slow descent into madness

“I’ve never been wrong about people” says man who is about to be so wrong about this person

look, it's really not that complex. romance in fiction is like aliens and magic and faster-than-light space travel in fiction. it's fun to read about, but when you think about it too much you realize it's a good thing it doesn't actually exist. i mean, can you imagine? romance, in the real world? thank god it's fictional, that'd be horrifying. hold on one second *assistant whispers something in my ear* my friends, i have grave and terrible news

"it's just growing pains" -> "you're too young for that to hurt that bad" -> "you just need to get in better shape" -> "welcome to being old, everyone is in pain"

sex is a distraction from your true purpose in life which is to go to the aquarium and look at the fish and go "wooooooaaah.... fishies". cmon guys we all need to lock in.

i95 perfec t place for european to c\ross! cars very Soft and Slow european cross easily put european on 95. Put football fan On 95. no problems ever on i95 because good Crosswalks and Stoplights for european walk to met life stadium for european pedestrian culture. i95 yes a place for a european put european on 95 can trust new jersey for giveing good love to european. friend i95

Current twitter drama is Europeans confidently declaring that they don't need to drive or use overpriced public transport to get to the MetLife stadium for the World Cup; they will simply walk down the highway to get there. Girl it's New Jersey. They're gonna splatter you for fun.

I think a lot of Europeans think that the stadium is in the middle of a city and surrounded by infrastructure, which is why they keep insisting that they can just walk from point A to point B. It's not! It's in the fucking Meadowlands!!!! You have multi lane highways and a literal toxic swamp and that's it!

It's spring now which means the kids in my city have started drawing hopscotches on the sidewalk and as a rule I do every hopscotch I see because 1. Use it or lose it (ability to scotch) and 2. If a child got down on the hardscrabble streets of Boston Massachusetts to draw a scotch the least I can do is use it, but in doing the hopscotches, I've learned that about 50% of them are the typical 8-10 step scotch and the other 50% are. Somewhat avant-garde. And of course I'm not vetting the entire scotch before I start it so sometimes it's like haha 8 steps woo! Childlike whimsy! And sometimes they're 20 steps or 30 or they've got a section with three squares instead of two where you have to do a little Charleston to step on all three, or, memorably, FORTY one foot squares. A full BLOCK of jumping on one foot but I'm no quitter so once I've started Jigsaw Junior's fuckin hopscotch gauntlet I'm there til the end just a daily pot smoker in her thirties jumping kasa-obake style through an affluent suburb while some little proto-kennedy watches from his bedroom window rubbing his sadistic little third grade hands together and cackling. It's amazing. I love spring.

HAPPY BIG TWENTY NEIL