Falling, slowly fading

i’m not sure i feel anything right now. my depression seems to have amplified in the past few days and it’s rendering me almost completely numb. i get pockets of emotion that last 30 minutes at most, but it’s all sadness and anger and frustration and anxiety. recent events haven’t helped and have only served to further the moods. i’m scared to leave the house...racism is alive and well and it’s never going away. because of that, i’m afraid to leave the house. my anxiety pills serve as candy and have proven to be the only effective method to help me sleep. i’ve lost interest in so many things. i didn’t eat a single thing for over 50 hours; just water and a little bit of coffee. i’m not *trying* to restrict, i just have no desire to eat. the hunger subsides after a while, but i’ve resorted to forcing myself to snack on things such as chips and ramen because my niece says “something is better than nothing”. there are moments when i feel like i’m suffocating. everything goes quiet, my breath gets caught in my throat, my chest feels heavy and i can’t feel my heartbeat. it’s like getting the wind knocked out of me. it takes a couple minutes to come back and i always feel like i’m regaining consciousness. sometimes i feel like i’m dead though. i’m going through the motions and i do not feel that i’m alive. i do this and that and have no recollection. can’t remember the drive home, the people i spoke with at work, the day to day things i normally do. i’m a mess. something is really wrong with me, but i don’t know how to ask for help. or talk to anyone. i just wanna lay in bed and sleep. it’s taking a lot to not hurt myself. not in a permanent way, but just a little. just to feel something again. something other than sadness. i’d rather hurt. i don’t know what to do, what to think, who to talk to. i’m not going to try to kill myself. but most of the time i really do wish i were dead.