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THE TIMELINE VERSION 4

Behold, I have solved fiction

IT IS FINALLY HERE. MY TRUE MAGNUM OPUS. I HAVE TRULY SOLVED FICTION.

Split version:

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coldgoldlazarus

Metroids Per Hour

sablegear0

Legit question for rural Zebesians – How do I kill the 30-50 feral metroids that run into my yard within 3-5 mins while my small kids play?

zekeram

Grab a a few industrial-grade tanks of liquid nitrogen, a few meters of space-grade hose, and a similarly space-survivable nozzle from Space Home Depot. Hook a tank up to it and you can just spray them if they get too close. Ideally, you could shove em in a capsule and release them somewhere less catastrophic (I think there's an effort to set up a wildlife preserve for them in the Brinstar Jungle?) but with those numbers it's life or death. Ice alone won't kill them, it just makes them vulnerable.

A basic blaster won't be enough, either. I've heard that bullets are surprisingly effective, though, but like everything else you need that will not come cheap since you'd need both the gun AND the specific type of ammo the gun uses. Also get some ear protection too, bullets are WAY louder than blaster shots.

Hope this helps!

#metroid

I have recently made it my mission to make the Metroid subreddit actually funny with silkposts. Here's the ones I've made so far.

#thoughts #metroid #I went out of my way to describe all the jokes in the image descriptions and I really hope that doesn't like ruin the joke?#but regardless if you want to know what the jokes are read the alt text

zekeram

the tallon metroids in the prime trilogy always make me so sad. poor babies are so malnourished that they stop eating you after a little bit to digest and then they instantly grow in size

usually I avoid killing as many as possible and if I have energy to spare I'll let them have the first decent meal they've ever had in their life

zekeram

On a related note, Samus probably thought she was dead meat finding that single tallon metroid in research lab aether without the ice beam. Probably confused that she was somehow still able to kill it regardless. Or that they're so small. A normal metroid is easily the size of a larger dog, but tallons start out the size of the Morph Ball.

Ah, but-- phazon, right. Surely that explains all the discrepancies. Just one of many monstrous mutations. At least I assume she told herself that for the rest of the prime saga.

I wonder, though, if on SR388 with the hatchling excitedly tailing her and chirping at her and flying around her head like a little jelly-fly, she recalled the lowly tallon metroid. The caged beast with a deflated membrane, with yellowed teeth and recessed gums. The bioweapon that periodically stopped the hunt to digest the comparatively massive amount of sustenance it received. The indestructible monster whose so-called invulnerability managed to atrophy. The lab rat who was endlessly experimented on and twisted into whatever form the poison desired.

Seeing a metroid so innocent and happy, did she remember, with new perspective, the ones who only knew suffering?

#thoughts #metroid #forever peddling my ''tallon metroids aren't a subspecies they just have every disease'' agenda #it's crazy how pretty much every difference they have from vanilla metroids #ultimately doubles as a red flag for animal rights violations #really emphasizes that they're just animals being exploited by people that don't care for their wellbeing

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the tallon metroids in the prime trilogy always make me so sad. poor babies are so malnourished that they stop eating you after a little bit to digest and then they instantly grow in size

usually I avoid killing as many as possible and if I have energy to spare I'll let them have the first decent meal they've ever had in their life

#thoughts #metroid #imagine underfeeding your bioweapon so badly that they have to pace their endless hunger for life force #so they don't get a tummy ache

shuuda-arts

Samus Aran (Metroid Zero Mission)

A while ago I dumped the models from Prime 4 with the help of a friend.

God has given me too much power

#thoughts #metroid #sylux #sylux metroid #mp4 #metroid prime 4 #I have a bunch of other models too and it's cool

IMAGE_FRAUD

#thoughts #deltarune

AM2R was cowardly for making frozen enemies obey gravity actually. Commit to the physics defying nonsense. It's way less interesting to look at it and say "nah it makes more sense if they just fall" than it is to say "the ice beam freezes things not just physically, but also spatially relative to the nearest major gravitational anchor. There is a known issue where it cannot recognize faux-gravity caused by centrifugal force and several chozo warriors have had a brief moment of confusion as their prospective platform lazily drifted backwards into the floor when on a spacecraft that uses that sort of thing."

