perfectly imperfect

how did i get here? missing the me that i used to be not all of her, but most of her before i told you and how it made me blue to see you falling down a rabit hole to a wonderland in another girls eyes 3:47am, pleas escape my mouth but i keep silent my cries thinking how she’s probably asking to borrow your sweaters that i once wore and now im torn. torn between the me that once was that im so desperately trying to grasp and missing the rasp your voice held in the morning. damn. i was head over heels while you took away my training wheels. flying me through your wonderland. i ignored the paths that spelled out her name instead of mine because i didnt want to wakeup from the dream while sleeping on a cherry tree to find out that you never loved me. i just took your lead and i guess you succeded at taking my heart. i wonder if it stands out upon all of the other hearts in your collection of lovers. i thought it wouldve when we were under the covers, little did i know you had your eyes set on another mad hatter. constantly swooning about how she was sweeter than cookie batter. im still trying to find my own identity when i can see you using the delecate words you lured me with become meaningless as you poured them unto her heart. thats when i ran away from the graveyard that is, or was, our love. to go find a path surrounded by mushrooms and doves. i met a boy dressed in blue lying on a leaf with a cigarette hanging from his lips. then his hands were on my hips. then between the sips i momentarily forgot you. the next morning i found a pack of cancer and looked out on the forest glanced at the blue boy. i look at the sky, the high making me leave the longing of you in my mind. then blue’s hands are snaking around my waist from behind. we just stand there looking out feeling no need to talk, i place the smoke inbetween my lips, memories of you haunting me. we stayed like that until the leaves turned yellow and the roses red. then the thoughts of her lingered amoungst my head. that’s when i decided to go back to see the eyes that first put me in a transed state. i walked into the maze to find out i was too late. you’re waltzing with her, there wasnt a doubt in my mind. the look in your eyes said a million vows. thats the moment i woke up from the dream that was a killing me. everything wasnt what it seemed. i went back to the only truth i had left. the nicotine sticks and blue. i spent the rest of my eternity dreaming of you and then getting high to forget my dreams and i was content with that.

I’m trying so hard to be okay without him Most days now I get through the days just fine I smile I laugh And he doesn’t cross my mind But then out of nowhere Something little will happen Like I’ll get a whiff of old spice Or I’ll see someone with brown eyes That has a crooked smile Letting out the same laugh he always did And it stops me in my tracks And it hits me I just miss him so much It hurts so fucking bad Its unbearable It’s like all the progress I’ve made Is thrown out the window Crushing me Because seeing all these little things brings him back to my memory In a flash And I can’t help but think I would give anything to be on the receiving end of that crooked smile And to hear that laugh again

I know that when it’s over When our little world of happy unhappiness ends That you’ll be heart broken Just as I And some day, just like me You’ll find someone new Someone who makes your heart beat faster Like I did And someone you can feel all your secrets You told them all to me And someone who makes you laugh and smile Someone who makes you happy And when that time comes I can only hope that you don’t forget about me But more importantly You don’t forget about our relationship And the lessons that we learned So you can make her just as happy as she makes you

i have always been the kind one but these thoughts  arent kind and i know they  would be if i had caught you  at the right moment in time but maybe we were destined or at least cosmically inclined  to inhabit the same space as nothing more than a pair of parallel lines

You will pull it apart wondering, Digging for a reason amongst it’s emerald foliage. You will question why a card with a question mark, Still looks like enough to you. You will meander the kaleidoscope garden of your heart, Resting with your back against the doorway to your pain. The gateway to everything you no longer let live inside you. You will lay down the welcome mat of your mind, To embrace a new thought, A new breath, What if we still have growing left to do together? You will want him to have changed so much, That you make a main course out of his canapé apology. A soup-kitchen meal for someone starving. You will feel the warmth of hunger, Burn through aching bones And you will hold out your hands and beg - for just a little bit more.

It’s 3am and you packed up eight months ago but I can’t get your taste off my lips Or the tingling of you touching my skin to stop Or the weight of loving you off my chest.