4RacoonsInATrenchcoat

He's already so unstable. Being shown firsthand proof the humans want to leave?

thank you for your wet sticky note pad

Oh you guys argue about yellow boys

She saving on my daylight until it's time

I'm trusted in the sense that I can't be trusted

I am lost in white boys right now

Oh how long is five minutes

How many dads do you have and how many of them are white

(a teacher, about a field trip, during Ramadan) And for everyone fasting, we will provide halal hotdogs

Oh she put her tacket on the jable

Yeah, I saw you LICK a condom wrapper!

Bilingual corndog???

He would rip the spine out of your skull

the journals unionize? what?

Chicken nugget of agony

Shake a poor sinners dreads

God's got my bones???

Death Via bongwater

The mold's getting to your bores

If I could apply to be a grammar nazi, I would have made a grammar auschwitz by now

P1: Yeah but you're not...

P2: I'm Asian

P1: I thought you were muslim? Or, uhhh, what's it called?

'I'm not a kinkshamer' says the most kinkshaming person I know lmao

P1: OMG Big Bird has a family?!

P2: Well, if all the versions of Big Bird are cousins, obviously he has to have a family

My socks are clean you schizo!!

Just two gays in a fag off

Twig vs Twig

P1: Where is the n**** that shot JFK?! Why have we not hired him!?!

P2: I'm pretty sure he's dead

P1: WE SHOULD HAVE HIRED HIM LIKE TWO YEARS AGO

God can you imagine, Deadpool assassinating the president

The next Deadpool movie is just him taking out Trump

P1: I have the biggest boner rn

P2: The biggest graphic design boner?

P1: YES.

Let me drink my coffee! You can mess around with my face as much as you want AFTER my coffee.

Secret third option: giving up

We love being able to feel your organs. You can already always feel your bones, it's just a squishier version of bone.

He doesn't deserve to be white??

Fuck my stupid baka life

words only harm you if you can read

community fruit punch

glory hole fruit punch

you're apple juice is made out of apple juice

I'm vibing with the triangular milk

You're just saturating him, you're just gently dipping him in the deep fryer

why are you fingering my ponytail

I miss my blue hair, I don't miss my pronouns

P1: I need more pronouns

P2: go buy some, dummy

I need to put you on death row

P1: I don't know, if it's a feather boa it should be longer

P2: Maybe it's for a really short drag queen

That's not even nice anymore that's just a tapeworm

well at least she doesn't yell your house from across your name- no wait

You want me to gas these bitches like Auschwitz

Oh, it's February! I didn't even realize, it's been January for like a month, no wait - *laughter* You know what I mean! You know what I'm trying to say, right!

oh yeah lemme just listen to some cervix

Yeah, but unfortunately for you, I'm medicated now

why is he squaring up like popeye

I think that my brain is moldy

I love yourself

Tom Sturridge's voice *breathless wheezing* just reaches into your brain, and just, grabs it and yanks it

I wasn't asking if you were the father! You were like, it's head is big so it's smart, and I said what does that say about you, small head?!

I'm trying to trust the process, but the process isn't trusting ME

Oh, how lonely it is to be a god

Child of divorce, DND addition

P1: I also have bones.

P2: And I would love to jump them, but-

Damn wench, I didn't know you were freaky like that

*Slams heavy construction-grade boot down on the chair* THIS is the kind of shoes I wear! I don't want your feeble skin as my shoes.

Whore! Slut! How dare you show your hair, you wench! It's like a Victorian woman showing her ankles

So what if he's a serial killer, he's fine. That's just a quirk. Mind your own damn business!

He's schizophrenic, but he's perfectly fine! That's just a personality trait. It's just a quirk. He's finnneeee. There's nothing wrong with him.

Sometimes things are great because they're shitty (about the fish spinning to funky town extended for 10 hours)

I know nothing, I see nothing, I have no brain

Shut the fuck up you zest fest

Commander skittle squadron

Guys, I just squirted in the juice

Why does the wolf smell like BACON

Why are you touching everything like a predator in a preschool

If I had muscles I'd pick you up like a bag of barrels

How do you racially profile bread

You nuclear nuking little girl

I look like a bear, I need to hibernate

I love teaching this class, you never know what you're going to see. And right now, Brandon is tied to a chair.

What's her name, the pink sonic, Ashley? (It's Amy)

You're just jealous because no one will eat you

P1: You can't bbq me anymore!

