ItsmeKirbyTee

June was surprisingly kind to me.

Remember the person I mentioned in one of my previous blogs? The one I said I liked? His name is Jessie Ralph. Funny enough, he’s now under my supervision. I never expected that to happen.

Somehow, my feelings for him grew stronger than they were back in May. Maybe it was because we had more interactions. We became a little closer, and every conversation, every smile, every small moment made it harder to convince myself that I didn’t like him.

I never admitted my feelings to anyone. At least, not directly. But I know myself well enough to realize that my actions probably said more than my words ever could. Even so, I kept reminding myself to draw the line. Some feelings are simply meant to stay unspoken.

June also became special for another reason.

My niece, Nexie, turned eighteen.

Watching her celebrate such a beautiful milestone made me reflect on how much our family has changed over the years. Looking back at the life we used to have, I can’t help but smile.

We can finally afford the things we once only dreamed about. The things that used to feel impossible now feel normal. It’s a quiet kind of blessing.

I owe so much of that to my older brothers and my sister. Because of their sacrifices and hard work, I can finally say that our family has reached a level of financial freedom we once prayed for. Maybe we’re not rich, but we’re no longer surviving—we’re finally living. And that’s something I’ll forever be grateful for.

Another thing that made me happy was seeing my niece, Quicai, come home during the first week of July. Family has always been my safe place, and having everyone together, even for a while, reminded me of what truly matters.

But if June was gentle…

July was the exact opposite.

This month left me feeling lost.

I tried distracting myself from what I felt for Jessie. I convinced myself that maybe if I shifted my attention elsewhere, the feelings would slowly disappear.

Then there was my co - supervisor, Rowel.

I thought he was cute. He was naturally sweet, clingy, and easy to be around. To this day, I still don’t know how he truly feels about me, if he ever felt anything at all. Maybe he was simply being kind.

Out of desperation to move on from Jessie, I did something I’ve never done before.

I invited Rowel to watch a Spider-Man movie.

It was actually the first time in my life that I invited someone out.

Surprisingly, he said yes.

But because our days off never matched, it never happened.

Sometimes I wonder if scheduling was really the problem… or if that was simply his gentle way of rejecting my invitation.

Either way, life moved on.

Ironically, that experience made me realize something.

No matter how much I tried to redirect my feelings, my heart still chose Jessie.

I even felt a little hurt when I learned he would rather be under another Team Lead after my days off were no longer Saturday and Sunday.

Of course, I understood.

Professionally, I knew it made sense.

Personally… it stung a little.

But nothing could have prepared me for the biggest heartbreak of July.

My mom underwent breast surgery.

Then we received the diagnosis.

Stage II breast cancer.

Everything else suddenly became insignificant.

All the confusion about my feelings. All the overthinking. All the little heartbreaks.

None of them mattered anymore.

I didn’t have any other choice but to be strong—for her.

I smiled in front of her.

I comforted her.

I told her everything would be okay.

But deep inside…

I felt like I was falling apart.

There are moments when I just want to cry until there’s nothing left.

There are nights when fear quietly keeps me awake.

Because the truth is…

I cannot imagine a life without my mom.

She has always been my home.

And if there’s one thing this month has taught me, it’s that life can change in the blink of an eye. One moment you’re worrying about someone who may never like you back. The next, you’re praying with everything you have that the person who gave you life will stay.

So today, I’m choosing to love my family a little louder.

To appreciate every ordinary moment.

To stop postponing the words I need to say.

Because life is painfully fragile.

And if July gave me anything, it reminded me that the people we love will always matter more than the stories we create inside our heads.

Here’s to hoping that August brings healing—not just for my mom, but for my heart too.

It’s been a while, and so many things have happened lately.

First of all, I miss Karlo. Though, if I’m being honest, I don’t think he misses me. I deactivated my main Facebook account and stopped replying to almost everyone—even some of my closest friends. I think I just needed a break from everything and everyone connected to my past. Sometimes, silence feels more peaceful than forcing conversations when your heart isn’t fully present.

Then, remember Stephen? I don’t think I like him anymore. Hahaha. Funny how feelings change when you least expect them to. Well, the truth is, I like someone else now. I really like him—so much that I can actually imagine him being my boyfriend. But I also know that not everyone we like is meant to like us back. So for now, that’s all it is: a quiet little crush that I keep to myself. His name is Jessie Ralph. Writing his name here because I’m terrible at remembering names, and maybe because I want to remember this chapter too.

