have done together. All the things you felt for her. But could no longer bring to life, all because I was there. I was a hindrance. I was in the way for you both. An inevitable collateral damage.

It is not that I do not have enough love for myself to be unbothered by these — believe me I do.

It just gives me great sorrow to know, deep down that the all the love you had for me could never amount to the love you had for her. I just happened to be present at the time. I just happened to be available. I just happened to be the first one you knew. I just happened to be the mother of your child. But I am not näive to know that if the situation were reversed; had she came before me, had you known her before me, the love between us would never have existed, not even in theory.

And that is what gives me deep sadness because I know that this is the truth. I know you would always tell me that those were all mistakes. But now that I think about it, was it really a mistake? I mean — we all know what you did was wrong but, it wasn’t a mistake, it was a conscious choice. There’s a reason why it’s calles a MIS-take, mistakes are unintentional.

You would always say that you don’t remember anything about it but I think that you only say that to stop me from talking about it. It got me wondering, what if she never changed her mind about you? Would you ever have gone back to me? I think I was just a backup plan. I was never an option, I was just too easy. Just in case she didn’t want you back.

Oh, but I didn’t want you back. Being with you just reminds me of all the hurt you have caused me. It took all of my guts to sit with all these pain, all because I love my son and I would do anything to see him happy, even if it meant that I needed to sacrifice my own happiness.

It pains me to have all these in my head that all it does is show up it’s ugly head on the surface whenever I try to give myself another chance at loving you. It has rooted all the way down to my soul and I do not know how to get rid of it. How can I? When you don’t give me the answers. When I am left to piece myself back up on my own? When you dismiss things that bothers me as soon as I bring them up?

But the truth is they don’t know the uglier sides of it.

When you get cheated on, you never really go back to the person you were before. The fucking thing haunts you. And sticks to you like a disease. Forever.

You become this total stranger whom you seem to never really fathom. Unable to give love and resistant to receiving love. Unable to trust and believe in things you’re pretty sure you had so much belief in before.

It changes your perspective. You don’t know what’s real and what isn’t anymore. Like navigating yourself from a third-person POV. You become this empty shell with a missing soul. Still, you try to keep up with the world cause it’s not gonna wait for you.

You have so much anger and sadness inside you that you know is enough to make you clinically insane.

And just when you start to think you’re moving past all of it and is actually starting to be happy for once in a long while, sometimes the remission hits so bad randomly, you’re back to that space inside your head with all the pain in your chest, where you’re curled up in a tiny ball, helpless and abandoned and the next thing you know, you’re back to square one. PTSDs and anxiety included.

How you like the cold weather so much cause it reminds you of lovely childhood memories.

And that November is your favorite month of the year.

How your things are all over the place but you still manage to know their exact whereabouts until somebody puts them back in their place.

How you love Titanic so much.

Small remarkable stuff like that cause they pay attention.

When you don’t have to remind them what day it is because they’d never miss a thing about you.

When you’d actually forget when your birthday is, but they would never…

When they hear a song and it reminds them of you.

When they send you love letters cause they know you like corny shit like that.

Steal candid photos of you, because they think you are pretty in that angle…

When they start taking interest in photography, just because they know how much you are into it…

When they start reading books you might’ve quoted a while back…

When they never take off the bracelet you gave them…

Wake you up too early just so you could watch the sunrise together.

Sneak out wee hours just cause you wanted to get some random Chinese takeouts

Chill on the roof just so you could watch and take photos of how pretty the moon is…

Bathe in the rain cause anything that doesn’t make sense makes a lot of sense with them…

Stays up all night together playing silly video games just cause you’re having too much fun with them…

Plans trips out of the blue just because they want to build memories with you, in every place…

Never have to force to remind you that they love you…

Pick a random flower from the sidewalk to give you just because…

Hugs you when you’re sad and tells you everything is okay even if you lie and tell them you are okay when you’re not…

When it doesn’t matter being broke, cause you both know it will always get better with them by your side…

The only thing you can think about losing them is if they actually die before you…

Knows how unattractive you can be sometimes, but it wouldn’t matter anyway…

Doesn’t matter if he is religious or not, but prays to God anyway and tells him about you all the time…

Won’t give you a chance to make you feel like you are inferior to other girls he could most likely be interested with, or even let you compare yourself to them in the slightest bit…

When they would change the way they dress, the things they like, get interested in particular things, because they know you like that. When they are them because of you…

When they’d rather die than see you hurt…

Can’t bear the thought of losing you,

It’s just out of boredom during idle times at work and I am too lazy to start up on a new series, besides I think it’s interesting to watch human behavior. I don’t know about you, but for me *hands up* that is.

I think that it is funny that people expect to find love in the most absurd places, (—like a reality dating show on national tv 🥴) I am not biased but I feel like anyone could act on camera especially with the money thrown into the pit.

Anyways, as I was going further into the episodes and people are starting to get deeper into coupling dramas and all. I realized that reality shows are kinda like this world —but smaller and restricted. You meet different people and try finding love with them. And that people, more commonly among MEN, would turn their head as soon as they find someone new, pretty and interesting, anyone who piques their interest even if they’ve already told the person that they’re currently coupled up with, that they are pretty much settled with them, made them feel special and irreplaceable.

These men will test the waters as much as they can. Well don’t get me wrong, I know they’re supposed to do that ‘cause it is a reality tv show after all, but my point is that, if you aren’t really sure about someone yet, you could just be upfront about it, instead of lying and telling them nice things to their face and then completely doing a 180° when talking to someone else and leading them on, hurting their feelings and shit. How is it so hard for people to be honest with their feelings?

I should probably find a new series to watch though. 😂

Early mornings to end my work routine.

The pristine gale of morning breeze as it gently swings against your skin,

I have always loved the way the sunlight chases the darkness of the evening clouds away and paints the sky with all it’s prismatic glory,

Always keep your inner child soul intact🍒