First came Baby, Then Came Love

 So yes, divorce, breakups, costly mistakes.. they happened, but do you know YOUR REASON?

unknown, though one of my infamous lines used to date.

So it's been quite awhile.. to say the least. Literally a lot has happened since my last post.. A lot of really great things are starting to unfold in my life. I'm in a place I didn't expect would be a location for me at such an early stage of my life after having Ava. . who by the way is on a mission to getting herself off the ground! I have so much to tell you guys & i'm really excited to get there. I feel like I need to return back to my tumblr. . I've held a lot in since I last visited here.. not all bad things either but enough held in to make me have the urge to spill it out on here once again.. so cue in the cyber party filled with balloons & music cause im back!!

I can't tell you enough how much those words mean. Not that I ever do it for the recognition but it's very much appreciated and has a special place I my heart 💗

May 1st. It's a day I will never forget. It's a day that forever set my path as a parent on a different course. Ava Nicole, was diagnosed with Angelman syndrome this day. It was a hot sunny day, that instantly turned into the darkest day I've had. I remember sitting in the doctors office trying to figure out what was going on ( because at first him nor the three other doctors understood Avas situation) ... & then a fax came in from the lab. A week prior to this moment ava and I had spent three days in the hospital. She was the biggest trooper having to endure EEG monitoring, a spinal tap and an MRI not to mention the multiple blood draws. & all the while smiling like nobody's business. The fax confirmed: the spinal tap showed she had a syndrome that had little publicity yet had so much powerful change in it. Probably from shock I held it together as he went over the diagnosis and what's to be expected in and of her life. . I even managed to somehow keep it together for work later that day. I don't think it's something I've ever fully allowed myself to grieve nor allow the expected emotions that comes with hearing your child is "different" "unlike the rest" "normalcy, is now foreign" "she probably won't talk & will need assistance through adulthood" the ideas of what I though motherhood would be instantly changed & my mentality had to quickly change as well otherwise my daughter would become part of a statistic, merely a puppet of "this is Angelman syndrome". In my moments of "why God, how God... I don't understand God, am I being punished God" I remind myself, Why? Because God created me to bring her through statistics and diagnosis definitions. How? Because God made me strong enough to see, know & love her unlimitedly. & I now understand the love I've always seeked in my relationships that failed; feeling like the love I had so much to give & was never shown back was given to me the day she was born. Though, moments come & go of the emotions that come with all of this... the joys I've experienced through her are in replaceable. Most parents will get to see their children develop the developmental skills that seem to "just happen" I get to teach my daughter those skills.. Through therapy, determination, getting through our hard days but most importantly the love that I have for her in knowing she is capable of more than what is written out for her. .& it's something I tell her everyday. She gets no easy "awe poor baby" moments from me (unless of course she gets a boo boo or is pretend crying for attention lol) instead she will & does get a mother who tells her life has no bumpers set out for her path. Most people may understand but there will be those who don't. So we push each other as far as possible because I know if I don't then life will run its course on her. But instead I will instill that nothing comes easy, we have to work hard to achieve the unthinkable. . & unconditional love does exist you just have to never give up on it. & that's what we're doing, because soon enough the unthinkable will happen with her. Tonight, I began teaching my daughter to walk. . & the steps to our journey began.

I've never gone deep into the emotions of my journey with becoming a mother and the journey I've been on since I became one ... Tonight I feel like these emotions never seemed to make it free from me fully or maybe at all. For those who know me well, know motherhood was & has always been the one thing in life I always aspired most for. There's just something powerful in the way a bond between a parent & child can embark such a beautiful journey; I feel most these days neglect or don't have time to sit back & see. Though, not the ideal situation of what society sees appropriate, I had a child with a boy I had fallen head over heels for. What a few friends and family members may like to call trouble. . Lol I saw nothing but love. I adored him & never thought having a child with him would be nothing short of amazing. . I was quickly reminded a couple months into my pregnancy of the true reality of the actions of decisions could lead too. . I remember seven months into my pregnancy waking up one morning to go for a pregnancy dr check up only to be in such severe pain I couldn't move. I felt like any movement was like a thousand knives jabbing me at once. . I was taken to the er and hooked up to an iv over night. . I stayed overnight alone. I awoke in the middle of the night unable to breathe & in fear. In comes a nurse who flags down some more. Next thing I know six nurses are surrounding my hospital bed at what is now like 2 in the morning. Tests were being ran & then began the contractions. . What was thought to be labor luckily (if the appropriate word) wasn't but a false alarm. But code blue was called on me. Meaning my heart had stopped briefly. I was told surgery would happen the following evening. Hours later I was rushed into surgery with my family worried not only about me but my sweet little angel enduring all of this with me. The fears of how all of this would affect both of us were argued back and forth between dr and family until surgery was decided best fit for the situation. Five kidney stones and a stint placed into my kidney later I was successfully completed with the surgery and awaited to be released. 8 days of an oxygen mask (since I was unable to breathe alone ) training and strengthening my lungs with a breathing device & the infamous hospital food I was finally able to be dismissed. You see when a man truly loves a woman, being there through all of that would never be questioned as first priority. & this moment of being hospitalized was one of the first true moments the love I had wasn't reciprocated. It was a very hard lesson to bear especially with what lied ahead. I was so in love with the idea of being a mother and how much love that brings into a household I never thought that my significant other wouldn't be capable of feeling the same way at that exact moment. Lesson two. You can't hold grudge towards people who just may not be capable of handling, loving, thinking, acting like you would regardless of if you did handle, love, think or act that way before the moments that required it to happen. I believe for that thinking alone it made all of it less harsh. I knew that just because parenthood, a loving genuine monogamous relationship was for me & even at a young age I knew I was capable of that. .didn't mean it was the same for him or any other in my shoes. Our sweet little girl came & the picture seemed complete when we decided to be a family United rather than separated. Our family United was short lived & the moment of strength as a mother to a daughter was tested one random day which doesn't need detail & wasn't as severe as it sounds but nevertheless was never ok nor justifiable. Domestic violence & the future picture of what a relationship should be in my daughters eyes is what ended our family being together. That moment was also when I discovered the gift of strength a mother/parent is given. Though the situation was traumatizing in more ways than one, it sadly took that for me to see what had been blinding me for years. Within a few days it will mark 1 year of me becoming a mother with the strength & developed respect for myself of walking away. & though single motherhood was never what I pictured or expected; the example I've set for my daughter; by how I'd want her to be treated or handle a situation if God for bid she ever were in my shoes to walk away. . So my sweet little ava, thank you for showing me I had more in me than I ever imagined. Because of you I have found a strength I never knew existed or was capable of. I love you

There is much beauty to be seen & taught from those who bring a different uniqueness to the table. Instead of judging, & just staring we should learn to embrace the beauty in different. Love them for who they are & the triumphs they make from their challenges.. It takes each of us individually to set the path for how we react & treat eachother.. Change by teaching others from the example you set. It starts with "you"

"Working on therapy stuff but I'd just say I'm lounging" ;)