P2:Yes I can, I'm also a minority

Why did you just caress me like a PE teacher

When you get so frustrated you need to TikTok dance

Me: I quote you a lot on Tumblr

Friend: It's bc I'm insane and unmedicated ( @yourlocalfunkyjester )

Can you imagine that's how it worked? Dynamic pricing based on 'I don't like you'

Gasp you autism is canon?!

Y'all match each others autism so well

I always forget 9 is a number. Every time I'm counting I used to skip over 9 because I forgot it was a number

Mystical magical pregnancy tests

I'm being segregated

one thing you guys need to understand, I am white! You guys will never know the pain what it's like coming out of a hot shower looking like a baked lobster

P1: "what's your first period?"

P2: "Math with M. Teacher"

P1: "can you imagine a child and your last name is Teacher?"

P2: "You'd HAVE to become a teacher then"

someone was bullying my little sister (freshly 14), and she like, took a piece of glass and stabbed them. So she's going to jail rn

Death row, immediately. no retrial

Teacher: 'Are we friends' I'm 46, kid, how old are you

Student, reluctantly: …17

Teacher, scoffing: You got some growing to do

That's not racist, that's just a statement

And like, Repo The Genetic Opera on my ass *yelling into the open* all of my organs are MINE! You can't have any!

Yeah, [our school] accounts are crazy at finding students

+ Yeah, [our school] Christian association started following me on insta, which is weird bc I'm not Christian

Segregated photoshop

Rizzin' with the 'tism

Not even a queen, not a king, at LEAST a court jester. A malnourished court jester

My bones! My bones hurt all the time! Why, what have I done to you :(

Custom! As long as you pick from these 7 sizes

I would be more afraid of the Duolingo bird in my apartment than a serial killer. Hold a knife to my throat, I'll still be cracking sex jokes. I see the Duolingo bird on the street? Screeching U-turn, slamming down on the gas. Any pedestrians will have to rely on the grace of their gods.

I don't know how to make the noises. It's in Spanish, I don't know how to make the Spanish noises

[With genuine interest] I need to know how that happens. Like, what are the mechanics of that? What process did he go though. I need to see this whole thing, start to finish. (about the man who fucked a manatee)

My snakes are tongue

Elegance, grace, and tits in your face - @yourlocalfunkyjester

P1: Yeah, shut your mouth, faggot (affectionate)

P2: Bold words from the black man

Hey, make your characters better at crying

That'll add to her story, her dad's dead, she has cancer…

It's the poor people of France. It is! They literally live in a hole

*A full hour and a half of listing things they have eaten that they really shouldn't have, including various chemicals* "And you know what's crazy, I have an iron deficiency."

+ "Yeah I've had all of this, but I've never had any pork before, lol. Yeah, like, I've eaten hydrogen peroxide, but never, like, pork or anything"

Bro's paragraphing in the comments section

Oh! I'm stupid, there's only 12 months in a year.

I'm sorry to inform you that brown people can also get skin cancer. Do you want melanoma??

There's already so much shit going on in my life, I don't really care if I get skin cancer

P1: "You got orange juiced!"

P2: "Jizzed"

P1: "ORANGE JIZZED"

Pennywise is Drake confirmed

Pennywise is such a cutiepie

This is why the kid is getting bullied, I assume

P1: Is it shrimp?…what's it made out of?

P2: …SHRIMP. WhAt Is ThE sHrImP mAdE oUt Of? Fucking Shrimp!

P1: Guess who the pickle was. *Sing song voice* Barack Obama~

P2: Barack obama can sing?!

I've never been smart a day in my life, and honestly, life is a lot easier that way. A lot less stress.

That's probably why your back hurts, little miss scoliosis!

*in a very fake Irish accent* S isn't a vowel, is it?

As delicious as this is, you can taste where I went wrong

P1: If you're still gay, I have something to show you later (on my phone)

P2: ...what the fuck do you mean 'if I'm still gay'?? What am I going to be? Sorry, I'm not gay anymore, I'm a fascist, actually. The fuck??

P1: Are you scared of brain-eating amoeba?

P2: Well, a lot of people I know don't have much brains to offer

P1: Burger King x Ronald McDonald, with Ronald as the top

P2: Y'know jesters work FOR the king, right?

P1: Yeah, and now he's working IN the king too

P1: The drawer hurt me!

P2, in a completely deadpan voice: Domestic abuse via drawer

P1: "As long as it doesn't bother the people with OCD then it's okay"

P2: "And who cares if your shirt comes undone"

My imaginary friend is Jeremy, what's yours? ADOLF HITLER!

