just someone

I think I'm getting older

Maybe wiser.

I don't know

Times goes by so quickly, but slowly at the same time

I don't really know who I am anymore and who I want to be

But do we ever know?

Do we ever stand still and think "yes this is who I want to be"

I think we all go through changes and never really stay the same

I think we evolve

I hope we evolve

I'm feeling tired of always being the only one that cares, and that tries to maintain a relationship... I want someone to put me first, I crave for someone who would put me first. To care for me just as much as I care for them. Sending me messages throughout the day just because they think of you or saw something funny... why does no one do that to me? Why am I always the one that gets left behind and kept out of everything? Why am I always trying to form a relationship, but always end up in disappointment and insecurities.

I just want love and appreciation

I thought that a relationship like ours was one I could call a blessing and a privilege. You know I always respected you, loved you and cared for you. I was always the one to massage your feet, the one to make you tea or coffee and the one who would hug you. I even had a goal where I would be rich and give you everything you ever wanted. I was always there for you, when you were sick, or when you were sad. I was your number one fan, even calling you my role model when someone asked me who I looked up to. You always thought I cared more for my papa, but I hope you know you were always my number one.

This hope and love I had for you, was something that made me wanna make you happy and proud. I always wanted to make you proud about anything I do, I always tried to my best and felt disappointed and sad when I didn't do well. Afraid to tell you how I failed an exam or afraid to tell you that I didn't make it... This feeling of always wanting to make you proud, I guess it kind of made me tired. I was always tired, no I am always so tired. So tired that I can't even get myself to do something. But I always tried you know, I always tried to help you and show that I truly did care for you as a person and as my mama, as my joy.

But sometimes that tiredness, that never seems to leave my body, it takes over and then I am stressed and pressured. I never meant to make you seem like a liability or someone I didn't care for. I tried to help you on my happy days as much as my body could, so I'm sorry that I sometimes sigh or groan because you ask me to do something. It's not about you asking me, it's about the motivation in my body that just can't seem to make me stand up to do something. The sighs I let out are not towards you who raised me, it's towards me who is tired and wants to do nothing more than lie in bed, forever...

So that day, you lost your daughter. You lost me, you lost my hope, you lost my trust, you lost my love and I lost my hero and mother. You will never know how much I cried that week. How long I cried that day. And all the thoughts that ran through my head. I hope you noticed the change in me, because since that day I never once said I love you to you. But I don't think you noticed, and that's okay, I'm kind of used to it by now. You never notice anything about me except the fact that I'm lazy, do nothing and make excuses. And you know when you hurt yourself, I tried so hard to help you and make sure everything was okay with you, but you just threw it all out of the window. I did not receive a thank you, I did not receive anything from you. Only thing I got was bruises, tiredness and a whole lot of complaints. You calling me a devils child and telling me that I'm not your daughter, made me realise that I will never be good enough for you. You want me to sacrifice my life, my happiness and my soul for you. But you don't even deserve my love. You don't deserve anything from me since that day. It made me wonder... If you can't even respect me, how would anyone else respect me?

But I am sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't show you enough that I truly did love you, and that I truly did care about everything that had to do with you. And I am so heartbroken that the mama I knew, somehow became a mother that I don't know and can't seem to love. Because why is your pain the only pain that matters? Why is your stress the only legitimate excuse? And why is my love towards you the only thing that can be questioned, when you haven't shown me any love for months? Why is one problem worse than 100 good things? Why do you only see me as a person, and not as you daughter? I am so exhausted that I don't even want to wake up...

I'm not your puppet that can just do whatever you want, whenever you want. My stress means just as much as your stress, my tiredness is the same as yours and my problems are just as big as yours. It doesn't mean that just because I've only lived for 20 years, that everything I feel is insignificant. I too feel tired after school, just like you get tired after work. I too get sick, just like you. And I too get hurt, just like how you get hurt.

It is as if I found my spark after all these years of searching...

I hope future me keeps following her dream!

What I do know is that I'm sad and tired

"I just wanna be happier

I feel like sleeping

I feel like nothing

I'm not doing okay this month

I'm so caught up in the what ifs, that I forget about the what now

As a teenager I was always worrying about money, claiming I will be rich and end all this generational 'poverty', never realising how hard it will be for my future self to achieve this

I not only had my expectations high, my moms as well. And these expectations seem to be dragging me down the more I go on, the more I study and the more I fail.

All seems futile and I even am thinking of just giving up as nothing really excites me anymore other than becoming rich

I'm so tired of always working and studying, I just wanna lie in bed for a while and not worry about the fact that I still have to study

there isn't anything special going on, but I could say life is getting better

I don't wanna feel that period again

I thought I got over it

but somehow I feel like I never did

I was always in that deep hole, and I never got out, I just climbed a bit higher... that's it

my past self would be so disappointed with the future me... but I don't know what to do, what I should feel and what I should be

I feel lost and alone, but most of all I feel like I'm doing everything wrong and that everything about myself is wrong

that mood that makes me wanna lie in bed the whole day and do nothing for the rest of my life

I thought I got over it, but I guess I'm in that vicious cycle again

where everything seems to be okay

but my mind and body feel exhausted

I never loved someone other than family,

I never hugged someone other than friends,

I never gave my all to someone,

the only thing I ever did was have a crush, but I wasn't even heartbroken when it 'ended'.

I was disappointed,

not because he didn't like me back, but because I wanted to know how it felt to be held and loved.

to know that someone is listening to ever word I utter

to know that someone is there to hold you when you have issues with your parents

but I don't so I just let my imagination go wild, I think about scenarios where I get my heartbroken or where I fall in love even though I never felt such things

I constantly ask myself whether I want a relationship or just want the affection that comes from it

because once in a while I feel like no one truly knows me and that no one truly listen, I wanna be heard