refrigerator light

I am so stupid because I thought somehow having a baby would make me feel closer to my mom but actually I think I am hitting new peaks of grieving her every day. I can’t believe she isn’t here to help me or meet my baby. I can’t tell her anything. I just want her to come sit on my couch. I would be so nice. I want to put my baby in her arms and then go take a nap. I hate the world

I’m still so sad that my sister rejected me when I got pregnant and I’ve been angry with her because she has zero interest in my daughter but I read a self help book that said to give what you want from people so I have been calling to check on her and she just happily tells me about her life and never asks a question about mine. I think maybe the problem is me. I don’t know what I’ve done but I think it’s me. Maybe because I’m a bitch ass hoe and gossip

I went through a box of my moms kitchen stuff that was in my dads basement yesterday and I felt fine, but today I can’t stop crying on the kitchen floor where Ottilie can’t see me cause I miss her so forcefully I can’t catch a breath. My friend just had a baby and her mom stays over every night to help her. I’m so lonely I feel like my desperate lonely momless energy just repels people away from me. I crave the company of women so bad and I can’t get any of them to hang out with me.

the only way to really know a person is to love them without hope

I love you in a spring way. In the way that life comes after death and in the way that little green buds abide, after every silent winter. A winter that last years and then here it is, love again, bloom eternal. I die and come back and die and come back. I am tired of it, even, I want to be dirt, but painfully I open again. Petal by petal