gone girl

I’ve had one failed relationship during high school, one very toxic situationship and a few flirty chats here and there but ones that never turned serious because it fizzled out or I ended up ghosting them.

My heart was always yearning for someone I could spend the rest of my life with - though I didn’t mind the thought of living alone forever too.

I had a love-hate relationship with the dating apps - I pretty much have a lot of bad experience with these. So I just always end up deleting them because nothing was clicking. I became friends with some of the guys I met here though they are very platonic.

Then I met my boyfriend. Online. Not on a dating app - but on a language learning app. They are marketing it as some sort of dating app where you can meet cute Asian guys, but meh. Even if I tried, I’m just really socially awkward and it’s just not me to be flirting so much.

So I just stayed in the app, learned Korean and met a few good people. It might seem crazy to a lot of you, but the friends I met online are people I still get in touch with right now vs the people I met from school or people I know from connections.

Looking back, I never thought we would be together like this. At first he was just some random person going into my voice room and said goodbye when it was time to go. When he came back, I never really remembered that he already went to my voice room before and talked with him.

People come and go in this app, so I didn’t really pay attention much.

Then slowly but surely, he became one of the people I regularly hung out with in the voice room every night.

A lot of times, people would leave and it would be just us two in the voice room. We didn’t really talk that much, but his presence was comforting. It felt like I didn’t really need to talk. I didn’t notice how but, we just clicked.

He is a really dry texter, so when we have chats outside our group chat, I didn’t think any of it. Knowing that he also chats with his friends on the app too. I thought he was just being friendly because we were in the same circle. So when he sends me a sticker as a reply, I just never replied back.

Anyway, I realized that I had a slight crush on him when I noticed I would get a little sad when he interacts with other ladies. It was normal and friendly banter, but I couldn’t help how I felt. So I always made excuses to leave the voice room when I couldn’t take it anymore. Thinking, “I haven’t even met this man in real life. This is crazy.”

Then our group chat moved to Instagram and had some interactions in there. He became inactive in the language learning app and don’t chat much in Instagram too. But there are times when would initiate the chat and we would catch up. Then it cuts off since I don’t really have anything more to say and think that this man probably is just being friendly again.

Then came May last year. I was still interested in him, even though I had a lot of guys I had a happy crush on during that time.

I wondered, “Wait, does this guy like me too?” He would like photos and stories where I show my face. I know, it sounds a little conceited and delulu. But hey, I’m just a girl.

I asked advice from some people I know. And I just went for it - I had the courage to be more forward with him. And mind you, I never really do the flirting thing first.

I think I’m more like a hedgehog when it comes to men - especially when I’m not really attracted or interested in them, or when I know they’re walking red flags. Come near and my spikes appear. Friends not included.

So yeah, it was kind of a new thing for me. To my surprise, he responded positively. That’s how we started.

But it wasn’t a walk in the park. Sure, we clicked. However, we came from different cultures so there are a lot of things that we had to learn about each other - which might be a story for another day.

Anyway, that’s the story of how we met. It’s getting too long and my brain is a little sleepy to continue writing.

I know this doesn’t mean anything to a lot of you or whoever is reading this.

But I just wanted to share how much I love him and I think I would really love to do this life building thing with him.

I never thought I’d finally find someone who will give me this kind of love (romantically, at least).

His love is silent yet steady. He is firm and keeps me grounded. He says what he means, and means what he says. I don’t have to do mental gymnastics to decode what he says. He’s also very straightforward and secure with himself.

Sure, he isn’t perfect and can be a little too logical, but he’s my person who is willing to meet me where I’m at. I had so many things I had to unlearn with romantic relationships and with my unhealthy habits - I think that I’ve grown a lot as a person over the past year.

I can’t help but fall for him. Yes, online. As silly as that sounds.

Despite that, I know what we have is very real. I know this because it’s very rare for me to have this kind of connection. It just feels different from all the other ones I’ve had before.

So, I hope and pray I can be with him for a long, long time. Because I think life would be really fun with him.

The distance thing right now kinda sucks tho.

Anyway, good night and thanks for reading.

-

I know I said this a few times before. But this time, it really feels different from the previous ones.

This love is not rushed. It is silent, yet steady. It shows up everyday even when it’s hard sometimes. It’s patient enough and allows space for growth.

It doesn’t want you to be engulfed and lost in it. It wants you to grow and spread your own wings.

This love isn’t a pushover. It doesn’t take any bullshit or drama. It holds me accountable for unhealthy habits and encourages me to become better everyday.

This love might not be what I grew up watching in movies. It’s not perfect. But dear Lord, I like this kind of love. I pray this love would stay for a long, long time.

But these days, my mind is always racing with millions of thoughts and feelings. I don’t even know how to make sense of it. It’s chaos in my brain.

Those years of numbness made me forget how I used to process these thoughts and feelings. Back then, I used to write. A lot. Even if it was messy. Even if it had typos and grammatical errors. But it didn’t matter because it all was some sort of release for all the chaos. It was how I made sense of what was going on in my brain.

Honestly, I don’t know if what I’m saying makes sense to anyone who’s reading. But it does to me, and that’s what truly matters, right? Since I’m writing for myself.

You know. When you love someone, it’s a gift. You give it willingly without asking for something in return. It’s not their obligation to give it back.

But why does it hurt so much when you see they don’t feel the same way?

People said you were warm and nice, but why do you feel so cold? Then you realize, you’re the only one always trying to reach out.

Every dot. Every dry texts. Every microexpressions on their face. The dismissive tone in their voice.

You’ve seen these patterns before. Then suddenly everything keeps crumbling down. Every single person who did it to you suddenly flashes in your mind.

The people who you thought you were close to.

The people who you thought would be your lifetime kind of people.

The people who supposedly loved you.

The people who slowly and surely left you behind.

And you realize, “Ah…it’s happening again.”

You know, this isn’t new. You’re used to it.

You always try so hard to love these people. But you only always end up breaking and falling apart.

It’s not that you depend on them to see your worth. Because you know your worth. You know you are worthy of love.

But why?

That’s our problem. We keep on waiting on the sidelines. We keep on pushing people away. We keep on building walls around ourselves.

https://soundcloud.com/ohzab/la-vie-en-rose