sad girls cult

I didn’t die at 27. That’s crazy. I still have 24 hours tho. But no. Im gonna survive.

I could say I learned a lot on my 27s but that would actually be a lie. I did yes developed some parts of my brain or my consciousness, but 27 was a year to rest, to slow down, to look inside. I still didn’t figure out what’s inside, but im on my way. Im literally OMW to the life I want to have, I’m OMW to become the person I want to be. Always on the way of something better, more perfect, more wiser, more elevated. I know these year its going to be great because I expect a full connection between mind, heart and spirit. A full connection between the past the present and my future. 

I promise my self to be out in the wild more, to let experiences come through, to let me live what I’m supposed to live with out restrictions, but always taking better care of my self, everyday every minute its for me to take better care of me. And I think that’s what my 28 are for, to embrace my true nature,find my inside power and use it in my better interest. 

I have been told I carry this deep sadness in my eyes a lot. I wonder, is it sadness or just unhappiness? Also, is there a difference between them two? 

I see the world as this love sphere where I don’t belong, I try hard to see myself by others, to see how they perceive me or just see me, and I can’t. I can’t feel their love towards me. That’s maybe because I try so hard to love myself, because that’s what I been taught, that im the only person that its gonna be around me forever. Hands come and go, hugs come and go, people come and go. But I stay. I stay sticked to myself forever, and that is both beautiful and depressing at the same time. 

Im a pisces. I had two. But the first one lasted longer so I assume it’s that one that’s more relevant to the reader.

I’ve just arrived to the facility. It was raining like if the sky was crying for me. 

I went straight from my room tearing up to the smoke area down the yard. I was like the new toy everyone was waiting to play around with. Lots of people, lots of new faces, lots of introductions. From behind I hear “Do you need lighter”, “Yes please” I reply. Trying not to cry in front of this stranger. Im “Jake” (Not his real name but let’s keep the privacy), “Yozy, my pleasure”. He was smart, mid tall, mid ugly, but with the cutest smile I’ve ever seen. A smile that could light up my whole disaster and sad day. That was his first move, until then I didn’t knew how a predator he was. I was his innocent sheep. 

The day goes by, some other people introduce themselves to me when the sunset arrives (my worst and most depressing moment of the day). At that time I was in my room, no cable tv, no phone, no screen. What im supposed to do? 

I open my Julia fox book in its first page. I start dump diving into her world to get out of mine. 

Dinner time. Long line in the dinner room. I eat alone, surrounded by strangers. Depressing. 

Smoke time after eating, im having my soy milk latte, he approached and sits next to me, we start talking, he had the power to take me out of space and take me somewhere nicer, somewhere far away from that place. We shared some cigarettes and after that he invites me to see the stars. We walk some meters and ended un in a bench apart from everything ugly. The bench of the stars. We chat about our lives and about how we ended up there. Finally, we kiss.

It was late at night, we had to go back to our dorms, lucky for us, we slept in dorms almost next to each other. That night I remember feeling so alone that I decided to go knock on his door, with no line on mind, just ‘Hi I feel alone’. He never answered, next day I find out he was already asleep. 

Some days go by, we were almost rehab boyfriend and girlfriend. We had every meal together, we took long walks taking hands, we kissed in front of others, but secretly from the staff, I went everyday to his room to watch movies and eat candies, we shared smiley eyes every time our eyes crossed. Seemed like a movie. 

I Hear them talking about grams and milligrams and I don’t understand what they mean. They use the knife in a soft way, in a different way, as they were thinking about the love they have for you. In the mean time we spoke about life, parents, siblings. Stuff we don’t known about each other, and every moves feels more personal than the other one. Is really cooking a love language? In don’t known  but it feels like. Smells invade the space while words nourish it with company. Movements around a new land for the cooker feels like he’s discovering unknown lands.I rolled a tabaco for myself. Having a yellow smoke while someone’s explains to me how making a tomato sauce from scratch works. I wont explain it here you can google it if ud like. 

feeling so alone 

like a child w out a home

my mama told me i was wrong

the path i choose to go is wrong

but i don’t feel like that

i don’t feel like stop

-

od on ma crib 

death comes for me 

and i welcome she

-

i welcome she to stay

and to come in my way 

i’m not scared to go

i just couldn’t let u go 

now i’m trippin myself

this song is my safe

with out music i’ll be dead

with out you i’ll be sane 

it takes two for a fight

and in that i’m specially right 

u do u i do me 

but the end with you is me

-

all the drugs that i take

just to get out of space 

i can’t deal w my toughts

i just wanna b gone

I just wanna be

How should I start? I have so many words that it feels like imma vomit on my pc right now. Been dealing with different types of sadness my whole life. But breakup sadness? That’s a whole different story. This saddens mixes so many emotions at one’s body. You go through rage, through anger, then you forget the bad things and the “missing your ex” cry invades your whole body, even your full house. 

The glow up after a breakup was never my thing, I usually did glow-downs because when I catch feelings for someone, as a pisces scorpio rising i REALLY catch feelings, and those ones can’t be erased with therapy, friends, drinks, booty calls. There’s nothing but the presence of that person to calm you down. And it’s contradictory I know, because how can one person be the cause and the solution to your sadness? 

But I guess that’s what a breakup feels. U just need to navigate your own emotions until they calm down, until you start to forget moments, feelings. Until you want to see the light of the sun again. 

That might take months, in my case, years. I still yearn for the love of someone that broke me. Someone that seemed my protector and become my predator. Someone that seemed my best friend and turned into my worst enemy.

And that’s when the battle starts. But why? Why do I have to fight? Why do I have to win the price of being the one that got away less hurt? 

We were told to wait, to stay still, to dont make to much noise. To just "leave it in the hands of the universe and the law of karma". Honestly, f*ck that. If im doing revenge i will be def digging 2 graves, cause if i set my mind to something (positive or negative) i will never abandon middle way. But also, does this consume your soul,mind and body? I believe so. Do i care? Def not.

Still i learned with the years to not play God. God meaning the natural course of things. Also we know this is ping pong, what goes comes around. I do believe im paying from some karmas, and for some ppl i wronged (but mhm they wronged me first so idk what to think tbh), still im paying my karma.

Karma is a bitch, but as we have darma we do have to have his dark balance. Its like Karma and Darma are dancing middle dancefloor looking around and choosing their next victim.

I remember my first deep-sadness spirals, that’s how I call them. I was around the age of 11. Around that time I started to became best friend with my sadness. I sometimes embrace it when it came or I just did stuff to bring it closer to me. One of my favourite things to do was to play my The smiths records until I started crying. I felt so comfortable in my own sadness. 

It was my comfort zone, no one could understand me, or that’s what I thought. I was never the kind that asks for help. I can deal with this on my own, I keep repeating to myself. I was only 13 y/o. My parents had just divorced  and I wasn’t sure what the world was. Im still not sure. My parents divorce slapped me harder than I knew at the time. My dad was depressed and my mom ? I never knew what my mom was going through, she was also the kind that deals alone with her sadness. Or with her therapist. But never with her child’s. 

It was at that moment that our bond started to fall apart, each day more apart, km’s divided our close to each other rooms. Only one hallway that seemed like an entire autobahn. 

My dad was in his own deep-sadness spiral, and I was the one to help, I was the one that should listen and understand, I was only 12 y/o. Some time ago I got into a big fight with one of my closest friends, because I got mad when she asked me for help. Don’t get me wrong, im the kind of friend you can count on, im the kind of friend that would go to your place at 1am if you need so. But I am also the kind of friend that absorbes all the energies in the room. And that’s also the kind of friend that gets overwhelmed easily with others friends problems.