P1: "Double it and give it to the next person"

P2: "Double your GAY and give it to the next person??"

P1: "Yeahhhh"

You're autistic AND gay! You're a nightmare to interior design!

I love Hozier! That funky little bog man has my soul in a chokehold

I fucking hate that felt-faced freak (about a French puppet pineapple)

My baseball playing dad snooped through my yarn

When two chairs love each other very much…

I don't wanna read French I have a headache. I don't wanna HEAR French, I have a HEADACHE!

*Teacher walks in wearing a Boston Bruins jersey, immediate sounds of booing*

P1: When I say skin color I mean my skin color (brown)

P2: can't really argue with that

P1: "I'm not going to give you the context, I'm only going to say one thing, FUCK women"

P2: "That's probably the right thing to say to the lesbian"

Ciel hasn't even entered the chat yet and we're using his name in vain

Pass the gauntlet or get cancer

Oh yeah, sorry I killed you, at least you're alive now

Yeah, you have to be a good classmate, and donate your liver

P1: "You should eat, oranges! Orange slices"

P2: "How is that going to help?"

P1: "The power of- the power of-"

P2: "The power of vitamins?"

P1: "The power of Asians"

First word, happening to be a bad one. Very first word of the day.

Bro got leukemia and dipped, like I never met him, my dad never met him

P1: "Give him a hot chocolate"

P2: "He'll die if he has a warm drink-"

P1: "Then give him cold chocolate??"

P2: "You mean chocolate milk?"

What is the up guys *arms crossed, peace signs*

P1, very aggressively: What does you law teacher tell you guys every day?!

P2: Have a good day, stay in school, don't do drugs

P1: And what did you do?

P1: I'm having a bad day, I've been skipping school, and I'm on drugs

P1: "hey white people"

looks of confusion at the one brown member

P2: I'm not white?

P1: Oh. well you're an honorary white. a half-white

P2: Half-white! I have partial rights now.

somebody in this hallway smells like tomato soup

give him a room temperature lemonade

nobody's gonna mug me for my glasses, they're from Walmart!

Art kid (derogatory)

If grandma is racist can grandma be racist on facebook

No it was music sent from GOD when I found the scorpion. It was telling me I was going to die

*Calmly listens to msub whimper audios in the middle of class, locked in on math sheets*

Singing Gaston in perfect key, loudly in the hallway

Maybe Saladfingers's autistic son

Hashtag free your mom

P1, a lot louder than he should have been: "The robot! saw the kid jacking off!"

P2, in a tired sort of quiet: "Yeah, that sounds about right"

P1: "My donuts dead"

P2: "What"

P1: "My milkshake is dead."

Donuts make me nut

If you do that one more time, I'm going to turn you into a pickle jar

Cross breeding turnips

P1: "I don't like how that's shaped. It's shaped a little too suggestivly"

P2: "It's a fucking radish"

Is vibrainium used to create vibrators? That's why it's called vibrainium

pp is irrelevant

I wanna eat your phone screen

I can change my gayness flavor

Dumbo, affectionately

P1: "What's up straights, gays and Asians

P2: That's crazy, what's up jew

You're out of your 'normal' pills (adhd meds)

He didn't lose a braincell he lost the entire brain

So throughout the game he kept going 'you don't want my chunky dick?'

I do not care about your bowl movements

No one cares about your asshole

Strawberry twink

He would taste like strawberry mochi

It would look like someone exploded

P1: Those tasted like my gandmas house

P2: why are you eating your grandmas house

P1: "My grandpas not dead. The other one is, but this one isn't"

P2: "Give him time"

Teacher: yeah that's right! lower your head in shame! lower! lower!

Student, doing a walk of shame for overdue work: any lower than this and I'll be crawling!

Quebec French just, SOUNDS like they're cursing you out

This guy's hiding the fact that he, like, ties a kite to his phone

I was just going to say he has really child bearing hips

P1: "Debrah (a rifle gun) would be happy"

P2: "What's debrahs beef with me"

P1: "She doesn't like you because you've used her one too many times lol"

P2: "…is that a terrorist joke?"

