You ever look at someone and think about all the things you wanna do with them, do to them, and all the things you could never do without them, and then realize that they don’t feel the same way

Why couldn’t I be a middle class white guy in 1940-1980? I just wish I knew what it was like to be a man back then. Now it’s just fuck bitches get money. Well hot dammit I wanna be a good man with a heart of gold and a raging alcohol addiction and a wife who lies about me not beating her

The most immasculating thing is when girls say they like British accents... like damn I’m sorry I don’t speak English the wrong way

I want an AI to survive the apocalypse with. Master Chief/ Cortana style. Depending on the apocalypse it’d be the only tool I’d need if you really think about it

On 420 snoop dogg comes to everyone’s door with a guillotine and a crowd of onlookers smoking joints and rolling up. Two men in weed print attire approach the doors to every house and knock on the door. If you aren’t blazing up they bring you out into the street to be publicly executed in front of the crowd...

*split splat*

A human/vampire couple where the vampire parents at night and the human parents during the day. The story develops as the child learns one of his parents isn’t his real parent

An app that makes your phone screen vibrate when you caress the screen

A curse like in SHREK but every kiss turns it on and off

Jungleitus the fungal fetus

I’m such a hard person to talk to about your problems bc I always wanna make people happy when they’re sad or clear up a heavy room. I end up telling a joke or making someone smile and the I’m like, “well time to get back to that thing that was the problem in the first place.” I’m like a living rollercoaster. Initiate conversation with me and I’ll take your for an emotional ride