I am the cake.

“will the course be hard”

“no fucking idea”

“do you have a syllabus for us dr. pines”

“um…” *rifles through some desk drawers, sweeps some books and papers off his desk, digs around, comes up with a crooked frown* “no. no i dont. apparently.”

“what textbook are we using”

“textbooks are filled with pretention and oft-misconstrued words! no, my dear students, we will go outside and experience the course material firsthand! it is, after all, the best way to learn!”

“is there a chance we could die in this course dr. pines”

“no! well… maybe. watch your step out here, i believe there’s some patches of quicksand which sucks you through a wormhole into another dimension”

“is there any way i can get my money back for this class”

*nervously side eyes a picture frame of his brother on a file cabinet* “ah… no, sorry, no refunds…” *awkwardly clears throat and pretends stan didnt fucking blow all the money on stan o’ war upgrades and a trip to vegas already*

ford often leaps onto his or a student’s desk and loudly pontificates on some unrelated literature and rants about how holden caulfield is a spoiled brat and that mary shelley invented science fiction and how hp lovecraft is an antisemite and sometimes his students will livestream his shouting rants, or theyll tweet like “my prof is going tf off about classic lit–this is an advanced bio class btw” and others will avidly take notes and others will just like, pull their hoods up and take a nap

“hey dr. pines you sound kinda like the guy from the farmers insurance commercials”

“the what now”

“does dr. pines even have office hours”

“yeah but hes usually on the roof trying to jack somebodys wifi signal or harness lightning because he told us the campus is ‘foolish not to take advantage of the opportunity to obtain clean energy’ or whatever, i dont know, hes nuts”

“hey dr pines why were you getting arrested on the news last week”

“oh that was my brother. we’re identical twins, hes always been a bit of a law breaker”

“how did he embezzle money from a library”