Work has also been a mix of good and disappointing moments. I became close to a coworker whom I genuinely cherished, but eventually we stopped talking because of issues related to her attendance. It made me realize that sometimes people see things differently, and unfortunately, I found her actions selfish. It is what it is.

Today was also a difficult day. We attended Auntie Tessie’s burial. I hosted part of the service in the church, and afterward my cousins wanted me to stay and have drinks with them. But honestly, I was exhausted—physically, mentally, and emotionally. Instead of socializing, all I wanted was to go home, lie down in bed, and do absolutely nothing. So that’s exactly what I did.

On our way to the cemetery, we had to stop Milk and Tea in Leon because of the rain. We waited, hoping it would ease up so we could continue, but eventually we ended up going to Burgos since everyone was already there.

Life has been strange lately. Some people are leaving, some feelings are fading, some new feelings are beginning, and some relationships are changing. I don’t really know where life is taking me right now, but I guess I’m just trying to take things one day at a time.

Anyway, that’s today’s update. It’s been a while since I posted something personal, and for some reason, it feels nice to write again.

When I arrived home, there was already a videoke session going on. My nephew invited me to have a drink with them at Ate Jo’s house. I started drinking with Marga and her friends, but as the night went on, I ended up joining Michael’s group. Everyone eventually finished drinking, except for me and Bryan—we decided to keep going.

We went out to buy more drinks and ran into Fifi. We invited him to join us, but things took a turn when he started flirting with Bryan. At some point, Bryan accidentally hit him in the face, and Fifi responded by punching him. They started fighting, and I tried to stop them. However, Fifi was already too intoxicated and wouldn’t let go of Bryan.

I had to step in firmly and confronted Fifi, telling him that if he didn’t stop, he would have to deal with me instead. Eventually, we managed to leave, and Bryan came home with me.

We ended up sleeping in the same place. The next day, when we woke up, Bryan asked if we could drink again. So we did—again in the afternoon. We slept, and then… something happened between us.

After that, we drank again, and something happened again. It felt like we were starting to act like more than just friends.

Bryan eventually went home, and now we’ve been communicating through Messenger.

And honestly… I think I’m starting to develop feelings for him. 🤍

Same routine as always: I woke up at 3:30 AM to get ready for work, booked a Maxim rider, and headed to Cybergate Tower 2.

It was just the usual day—nothing exciting, just going through the motions. I ended up spending some time scrolling on TikTok as well, lol.

I haven’t posted anything since December 26, 2025. To be honest, I felt so drained during that time—no energy, no motivation to do the things I used to enjoy. I was just… stuck.

I tried to distract myself—going out, hanging out with former coworkers, even traveling outside the country. From the outside, it probably looked like I was living my best life. But the truth is, I wasn’t okay. Some people I thought were friends slowly turned into something else. Maybe they didn’t like seeing me “happy,” even if deep inside, I wasn’t.

Jherel and I ended things—no proper closure, no confirmation. One day, I just opened Facebook and saw him tagging his ex-boyfriend. And surprisingly, I didn’t react. I didn’t ask questions. I just… let go.

January passed, and I was still jobless. I felt lost and hopeless, but I kept pretending I was okay. I kept going out, bar hopping, drinking—acting like a carefree person, when in reality, I was just trying to fill a void. That phase went on until almost the end of February.

Then somehow, things slowly started to shift. My friends Tere and Cid decided to apply to the same company again, and we all tried for a supervisor role. I got hired. And for the first time in a while, I felt a bit of relief.

While processing my requirements for my new job, I also started working on something deeply personal—my gender correction for my birth certificate. I’ve been wanting this for so long, especially because I dream of going to Thailand someday—to watch Starlympics or experience Songkran Festival.

Training went well. I met new people who eventually became friends. I even had a small crush on one of my co-trainees. He’s not conventionally attractive, but there was something about him—he seemed kind. I knew it wasn’t mutual, but it was still nice to feel something again.

Eventually, I was endorsed to production, but not with the same group I trained with—which was a bit disappointing. I was assigned to a different team instead. I now handle 14 agents—12 girls, 1 lesbian, and 1 gay. And honestly, managing them has been… interesting.

There are also challenges—like dealing with someone who doesn’t always seem truthful, and another TL who tends to act beyond their role. It’s not easy, but I’m learning.

And today, April 14, something small but personal happened. My nephew, Lian, is ignoring me because I called out his girlfriend for reacting with a laugh emoji on a post where my elder was being bullied by a vlogger. For me, it felt disrespectful. Maybe I reacted strongly—but I stood by what I felt was right.