#thoughts #metroid #WAITER WAITER MORE TECHNOBABBLE IN MY SCI-FI PLEASE #Like come on imagine how cool it would be to take advantage of that in a game #the coolest and nerdiest way to artificially limit the player

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gentle-hero-blog

I put all me seguru that shinesparking wasn't actually intentional in-universe. the speed boost storage thing was probably an inertia dampener designed to keep the sudden stop from mach fuck from killing you, slurping up all that kinetic energy and bleeding it out safely, but then some lunatic overclocked their thrusters with it and made a neat imprint of their body on the wall

Samus first witnessed the concept of shinesparking on her favorite science show, Mythblasters (and then promptly tried it out, followed by a stern talking-to from Gray Voice)

zekeram

This is true. She then proceeded to forget all about it for 14 years until being suddenly reminded by the dachoras and then agonized for the next 15 minutes over every time she could've used it in Zero Mission

I also imagine a few iterations of the speed booster down the line maybe they did turn shinesparking into an intentional feature and gave it some nifty bells and whistles (giving you more than a quarter-second to aim your charge, letting the speed booster immediately kick back in if you can transition back into a run, making it not bleed energy off of your suit, etc. etc. creating a nifty diegetic parallel to how the item evolved mechanically)

Especially since you look over at Raven Beak and he has a version of the Speed Booster that's just the shinespark like some sort of evil fucked-up mario that can only long-jump backwards

#thoughts #mostly inspired by hoiks from terraria with this...#glitches-turned-features my beloved #god raven beak's addon suite is deranged #I love that you can at least recognize a good half of his moves though

Glue!

#thoughts #utdr #deltarune #deltarune chapter 5 #dr chapter 5 #deltarune chapter 5 spoilers #dr chapter 5 spoilers

gayweeddaddy69

why do you hate swifties so much

because they aligned themselves with the treacherous count dooku

nanaosdailylife

be careful crossing the street nanao, i don’t want anything bad to happen to you and hurt you

Cars don’t hurt me anymore.

you ever think about how weird it is that early metroid works had a smattering of non-humans in the federation that have all but been phased out but they keep adding more species of space pirate.

you ever think about how weird it is that the chozo are hyper-advanced and made the very power suit samus uses, but every chozo warrior besides raven beak that we see uses fucking spears and has significantly less powered-looking armor with no sign of any identifiable suit upgrades being used (like not even the fucking morph ball)

you ever think about how we never see any species that have been used in space pirate context (i.e. ridley and kraid's unnamed specieses) outside of said context.

you ever think about how weird it is that the manga affirms ridley is fully sapient and capable of speech but the only time after its release that we see a hint of that in the games is a hypothetically-missable cutscene in zero mission of ridley just kinda perched at the helm of the space pirate mothership and other than that he still just kinda roars about like an animal.

#thoughts #metroid #nintendo try not to be concerning #in a way that's just explicit enough to feel glaringly obvious if you look for it #but just subtle enough to make mainstream fans get defensive when it's brought up challenge (IMPOSSIBLE)

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I think if they make another Doom movie it should be like Willy's Wonderland in the sense that the demons want it to be a horror movie but Doomguy's a hardcore action movie protagonist and his very presence causes a genre shift

the first part of the movie would be really tame about it and would be pretty much the doom 3/knee-deep in the dead/vaguely half-life vibes part where it's the immediate fallout of the Hell invasion, and doomguy's whole deal is fighting his way out and he doesn't have that full genre sway yet, the demons clearly get to him psychologically and even an imp or two is a life-or-death encounter

then you adapt sweet little dead bunny with a daisy death scene. get a full-blown last-act-of-the-horror-movie style version of the first part of the song (the part with the melody) and frame the whole thing like it's the end of the horror movie and the monsters are about to fuckign get the protagonist as doomguy's just sorta frozen there in his grief. and then you interrupt it at like the last couple notes with the heaviest grungiest metal-iest cover of the second part of the song ever fucking conceived as doomguy truly becomes the guy from doom and just fucking tears every single demon in the room to shreds, even with his bare hands at one point, and then for the rest of the movie doomguy is on the offensive and his very presence in a scene changes the genre

final battle is with the spider mastermind and when doomguy gets the upper hand for good in the fight it switches to that cool first person shit they did in the first doom movie and then they re-enact the doom 2016 spider mastermind kill

#thoughts #doom #in the soundtrack both parts of swldb are their own songs #this one's been sitting in my drafts for MONTHS

coldgoldlazarus

Fic idea: Samus vs a Dalek

zekeram

the cold steel and warm flesh of malice and hatred vs the cold steel and warm flesh of love for all creation

#ooohhhh THIS was the post wasn't it #the one the person who reblogged my chozo tech gushpost was talking about

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