P1: "yeah"

P2: "haha okay cool just checking hahaha"

Please lets refrain from calling teachers twinks

P1: "Guatamala"

P2: "That says Gujrat"

P1: "Guatamalaaa"

P2: "I guess I'm guatamalan now? lol"

P1: "Yeah you're guava"

P1, to P3: Yeah, well, I'm not Indian P2, distracted by his phone: You mean Indigenous P1, gesturing to P3, who is Indian: No I mean Indian P2, not looking up: Yeah, the proper term is Indigenous P1, aggressively gesturing to P3, who is waving awkwardly: No, I mean INDIAN P2, finally looking up: OHH! I thought you were talking about Indigenous 'Indian'! My bad, my bad.

what the hap just fuckened

P1: "Drank perfumes?"

P2: "What?"

P1: "All I heard was you went to bath and body works to drink perfume"

Do you know how balls deep I need to be in a story to be effectively begging my screen to kill off a character?

That is the sauciest look I've ever seen someone give me

Because when they're going out to no-mans land that what they're thinking, 'I want a really nice tank, very visually pleasing tank, I don't want that Mark One'

"Yo, FUCK him I'd smash his mom"

+ "Yeah and after we're done I'm going to look him dead in the eye and say 'I fucked your mom'"

P1: "Thank you for violating my (oc) characters"

P2, in an uncomfortably eager voice: "I can violate them even more if you want"

"It's the cummie water from school" sips "oh yeah, that is cum"

"Where did you get these genes from"

*looks down at his jeans* "Old Navy?"

"and he goes 'My body is my resume!' and takes his shirt off, and I showed it to my manager because I had no idea what to say"

They literally pickled a baby! (in reference to Ares mythology)

You can either be gay or funny, choose one

I identify as out of this-world

The G in LGBT stands for God

OoOoh, I don't know what I did, but I am learning SO MUCH.

Dionysus is his tumor then!

This is my tumor, he's a drunken little shit who we decided to banish to earth for a while

Blowjobs, for anyone who isn't a sex worker, should be called blowhobbies

What do you call two Jewish stoner in a car? A gas chamber

It's not because you're a rabbit, it's bc you're black!

I inhaled a piece of cheese and it won't get UNINHAILED *coughing*

Who needs their liver anyway

We're the testicles

Why did you give me that look? You look like a child seeing their father for the first time after getting the milk

UM NO. I think that's YOU little miss toe-socks

Even your writing looks dyslexic

Lycan we're both failing math, I don't need this right now.

Reverse racism, but not like, in a racist way

I'm a neo-nazi now. I'm the first black nazi.

Obama?! Somebody killed Obama?!

You look-you drank like, cumshot water! (bc the school water in his bottle was murky and kinda white)

Penguins and sex. That's what's happening.

Meemaw?! You think Meemaw serves cunt?!

My friends are starting a petition to put me down.

P1: "I want your kids"

P2: "sorry I don't share my food"

Your racist towards the ender dragon!

I'm sure anyone would be turned off if you finger their bellybutton

Mathew! stop fingering their hole! Don't finger his nipples!

P1: "ooh spoiler"

P2: "how do I spoil homelessness??"

P1: You liking your nuts?

P2: "I love my nuts everyday"

What do you mean 'that's what they want us to think'?? Are you telling me Walt Disneys death is a conspiracy??

That's very straight of you, Grey.

Coming from a straight man, that's the only thing he's allowed to say

My autistic romance

Are you…a radish

Why do you have Edward Cullen ai pictures

Edward Cullen dressed up as Patrick with SpongeBob

Are snakes just sperm worms?

P1: Then what gives you rights?

P2: "I'm a white colonizer"

[coy] Oh nooo, don't colonize me, you're so sexy, ahaha

Honestly, Dutchie sounds like a slur.

P1: Go back to your country!

P2: "telling a white person to go back to their own country is crazyyy"

Your EYEBROWS are dead??

No please don't finger my computer

Oh my god it's unicorn sperm

I don't think you want to fuck pigs

I swear to god someone came in the water tank

Did you just say you nutted in a kindergartener?!

+ "no he said he nutted in a bag of jellybeans and gave it to a kindergartener"

You have a butthole with lipgloss on it lol

P1: "Oh yeah lemme just pull a tablet out of my ass to play cookie run kingdom"

P2: "Why do you have a tablet up your ass"

[struggling to eat shawarma] "i imagine this is what sucking dick is like"

Well sue me for forgetting that you don't have an organic dick

How long is 20cm?

P1: "12:00 dosn't seem like a real time"

P2: "YOU don't seem like a real time"

Yes Lycan, we know you're Lycan.

AHH boobs! [fearful]

I am 637 words into this vore