Now, I’m about to sleep.

That’s it for today. 🤍

After that, I decided to continue watching the Thai BL series I’m currently into, Forever You. While I was watching, my niece Kathea knocked on my door and invited me to take a walk at Sunset Boulevard. As we were getting ready to leave, my elder sister invited us instead to watch the Christmas lights in Pototan, so we decided to go with her and Nong John.

When we arrived, we saw Jelse there with her boyfriend, March. After visiting Pototan, we headed to SM City, where we let the two kids play at Fun World for a while. Later on, we ate at Summer House, but honestly, the service was disappointing, and the food wasn’t really good for me either.

After that, we went home. I tried my best to act okay and enjoy the day, but truthfully, I wasn’t okay at all. I am desperately in need of a job, and the frustration has been overwhelming. Because of this, I’ve been having trouble sleeping. Now that I’ve finished watching the BL series, I’m left thinking of other ways to distract myself just to keep my mind busy.

I feel emotionally exhausted and very close to breaking down. I just hope things get better soon. Haaay…

Eventually, he decided to go home early. What made it more disappointing was when we later saw his Facebook “My Day,” where he was already out drinking with friends. Honestly, it wasn’t surprising—he has always been like that. You expect it, yet you still feel disappointed because it somehow dampens the mood and feels like an attempt to spoil the night. Still, despite that, we managed to have a really great Christmas party. We exchanged gifts, and I was happy that I was able to give something to everyone, even though I am currently broke after losing my job.

As for my final interview, I had high hopes that I did well. I felt confident during the conversation, but at the same time, I couldn’t shake off the doubts. After the party, we drank as usual. Around 1:00 AM, some people went home while others were already asleep. My niece Jelse and I, however, stayed up drinking and talking about life. She kept talking about Dave the hustler, and I told her he wasn’t worth discussing—that he would eventually get his own dose of karma. We finally finished drinking around 5:00 AM.

December 23 — I woke up around 3:00 PM, still nursing a terrible hangover. Later that day, around 6:00 PM, Mama Lut messaged me. I remembered that I had promised to buy her a gift since she didn’t like the one I gave her during the Christmas party. Instead, she suggested that we just watch a movie. We watched Avatar: Fire and Ash in IMAX. The ticket cost ₱790 each, and honestly, it was worth it. The free food that came with it wasn’t really worth the hype, but that didn’t matter—the movie itself made up for everything.

After the movie, she asked me to buy her a shirt from Uniqlo. In return, she treated me to dinner at Jollibee since it was already past 10:00 PM and most of the restaurants in the mall were closing. We went to the 24/7 Jollibee in front of UP, then headed home. Throughout the night, my mind kept drifting back to my final interview with EXL. I kept checking my email from time to time, and honestly, I was starting to lose hope.

December 24 — Everyone was busy preparing for Christmas Eve, while I stayed in my room, still thinking about the result of my final interview. I tried to distract myself by watching the BL series Forever You, mainly because one of the lead actors is Bas—one of my favorite Thai actors and the original 2 Moons lead. Unfortunately, I still couldn’t fully focus because my thoughts kept circling back to the interview.

Eventually, I went downstairs to help out. I rearranged the sofa and the Christmas tree in our living area to get better photos for Christmas Eve while the rest of the family was busy cooking. We prepared steak for Christmas Eve, which made the night feel extra special.

I also called my boyfriend, Jherel, knowing that he would be alone for Christmas. I really wanted him to be with me, but I understood that he had work. We video-called instead, and I could see how happy he was, which somehow comforted me. I even canceled an interview with another company because I was already exhausted, losing hope, and didn’t have the energy to go through another process.

And right now, as I’m writing this blog, I’m honestly just tired—emotionally and mentally. I feel like I’m barely holding it together. I’m dying right now, to be honest.

On December 21, I finally woke up around 2:00 PM and decided to attend Sunday Mass later that day. Before heading out, I messaged my niece Smile, who is currently in New Zealand. I had heard that there were ongoing issues involving her stepmom, Francine, and when I asked her about it, Smile confirmed everything. She shared how frustrated she is with the way Francine manages the household and complained about how lazy Francine is when it comes to cleaning and maintaining the house.

Hearing all of this made me feel really sad for my brother, Butchie. He works so hard every day, and when he comes home, he still has to deal with an immature wife and a bratty daughter. I truly hope my brother finds the patience and strength to manage all the chaos at home.

