Actor. Musician. Weirdo.

Did you get your phone taken?

There are so many inventions that I can't believe haven't been invented yet. I have ideas for cool inventions all the time. Like right now, I just had a great idea for an invention. It’s a pair of ice-skates. But not just regular ice-skates. With these ice-skates you don’t have to go to a skating rink or wait for the pond to freeze over to use them. These skates can skate anywhere. And no, I’m not talking about roller blades. I’m talking actual ice-skates. The secret lies in an ingenious little mechanical system positioned in front of the skates. It’s basically this little jet that shoots out a super cold spray of liquid water, which freezes on contact with the ground in front of you. So literally any surface can be an ice-skating rink. Everyone loves ice-skating, and now you’ll be able to do it wherever and whenever you want. What’s that you say? You’re worried that it’s not going to work? What if they do work, and the skates get really popular and everyone’s using them? You’re concerned about all of the trails of ice that will be left over from all of the skating? It’s true, who’s going to clean up all of that ice? I’ve already thought of it, and rest assured, I’ve got it covered. After I had that idea, I had another idea for another invention. It’s an attachment for your skates that hooks up to the back. It’s another nozzle, but unlike the front jet, which only sprays ice, this jet is going to spray fire. This way the ice that you create to skate on will get instantly vaporized as soon as you skate over it. I’m a genius. This is going to revolutionize footwear. And transportation. And me. It’s going to be so much more convenient and natural to just skate around everywhere that I can’t imagine anyone in the future ever even bothering to take them off. I’ll admit, stairs are going to be a problem, obviously. There’s no delicate way of trying to ice-skate up and down stairs. You could walk up and down the stairs with your skates on, but that would be such a waste. Why wear the skates if you ever have to step at all? That’s why I just had an idea for another great invention. You install this device in your house, and it’s like a robot or something, and it walks around your house and it systematically eliminates all of your staircases. Like you don’t even understand how fast it’s going to get rid of them. I’m constantly surprised by my own genius. It’s like, as soon as Steve Jobs died, the universe needed another human vessel to host all of its genius energy. And the universe selected me. But wait a second. If there are no more staircases, how are people going to get up to the second floors of their houses? I’m way ahead of you here, and I just had three great ideas for the solution to this problem. The first is a ray-gun. You buy the ray-gun, bring it back to your house, and point it at wall where there used to be a staircase connecting the first and second floors (basement and attic ray-gun attachments sold separately.) You aim the ray-gun at this space and pull the trigger. But nothing gets destroyed. Instead of shooting out laser beams, this ray-gun shoots out elevators. ZAP! Elevator! Problem solved. Now you can wear your skates and skate around in little tiny circles while you’re inside the elevator waiting to be dropped off upstairs. Or downstairs. Just please be careful not to fire the ray-gun at any existing elevators. It’ll set off a quantum universal paradox, one of those crazy Newtonian laws about two elevators being unable to take up the same spot in the space-time continuum. But elevators aren’t for everyone; I completely understand. To some they’re nothing more than giant mechanical nightmares. An accident waiting to happen. It’ll eventually wind up breaking down while you’re inside it. Days will turn into weeks but nobody will hear your muffled, desperate screaming. That’s why my second solution is a special type of grenade. It looks like a regular grenade. You pull the pin out and chuck it like a regular grenade. But when this grenade detonates, it turns all existing staircases into spiral staircases, but with no stairs, it’s just a flat spiral. This way you can skate up and down. It’s great practice for those tight turns, which can be tricky for the novice ice-skater. But I know what you’re thinking. Going down is probably so much fun, but I’m not sure I have the core body strength to skate all the way up. That’s where my third product comes in. You’ve said no to elevators, you’ve turned up your nose at my spiral staircase grenade, so just buy my last product, my most ingenious invention yet. It comes in a box. You go to the store and buy the box. Inside the box is what looks like a garage clicker. You bring it back to your house, and give it a click. The click lets a construction crew know that it’s time to get to work. They show up at your house and, in just a few weeks, they’ll completely remodel your multi-story house into a split-level ranch. Problem solved! Now you can skate anywhere you like!