Co-author : @baldieboi
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Pranking the Primarchs (gone wrong) part 1.
Lion El’Jonson :
-He sat down for a strategic meeting and his seat suddenly farted.
-The room went dead silent and he didn’t dare say anything about it although his face was red and his eyes full of rage. The line between pissed off and raging was thin.
-At the end of the meeting he uncovered a fart cushion and demanded the Legion Mother to be brought to him, the astartes fled the room and the ship was on high alert, let it never be said that Lion El’Jonson isn’t one for retribution.
-A serf was retelling the story to you again and you laughed again, what you wouldn’t give to see his face when it happened !
-An astartes asked you to come with him and he seemed nervous, hurriedly explaining the primarch was uncontrollable with rage after seating on another farting cushion and wanted you to come explain it to his face.
-You smiled and followed him, the marine almost begging you to calm his primarch down and as you neared the room, you understood why.
- “The Legion Mother better have a good explanation for this… joke. If not I will punish everyone remotely involved in this incident and ensure this never happens again !”
-His eyes zeroed in on you once you entered, you couldn’t let a word out as he glared at you with the strenght of a sun, “Explain” he gruffly asked.
-The more you smiled the more pissed off he became and the astartes in the room were visibly nervous, silently begging you to defuse the situation.
-You explained to him the meaning of a “prank” and he became angrier and angrier by the minute while you seemed happy with the result, he grabbed you and sneered “I expected better of the Legion Mother but rest assured there will be a reckoning, leave me be.”
-He put you on cleaning duty for a month but it was well worth it.
Second primarch :
-The prank was so good he disappeared.
Fulgrim :
-Switching his shampoo bottle with hair coloring. A simple prank but an effective one.
-His scream upon realizing his perfect white hair became yellow was something to be written about
-You were in the next room when he came out to explain someone DARED to switch his priceless shampoo but he didn’t know he was you, he was sad as a kicked puppy and you slightly felt bad.
-He sent multiple astartes to investigate the matter, sweep the room for any proof and interrogate anyone having access to this room, you were above suspicion since the beloved Legion Mother could never do such a thing.
-But then he found his proof, Apothecary Fabius Bile gave you a special mixture and you eagerly took it, he said you wanted to “prank” the primarch.
-Fulgrim was shocked, you pranked him ? This terrible affront to his honor wouldn’t stand !
-He stomped his way across the ship to find you and when he did he had that devilish smile on his face, you knew that he knew.
-“Darling~ I have heard that you wanted to play a joke on your poor husband, surely this is untrue ?” he asked with sarcasm dripping from every word.
-You try to reach the door but he grabbed you before that, laughter erupted from you as he glared at you, “How could you ever do such a thing to me darling ?”
-The next time you took a shower your hair became another color, weird.
Perturabo :
-Nothing seemed weird at first, every tool was where it was supposed to be and every single one of his creations worked perfectly.
-Until one of them meowed, he sharply turned around to look at the clock. He surely misheard, right ? Another Meow came from the clock and he inspected it.
-A small speaker was in one of them, meowing every so often. He was half amused, half annoyed. Someone messed with his inventions and he wouldn’t have that, not under his roof !
-A squad of astarted investigated and the security footage showed you messing with some of his toys and decoration to add a speaker to them.
-You were swiftly brought to him and you couldn’t stop your smile. “I hope you liked my gift Bo ?”
-He smirked at you and handed you a gift of his own, a beautiful collar. You were confused but accepted it and put it on, unaware of the secondary function it carried.
- “Thank you for this but why-” meow “huh ? Why did it-” meow.
-Being a vindictive fuck he gave you a taste of your own medicine, a collar meowing after a couple of word. A fitting punishment for daring to joke with the Lord of Iron.
Jaghatai Khan :
-He is no stranger to being on the other side of a joke, his legion is quite playful after all but this ? This was new to him.
-He knew you wanted to prank him but he didn’t know how exactly so he was prepared for a lot of things from a bucket of water to a confetti bomb under a seat but you took it a step further.
-You snuck into the armory and modified his bike, nothing too bad. On the surface the engine felt stronger and it was, to a degree.
-He found out during a ride with his sons when one them voxxed him about his bike belching a black smoke, he accelerated to find a spot to stop to and the engine groaned loudly.
-He stopped dead in his track and once he came down the engine rumbled dangerously and a piston was shot through the bike straight to the sky !
-He stayed silent but he knew who was behind it, you. He came back to his ship and simply asked you to follow him, you did and he showed you his damaged bike with a hole near the engine.
- “You are innocent in this my love ? A few days after I angered you and my poor bike mysteriously suffer from a malfunction. I doubt my sons had something to do with it” he had a grin plastered on his face, he caught you with logic.
-Rumor has it that the piston was never found again.
Leman Russ :
-It was a rare sight but Leman decided to shave his beard so you gracefully provided him with some shaving cream, or at least that’s what he thought.
-He was ready to shave when he noticed the cream wasn’t coming off, in fact it was really hard. He touched it and realized it was some type of hardening cream.
- “I’m gonna kill this woman” he had to admit he was impressed, few would dare to try something like this on him and fewer got away with it but he had a good laugh.
-Many Space Wolves asked him why his face was all red and he told them it was because of a sudden shift of temperature and totally not because he had to rip off the cream by force.
-Despite the laugh he had out of this he still wanted revenge so he told his two wolves to find you and bring you back, the look on your face when two gigantic wolves dragged you away was priceless, something Leman laughed at for weeks.
- “This was a good one, I have to say but pranking me and thinking you can get away with it ? No can do darling, I demand retribution.” he said with a toothy grin.
-Your punishment ? Shaving the beard of any Space Wolves who asked and they suddenly all needed a shave. Without the hardening cream, of course.
Rogal Dorn :
-He was working all day long at his desk so in theory he didn’t need his boots right ? Being a mischievous Legion Mother it gave you an idea.
-Gluing them to the ground, of course he was a primarch so you needed the best glue available on the Phalanx.
-You glued them near his desk when he was away from a brief moment and you hoped he’d put them on during the day, your wish was granted in the afternoon.
-He decided to go for a short walk and he grabbed his boots, or tried to. For some reason they refused to move.
- “hummphh” he grabbed them harder and harder until they gave away, tearing off a part of the floor with it. Two Imperial Fist rushed in only to see their primarch holding his boots with a piece of the floor missing.
-He put them on nonetheless and went searching for you, “your joke was practical, the floor wasn’t ready to handle my strength and I gave order to reinforce the floor” you swore the corner of his mouth slightly moved when he said that.
- “And I chose you for this task, consider this my revenge for damaging my boots.” shit, you knew this was too good to be true.