Francine, honestly, is very immature. While Smile and I were on a video call, Santino suddenly joined. Francine immediately grabbed Santino and slammed the door shut. She even started saying that someone was ruining her life. Honestly, it was pitiful—almost laughable in a sad way.

Later that afternoon, I attended the 5:00 PM Mass in Molo. I sincerely prayed for my upcoming final interview with EXL. I’m really hoping to secure the Assistant Manager position. Still, I know all I can do is give my best and entrust the outcome to our Heavenly Father—whether He grants it to me or not.

After Mass, I bought some fish balls and gulaman before heading home. When I arrived, we started arranging the chairs in preparation for our family Christmas party later. After that, I spent some time on TikTok and then decided to declutter my things. Up until now, I’m still not done. There are so many items I need to fix and organize. Some of them I no longer use, but I can’t bring myself to let them go because they hold sentimental value.

It’s already 1:52 AM as I’m writing this, and I think I’ll finally be done around 2:30 AM. Lol.

We ate at Poste Café, and while the food was good, we were honestly disappointed with the service. The waiting time was too long and definitely not giving, which dampened the experience a bit. After that, we headed to SM City to buy some gifts for my nieces and nephews.

While we were there, we unexpectedly ran into my brother Yong2 along with his family and Mama Lut. As usual, I asked if they had already eaten dinner, and luckily, they hadn’t. So we all decided to eat at Ramboys together. During dinner, I couldn’t help but notice my niece Yanna’s behavior—it felt like she was going through something heavy. My nephew Enoch, on the other hand, showed signs of anger issues and was acting like a total brat. I chose not to comment, though, because I didn’t want to offend my sister-in-law.

After dinner, we headed home, but funny enough, my brother’s car couldn’t accommodate all of us. So Jherel and I decided to commute instead. We rode a bus, got off at C1, and walked the rest of the way home. The walk turned into a funny little adventure—we crossed to the other side of the road to avoid a dog, only to find another dog waiting for us there. Thankfully, that one wasn’t aggressive.

We finally made it home, but for some reason, Jherel started acting really annoying. He seemed upset about something I couldn’t understand, and I honestly hate it when he behaves like that. He hasn’t changed—he still resorts to childish behavior when he’s upset, and it really gets to me. I tried to comfort him and make him feel better, but he continued acting immature. Eventually, I stopped trying because I truly don’t have the patience for that kind of childishness.

This was his last day staying at the house since he was set to go back to Estancia around 3:00 AM. Moments like this are exactly one of the reasons why I hesitate to be in a relationship. Sigh.

We ended up having a really wonderful night. Together with my nephews, nieces, and friends, we celebrated by drinking, laughing, and simply enjoying each other’s company. The night was filled with loud laughter, random nonsense conversations, and even some serious heart-to-heart talks—just the way we usually bond. It was one of those rare moments where everything felt light, warm, and complete. Truly, it was a night to remember.

On the same day, I also received a call from EXL for an initial interview. The interview went really well and felt very positive. I was informed that I am already scheduled for the final interview this coming Monday. I am genuinely praying that I get this job, especially since it offers a work-from-home setup—something I truly need and hope for at this point in my life.

When my niece Kathea arrived home from work, she immediately went to my room to ask if we were going to see the Christmas lights in Pototan. She was surprised—and clearly happy—to see Jherel there. Out of excitement, she even video-called her sister in New Zealand. My niece Kathrissha and my other nephews and nieces were also happy to see him. Everyone in the family welcomed him warmly, and in moments like that, I couldn’t help but ask myself—how could I possibly turn him away?

Jherel is genuinely a good person. His love language is acts of service, and he always takes good care of me. I do love him, but I know in my heart that I don’t love him in the same way he loves me—and that realization weighs heavily on me.

Later, we met at SM City and ate at KFC. Honestly, every time we see each other, we almost always end up eating there—KFC has somehow become our place. Afterward, we went back to my house and rested for a while. Around 6:00 PM, we headed to the Capitol because he wanted to see the Christmas lights. From there, we planned to go to the Night Market in Sunburst, but it was already closed, which made us laugh. Instead, we decided to go to Sunset Boulevard and eat some street food.

By the time we got home, I was exhausted. It was a long and tiring day, but despite everything—the confusion, the emotions, and the quiet realizations—I still enjoyed the time we spent together.

After the Mass, we headed to North Grove to check out the trending Titas Market. The place was lively and filled with food stalls, authentic local products, and various small businesses. The main reason we went there was to try the photo booth, which my nieces are really fond of. They were excited and clearly enjoyed the experience.

