today i binged for the last time
i binged today. it wasn't pretty - it never is - but it holds a certain importance. it was the last time i have ever binged.
i was was violently throwing up, again and again, at work, and neglecting my work because of it, i felt a wave of despair crash over me like never before. i was so bloated that i had to unzip my pants and put a sweater over it so no one would see and it hurt like hell. and i went back for more. again, and again.
it was the last time i've ever binged. mark my words.
i have made this empty promise to myself a million times but today, i am clear about it. today, i believe it. i know it's true. because i am finally, finally at the point where i can truthfully say - i never want to binge again. i never want to eat food that makes me binge again. i would rather give up all my favourite foods than be this powerless over my own life ever again. i no longer want to be tortured by this constant brain fog, these persistent jabs at my sanity of constantly thinking about food, fighting with myself, bargaining, arguing. it has controlled me, has been the focus of my life for far too long, the reason for so much hatred, so much despair. and no matter what method or diet or routine i've tried, this mental poison of obsession with food would always seep through, and even if i could rid myself of it for a few hours, it would come back. i can not love myself like this. i can not enjoy my life like this. every day it goes on, it goes on because i let it. every day passed is one i will never get back.
so i won't binge again. i will quit all sweets, especially chocolate. i will not have cookie dough or chocolate donuts or nutella even though it tastes divine. because i refuse to be defeated.
maybe some day in a faraway future, i will have those foods again. but i am not anxious for that day to come. if it never does, then i have not lost anything. i am not giving up chocolate because i must, but because i want to. and if i wanted to, i could eat it at any time - there is no one stopping me. but i don't want to. and that's why i'm no longer eating it.
because there is nothing to be gained from it. those foods are tasty, but that's it. i know how they taste. i know how it feels to eat them. and it has not made a difference to my life whether i have eaten them ten or fifty or three thousand times. they don't taste good because they are good for me - they taste good because they are heartlessly engineered to do so.
i always stuck to the idea that loving these foods was somehow integral to my identity - how pathetic. my identity is not bound to industrially mass-produced junk that only tastes good because it was designed to turn me into a mindlessly hooked costumer. the only reason i would think that is because of how eerily brilliant this industry is at getting me addicted. and whenever i reasoned that i couldn't "quit" nutella because loving it was such a big part of who i was, both to myself and the outside world, in that moment, the reflection i saw of myself was one i silently cringed at.
at least smoking looks (a little) cool (sometimes). at least drinking makes me feel more deeply and more poetically than i often do sober. and thank fuck i am not addicted to either. i can say this confidently because neither substance, while i do love both to varying extents, holds the power over me - has me sweating and wretching so tightly in its grip every single day - as food does. and that is why i allow myself to enjoy and indulge in these, every now and then - because i actually can.
but binging doesn't make me feel more deeply, or know myself better, or even look cool. there is no part of it that i want to identify with and every time i do identify with my love for some food, i look down on myself.
i know that quitting won't be easy. i know that i will struggle and my mind will nag me and tell me to eat and make exceptions and come up with all the great reasons why i should eat this or that, and most importantly, in excess.
but i know the voice of the addiction. it sounds a lot like my own but deep inside i know the difference. i can tell when i'm eating to nourish my body, i can tell when i should stop, and i can tell when i shouldn't even start.
and when the voice that wants to binge starts yelling and screaming i will know that this is the battle, the real battle, and the louder it gets the closer i am to winning. it will almost be triumphant to feel those urges, because they give me something to fight. and it's a fight i know i will win.
it will be tough - i know it will. but i'm tougher. what i lacked before was the genuine will and conviction to let go of the eating i've always known. i kept thinking i would somehow miss it. that it would somehow negatively impact my life to never have one of those amazing donuts with bueno cream and chocolate and raspberries again. but it won't. i know how they taste and i am not losing anything by not eating them - there are other indulgences far more worth it, there are foods that taste fantastic and actually nourish my body, and my social relationships do not, have never and will never depend on my eagerness to eat junk.
i will replace the binges with appreciation, love and care. i will eat not to numb and hurt myself through excess but to nourish my body and mind. instead of stuffing myself with everything i can find right out of the package, standing half naked in front of the fridge at night, i will revel in preparing meals for myself and others because cooking is an art form that involves all senses, and instead of eating as fast as i can and trying to hide and getting upset whenever someone threatens to keep me from it, i will eat mindfully and slowly and with genuine interest in my food and my self.
i will never binge again. not once. and i know that i can do it. i know that i will. because i am in control of this and i will not be overpowered by something as mundane as food.
not today, not tomorrow. never.
