unusual tragic and alive ☮

The Blue Ditto, based on the painting by Suzanne Valadon.

CRACKS FINGERS oooKAY let’s get into this

to be clear: throuples CAN work, the same way backflipping off a roof onto a trampoline and then onto a horse’s back CAN work. it just probably won’t.

also, quickly, for the sake of definitions: i think by "polyamorous group" you're talking about "polycules". a polycule is just the web of polyamorous people who are connected through who is involved with who. so, if i'm dating aspen and aspen is married to birch and birch is dating cedar, that's a polycule. we're all connected, but i am not dating birch and i am not dating cedar, i am only dating aspen. i might hang out with all of these people periodically in various configurations but i do not have to either. a polycule is just a word to describe the web of people. throuples are a group of three people ALL dating EACH OTHER and the relationship is a UNIT. yes, good? moving on.

so think of a dyad, a relationship between two people. that’s one relationship, between A and B. as any even monogamous person will tell you, that can be hard enough to find, nurture, and maintain. it’s HARD to find someone you’re sexually compatible with, financially compatible with, can happily cohabitate with, have shared life goals with, can navigate conflict resolution with, etc.

now think of a triad. that isn’t one relationship.. it’s not even three. it’s fucking four. it’s A and B, and A and C, and B and C, AND A+B+C all together. if we’re just talking practicality, the chances of all four relationships being compatible long term is just a losing bet. remember, most dyads are a losing bet already.  if this triad is just for sexual kicks, or kept casually, you know, perhaps you can skirt the many and very predictable heartbreaks. but we’re talking about polyamory here, not necessarily swinging, and most bright eyed new poly folks interested in the fantasy of triads are imagining a long-term loving three person unit. especially if we’re hoping for the same kind of enmeshment that a lot of dyads (both monogamous and non-monogamous) might hope for in a long term relationship, the numbers are stacked against you. and that’s just the very neutral non-emotional side of this bet. another problem is how triads usually form.

most triads don’t form with all three parties starting from a neutral point. it’s almost never three non-sexual non-romantic people all starting to date together all at once; it’s almost always an established dyad seeking or pulling in a third person. the problem with that is that it’s very, very unlikely that this established couple is going to have done the work to have dismantled their inherent couple’s privilege. and even if they’ve done their reading and think they’re ready, it’s very unlikely that neither of them will eventually feel threatened and lash out and act like a massive asshole.

for the sake of laying out some scenarios, we’re going to assume that A+B are the established couple, and C is the new addition to the relationship.

triads only work if all of the dyads are strong. they do not work if A+B see themselves as the core couple with C being able to join in on both of them, only, together. this is what usually happens though, especially with newbies, because it’s HARD to decenter both yourself and someone you love, especially for someone who is probably a relative unknown. but it will not work if they are not able to do this.

at best this usually means a lot of discomfort for both A and B as they are no longer the primary emotional center for each other, because room must be made for C for the relationship to be even close to equitable. most people in or A or B’s position are going to fuck this up. they are almost certainly going to lash out. this is not because people who agree to triads are inherently less emotionally mature or foolish, it’s because this is fucking HARD. this is polyamory on hard mode and it's mostly newbies throwing themselves into it. i’ve been polyamorous for over a decade and wouldn’t entertain the idea of a triad for a second.

some difficulties to consider:

C should be able to go on individual focused dates with just A, and individual focused dates with just B. A and B are not entitled to know details of the things that happen with C and other person. C has a right to privacy (privacy, not secrecy) and to foster dyadic relationships with both A and B without outside influence from the other. A has no say in how B dates C and vice versa.

C should be able to have sex with only A, and should be able to have sex with only B. group sex should never be the *expectation*. C may end up prefer having sex with A or B more. A or B may also prefer having sex with C more than the other previously established dyad. or different kinds of sex. sexual interest and compatibility is never going to be exact. maybe A and C find enjoyment in a kind of sex that A and B tried, that B enjoyed and wants more of but A didn’t like with B. A only likes this with C. AND THIS MUST BE OKAY.

C should be able to feel different things at different rates with A and B. it’s possible that C and B fall deeply, madly in love, while C enjoys A’s company but doesn’t feel love for them yet or in the same way, or some other uneven kind of pacing.

we live in a deeply monogamous culture with monogamous structures built in. some people’s jobs would literally be in peril if they were publicly non-mongamous. if that’s the case - who gets to be the public-facing partner? if marriage is on table, who gets to be married, and all of the social benefits and security that comes with a marriage certificate? who gets to be posted on social media? who gets to be introduced at work events? even without a restrictive job, many families too don’t approve of non-monogamy. friends and social groups can be cruel. things like weddings and other gatherings usually only allow a plus-one, not a plus-two. who gets to come to those? what about holidays, especially family-centered ones where people are expected to travel - whose family are they seeing? 

if it’s clear that the dynamic is more about A+B being an immovable pair and C is sooo loved but realistically more an optional addition.. is C allowed to pursue other romantic and sexual relationships? most unicorn hunters don’t “allow” this.

what happens if the triad isn’t working out because just one of the dyads isn’t working? if C wants to break up with A, does C still get to date B? or does C lose BOTH relationships because A and B were the established couple before and they can’t or won’t navigate this change? this OFTEN happens and often means that C will put up with a mediocre or even harmful relationship with one to be able to hang onto the other person they do love because it’s the only way to keep them. god fucking forbid the triad also cohabitates in these situations.

and what happens if it’s A that doesn’t want to date C anymore? maybe A and C were actually REALLY bad for each other. nothing abusive, but now they just HATE each other. is B allowed to keep dating C? or, is A going to use the power they have with their older and more established relationship with B to force B to dump C? and even if they don’t do that, is A going to be fair about B and C’s relationship after? if they have shared friends that C is still invited to see with B, is A going to handle that and give space for that relationship to continue? are they going to manage to avoid poisoning the well and be at least neutral?

my friend, i could go on on and on and on. the fantasy of a triad is romantic and beautiful. i get it. they do often start beautifully too, but they are at best impractical and hard, and at worst, toxic and doomed. 

Flexible feather armor