While walking around, I unexpectedly saw my best friend Lizette. She had her own stall there, selling dog food and pet supplies. I bought two packs of dog food since we have two Shih Tzus at home—Matcha and Skye. We talked for a while and shared an empanada before continuing our stroll.

Later on, another niece invited us to visit the night market near Sunburst. We went there as well, mostly just walking around and buying some street food. After that, we decided to head home.

Since I didn’t really eat much at the night market, I bought my dinner on the way home—just a thick Milo and some Joanne’s fish balls. But honestly, even though I was with my family the whole time, my thoughts kept drifting. I couldn’t stop worrying about being unemployed right now. I felt heavy, uneasy, and caught in a moment of self-pity.

Haaayyss.

Earlier today, I was honestly irritated and a bit pissed off because I really didn’t want anyone to be late. Knowing my friends, they can be quite lazy when it comes to time. What frustrated me the most was that I had already set expectations—especially since it’s the holiday season, traffic is always terrible. The restaurant we chose, Muelle Deli, is located in the city proper, so delays were almost guaranteed. And I wasn’t wrong. Everyone arrived late except Roy and his boyfriend.

Because of that, I almost decided not to go. However, after thinking it through, I realized I didn’t want to risk our friendship over this. So, I still went—and I’m glad I did. The gathering turned out to be fun, although the time we spent together felt too short. Hayyss, but I still enjoyed every moment.

I initially thought it would be awkward seeing Leo’s boyfriend. There was a bit of uneasiness at first, but I managed to pull through and keep things light and civil.

After dinner, we went to Starbucks, and I finally bought the tumbler my nephew Limmuel had been asking for. That alone made the night feel more complete.

Now I’m back home, and once again, I find myself thinking about what to do next since I’m currently unemployed. It’s honestly devastating and overwhelming at times. Meanwhile, my friend Tere is also complaining about how exhausted she is.

Despite everything, I’m still grateful for tonight—it reminded me that even short moments with the right people matter.

After that, I went back to sleep. A little later, my mom woke me up in a very overacting and exaggerated way because I had a delivery—and not just one, but several parcels worth almost ₱5,000. They were gifts I ordered for my family and friends. Lol. I was a little irritated at how loudly my mom woke me up, but it is what it is.

Later, I cooked dinner for myself—beef noodles and dried fish. My niece Kathea joined me, so we shared the food together. While eating, we talked about CJ and the issues he’s having with his family, and then about Trasil’s situation with her younger sister, Naddie.

We ended the night joking around with Mom about Lian’s girlfriend’s false pregnancy scare and pretended to be annoyed about it. Lol. It was a simple day, but full of little moments and conversations.

When I woke up the next morning, I realized I had lost my phone. Thankfully, the person who found it had the conscience and kindness to return it to me. I was so relieved. Despite everything, the night was fun, and I really just enjoyed myself. Someone even asked for my name and tried to get my Facebook account, but I refused. Instead, I just bought their group a tower since he was genuinely nice.

Later that same day, it was my niece’s birthday. In the afternoon, I had an interview with ExtendOps for a Supervisor role. The interview went well, but I’m still unsure if I passed or not. After the interview, we went to Iloilo Capitol to see the Christmas lights because my sister and my nieces invited me. Sadly, it started raining, so I wasn’t able to take photos. We decided to eat at Buto’t Balat near SM Delgado afterward.

After dinner, we headed to Festive Walk to get some coffee. Pick Up Coffee was already at cutoff time, so we went to Starbucks instead. It was another one of my random, chaotic days—and honestly, I was still a bit hungover. Lol.

I also invited my co-Sanggrees to join us for the celebration, which made the night even livelier. We followed the TikTok trend for our exchange gifts, and it added a playful twist to the whole event. Overall, it was a simple but memorable Christmas party—one that I’ll definitely look back on.

Honestly, I wasn’t planning to post anything on Tumblr today because nothing eventful really happened. But then my best friend Leo DMed me saying he wouldn’t be able to attend our Christmas dinner because he’s struggling financially. And to be honest, I already expected this. I’m not upset about it anymore since I’m used to situations like this.

Still, I genuinely care about him and I really want him to be there at our Christmas gathering. So even though I’m broke myself, I decided to help him—I told him I’ll cover his dinner. I know it’s a stretch for me financially, but that’s what friends do, right?

Moments like this remind me again of what happened at the office and how unfairly I was treated. I’m just crossing my fingers that I’ll still receive my 23rd payout and that I can get hired by January. I really can’t afford to be unemployed—I have bills to pay and responsibilities to face.