King of Zebras

“Did you just catch that?”

I like that the batter actually looks impressed

HEY! YOU! STOP SCROLLING FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND AND LEMME TELL Y’ALL ABOUT THE MIRACLE THAT IS KNOWN AS AFRICAN BLACK SOAP.

YOU SEE, ONCE UPON A TIME, I HAD THE WORST ACNE IN THE FUCKIN WORLD. LIKE, IT WAS LITERALLY PAINFUL. I SHIT YOU NOT,I WAS LITERALLY MORE ACNE THAN ACTUAL FACE. I HAD BOUGHT ALL THE FUCKIN 80$+ ACNE KITS, YOU KNOW THE ONES. YOU SEE EM’ ADVERTISED IN INFOMERCIALS ALL THE GODDAMN TIME BY FOLKS WHO HAVE NEVER HAD ACNE A DAY IN THEIR GODDAMN LIFE. WELL, NONE OF THEM WERE HELPING. AT ALL.

I WAS JUST BEGINNING TO ACCEPT THAT I WAS DOOMED TO BE PIZZA FACE UNTIL MY 30’S WHEN I WAS INTRODUCED TO THIS MIRACLE PRODUCT BY THIS HIPPIE-ASS FUCKER I KNEW. SHE CLAIMED THAT IF I USED IT IN PLACE OF FACE WASH, IT WOULD CLEAR ME RIGHT UP, NO SHIT. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I WAS MORE THAN A BIT SKEPTICAL. AFTER ALL, WE HAD SPENT LITERALLY HUNDREDS ON MIRACLE ACNE REMEDIES THAT DIDN’T FUCKING WORK, SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD THIS SHIT? IT WASN’T EVEN FUCKING MEDICATED! BUT I FIGURED I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE, SO I WENT FOR IT.

WELL, LEMME TELL Y’ALL. I WAS WRONG. SO FUCKING WRONG. 

WITHIN A WEEK, HALF OF MY ACNE WAS GONE. WITHIN THREE, I HAD THE CLEAREST SKIN I’D HAD SINCE I WAS A YOUNG CHILD.

PEOPLE NOW ASK ME ALL THE FUCKING TIME WHAT MY SECRET TO CLEAR SKIN IS, AND I TELL THEM ALL ABOUT THIS BEAUTIFUL SHIT. IT WORKS MIRACLES, AND IT DOESN’T FUCKING BURN YOUR EYES IF YOU GET IT WITHIN TWO INCHES OF THEM, UNLIKE TRADITIONAL ACNE CREAMS DO. AND THE BEST PART? IF YOU ARE LIKE ME AND HAVE SENSITIVE-ASS SKIN, AND/OR IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO A LOT OF THE SHIT OUT THERE, THIS STUFF IS ALL NATURAL, AND SUPER GENTLE. SERIOUSLY. I’M PRETTY SURE YOU COULD RUB THIS SHIT IN YOUR EYES IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO, BUT I HAVEN’T FELT INCLINED TO DO THAT.

WHAT’S THAT? YOU HAVE DANDRUFF AND NONE OF THOSE FANCY-ASS SPECIAL SHAMPOOS HAVE HELPED? WELL, YOU BEAUTIFUL FUCKER, YOU’RE IN LUCK, BECAUSE THIS SHIT CLEARS THAT UP TOO! 

GOT PSORIASIS? ECZEMA? NO PROBLEM!  NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS ARE ANY MATCH FOR THIS SHIT!

My face! OoO!!!